Wednesday, May 4, 2011

FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever - Episode IX Recap

(Brooke just read my recap and knows it's about to get CRAZY at Hillside!)

Hello Friends! I know, it's been a while. Because these recaps (rather sadly) take a considerable amount of time, while my play was running last month I just couldn't crank them out on a weekly basis like I wanted. But now that the run has closed, I can return to them and finish off the last few episodes of the season! Woohoo! Here we go!

Last time on FIFTEEN: Courtney invited Dylan to her unchaperoned party and Brooke invited herself to be Dylan's date, emotionally devastating Courtney. Hooray! Billy bowed to peer pressure and dumped Olaf as a friend. Boo! Dylan and Brooke made out in Dylan's Garage. Eww! Drunk Matt threatened Ashley with ending their relationship if she didn't shut up about his problems. Yikes! Dylan gave Billy a very important math assignment to hand in for him while he was busy skipping class, and Dylan's whole future might depend no Billy not forgetting to do this task. Wah-WAH.

Episode 9: The Green-Eyed Monster

Opening Credits: "Hey Jealousy" Was my older sister's favorite song her senior year of high school and I must have heard her sing that song a hundred times while she was getting ready for school.

Avalon - Loser's Table. Billy and Courtney sit pretending to be siblings who care about each other. Billy's dad packed him about 9 different lunches, which annoys Billy. Courtney explains that their Dad is trying to make up for destroying their family. Billy is not impressed. He tries to change the subject to Dylan, but Courtney's not having any of that. It's all about lunches!

(Billy finds Courtney's explanation for why their dad packed him 18 lunches a bit hard to swallow.)

Billy then asks Courtney about Olaf again. This time, Courtney spends half a second listening to him, and Billy explains that it seems he's the only person on the planet who likes Olaf (don't forget Cindy!) and that most people seem to openly make fun of him. Courtney's interest is fading fast, so Billy just gets to the point: should he be friends with Olaf? Courtney says he can be friends with anyone he wants, but she says it in the least supportive tone possible. Jeez! Once more with feeling, Courtney! Too late, they gotta get to school. Billy tries to shove his 43 lunches back into his book bag. I hope nobody's important homework assignment gets lost in the shuffle amidst all that food...

(Theresa is once again lurking in the background!)

Hillside - Main Hall. Brooke and Kelly glide through the hallway as happy as can be. Brooke says she is never doing homework again. She'll just pay Kelly's sister to do all her work for her! Kelly wants to know what grade her sister's book report got for Brooke. A+ , don'cha know? Kelly seethes at the words of praise written on the top of the paper. Her hatred for Brooke is rising to the surface! Just then, Theresa Where's Waldo's herself into yet another scene. Seriously, she's there the whole time and you never see her lurking until it's her time to talk! Anyway, Lil Sis snarks at Brooke a congratulations and tells her she should run for student council president. Kelly is impressed by Theresa's growing sarcastic streak, but Brooke takes Theresa at her word, and a plan starts forming in her twisted delusional mind: Student Council President... Kelly rolls her eyes all the way up to the heavens and is like, "OH, WTF IS THIS LATEST BULLSHIT?"

(I totally feel you, Kel. Bitch went nuts.)

Hillside - Olaf's Corner Sans Olaf. Ashley and Jake sit and chat on the bench and something about the shot makes them look 10 years old. Seriously, they look mad young here. Basically, Ashley has gotten no sleep from worrying and trying to finish all her work. The coming day will provide no relief either. She is going downhill fast. She still has enough awareness beyond herself to notice Jake is upset too. She asks what's wrong and we learn he thinks no one will ever see him as more than a friend. Before Ashley can ask if he means boys or girls, Jake runs off to homeroom. How can it be homeroom if Brooke just got her English paper back? Continuity Police, I need you!

(Jake knows nobody likes him and everybody hates him, so he checks his watch to see if it's time for him to go eat worms.)

