Monday, May 23, 2011

FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever - Episode XI Recap

(Smile, though Ashley's heart is breaking.)

Last Time on FIFTEEN: Theresa and Kelly started plotting against Brooke. Drunk Matt got kicked off the basketball team for being drunk and belligerent. Courtney and Billy threw an unchaperoned party that produced one hilarious disaster after another and humiliations galore for Courtney. Jake and Ashley abandoned the party in a noticeable rush so they could go save Matt from alcohol poisoning or some other booze-related fiasco. It was high drama for all.

Episode 11: Damage Control - Political and social scandals abound. Let's hope it goes the way of Edwards, Woods or Schwarzenegger. Reputations will be ruined FOREVER!

(It was her party and she'll continue to cry if she wants to.)

Avalon - Loser's Table. Courtney and Ashley sit and mope. Ashley makes up a million excuses, but the real reason she feels like hell is that she had to deal with Drunk-Ass Matt this past weekend and that consumed all her time and energy. She's not confiding in Courtney about this, because they are not really friends. Courtney had a horrible weekend too, all because her non-boyfriend Dylan gave her the literal brush off after she literally CLUNG to him at her party. But yeah... um... Dylan sucks! It's not Courtney's own damn fault at all!

Ashley apologizes for running off without saying anything. Courtney assumes there was a problem with Matt, since he got kicked off the basketball team and is kind of an explosive moody asshole generally anyways. Ashley swears everything is fine. Matt's fine!!! Courtney isn't gonna dig any deeper because she really only cares about herself. They run off to school, leaving two completely filled glasses of OJ behind them on the table (they do take their breakfast pastries with them for the walk to school.)

(Challenge Kelly's gossiping skills at your own risk!)

Hillside - Girls Locker Room. Kelly and Brooke discuss what happened with Matt and Ashley on Friday night. Kelly hasn't heard anything more about it. Brooke tells her she's losing her touch as Gossip Queen. Kelly takes this slight VERY seriously and clarifies that she WILL figure it out. Brooke recounts the events of the night trying to piece it together. Kelly thinks it might be nothing, but Brooke is convinced it's MAJOR. Time for some bitchy sleuthing for our girls!

(This week's script is 73% recycled plot lines.)

Hillside - Main Hall. Brooke and Kelly find YET ANOTHER WAY TO ENTER THE HALLWAY and eventually run into Cindy and Olaf who are installing the recycling bins. Brooke is pleased with their progress. Olaf tells her they made 4 bins and it took them all weekend. That is some seriously mismanaged time right