Hillside - Table in the Hallway. Olaf and Cindy come up to two kids (I think one of them turns out to be supporting character David in Season 2, but right now he's nameless and sporting a mullet.) And they ask them to sign a petition to get a recycling program started at the school. Matt and his Douche Bag Basketball friends crash the conversation pretending to be the Environmental Police - they even have green arm bands over their Letterman jackets (nice touch, costume department!).

(Eco-Douchebags on parade.)

They act like total dicks and then leave. God, Matt is awful. Cindy laments that soon those brainless goons will be able to vote, but I don't think she should worry, since they don't strike me as the kind of people to exercise that right.

(Brooke signs on the dotted line to take credit for Olaf and Cindy's hard work.)

Cindy and Olaf continue to walk down the hall when Brooke comes upon them. She wants to know what the petition is about. They think she won't be interested since she's just as much an asshole as Matt, but they don't know Brooke just turned all political and stuff. Brooke signs the paper and starts spouting environmental rhetoric to the kids around her. Cindy and Olaf think she must have suffered brain damage.

(Brooke forgets that she and Ashley hate each other just long enough to have a heart to heart about how awesome Brooke is.)

Brooke wanders not so far away and finds Ashley working on homework. Brooke wants to pick her brain about the potential field of candidates for student council president. Ashley is all, "Bitch, PLEASE. I have WORK to do! And remember you tried to steal my boyfriend only 4 episodes ago?" Brooke explains that people have been asking her to run, so now she thinks she might. And now we get a BROOKE DREAM SEQUENCE!!! YES! In it, she gives a campaign speech worthy of early Hillary Clinton circa 2008. So good! I mean it's not as iconic as the speech Jessie Spano gave when she was running for Student Council President on Saved By The Bell, but it'll do.

(Brooke is Change We Can Believe In...)

(... But if THIS girl's elected president, we're not gonna study, we're gonna party! Write in vote for Jessica Myrtle Spano!!!)

Avalon - Main Dining Area. Billy comes in and Olaf gets up from the side table to ask him for details on the party Billy is throwing. Billy explains it happens to be a "No Olafs Allowed" party, and they already invited one Olaf, so they can't invite another. As Cindy walks over to intercede, Billy slinks around him to dash away. He doesn't get far though, because Kelly bursts in giddy with excitement, like she just won the lottery. And she sorta did win the lottery in terms of gossip. Apparently, Dylan's concert has been canceled because he didn't turn in a math assignment that morning and the teacher complained to the Principal. Guess who still has it in his backpack? That would be a pissing-his-pants-right-now Billy.

(Ruh-Roh. Someone didn't do the one thing they was supposed to do!)

Hillside - Boys Locker Room. Jake and Matt are changing after gym and Matt says he's heading to the Avalon. Jake is too lovelorn to care. Matt sees Jake is all upset. He thinks it's about their fight from last episode, so he tries to apologize for it, only he says it in the most asshole-ish "I'm sorry you hassled me!" way possible. Jake tells him it's not about that, that he's in love with Courtney and she doesn't look at him as anything more that a friend. Matt thinks of something supportive to say, but this random jock dude comes in and announces Dylan's concert has been canceled. Why would he do this? Who the eff cares so much about Dylan that this is real news? Still Jake and Dylan enjoy the schadenfreude of it all.

(Loser Jake seeks a tender moment with his drunk and belligerent non-best friend Matt in the boys' locker room. As one does.)

Hillside - Hallway of Whose Locker Is It Anyway? Billy is talking to Courtney while at a locker that is currently his, but has never been his before right now. He explains everything about the math assignment you already know. Courtney is a woman scorned and is thrilled that her prayers to Anyanka cursing Dylan have paid dividends. Billy is upset that he could lose his friendship with Dylan over this, since he just dumped his other friend Olaf. And he'd started the day with only two friends to begin with! This means NO MORE FRIENDS! Billy runs away and Courtney looks after him in this amazing tracking shot. The show is often crap, but it's shot like the effing indy movie of your dreams!

(Billy gets angry, and shows off the potential he has for Season 3 when after a huge growth spurt and more emotional disappointment than any 15-year-old could handle, he becomes the school bully! No, for serious! That happened!)

Avalon - Side Table of Side Conversations. Kelly and Brooke compare notes on ConcertGate. Brooke thinks Dylan do know yet, but Kelly is sure he does. Kelly sticks it to Brooke that it makes him look like a loser and since Brooke is now is his GIRLFRIEND that doesn't look good for her either. Kelly doesn't actually SAY any of that, but she gently guides Brooke from point A to point B until she figures it out for herself. Kelly is sneaky! Brooke is freaked and immediately goes into damage control mode.

(Brooke is concerned about being seen with Dylan. She should be concerned with being seen drinking an OJ drink box with her lunch.)

Avalon - Loser's Table. Matt and Ashley discuss Dylan's misfortune. Ashley feels bad for him, and Matt accuses Ashley of having a crush on Dylan. Ashley legitimately freaks out and is like, "OMG, STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE FOR FIVE SECONDS! I DON'T LIKE HIM, I'M JUST EXPRESSING REGRET FOR SOMEONE WE KNOW WHO HAD SOMETHING LOUSY HAPPEN! THAT'S WHAT NON-SUCKY PEOPLE DO!" Matt snaps out of his dickishness for a minute and apologizes, but also points out that Dylan totally did it to himself so he doesn't have to feel particularly bad about it.

(Ashley has had enough of the whispering! She's yelling at Matt in full voice this time!)

Dylan walks in and comes over to Ashley and Matt. Why? To start a fight? I don't know why he wants to talk to these people. Ashley gives Dylan her regrets. Dylan tries to provoke Matt into saying something smug about ConcertGate, but having just been chewed out by Ashley, Matt is on his best behavior. Dylan is not expecting this and wanders away toward Brooke.

(With friends like these, who needs morons?)

Brooke is a total ice queen to him. Kelly tries to be fake nice just to make Brooke look even worse. Dylan tries to get Brooke to go somewhere with him. That's not happening. She has both a social reputation and a future career in school politics to think about. She very publicly dumps him right then and there. From out of the shadows leaps Theresa! She wants to apologize for her horrible older sister! Oh, it's so horribly awkward as Dylan tries to get away from her! What could make it worse? How about the entrance of the Simpson siblings, Courtney and Billy! Courtney glares in self-satisfaction and Billy pleads for forgiveness. The writers don't know how to resolve this situation, so Dylan shuffles past them out the door and the scene ends with everyone just standing around, staring at each other like morons.

(I feel like there's a Heathers reference to be pulled out of the clipboard and the signatures, but I just can't piece it together right now. My bad, loyal readers.)

Hillside - Main Hall. Olaf and Cindy count signatures. They have 48 real names and one Sly Stallone. They add Michael J. Fox (yeah, Canada!) To even it off at 50. Olaf then shares that he is bummed about Billy ditching him as a friend earlier. Cindy reminds him that Billy's really young and not totally aware of what he's doing. Olaf laments his being an outcast when he's considered very normal back in Finland. Cindy assures him she's weird anywhere and they can totally be besties. Then Cindy spots Dylan at school and asks him what's up. Dylan tried to make amends with Principal Zimmerman, but no dice. Dylan slumps off and Cindy worries about his mental state to Olaf, but I swear he seems like he's gonna be fine to me.

(Sisters. Sisters. There were never such devoted sisters.)

Brooke's Gigantor Bedroom. Brooke sits on her bed while flipping through a magazine looking mightily distressed. Theresa stomps in. She wants to discuss Brooke;s horrible treatment of Dylan earlier. Brooke doesn't want to discuss it. Theresa totally freaks out on her calling her a shallow, selfish, egotistical user. She tells Brooke her stank behavior is soon gonna come back to bite her in the ass. Then Theresa storms out, probably to go find Kelly so they can jointly plan Brooke's demise. Brooke, for her part, looks a little nervous.

(Brooke's days (and episodes) are numbered!)

NEXT TIME! ON FIFTEEN! Kelly and Theresa jointly plan Brooke's demise! Drunk Matt gets his ass replaced as captain of the basketball team! Courtney and Billy's party is a hot mess!! YES! Also, Matt maybe dies from alcohol poisoning. This is gonna be so major.

No comments: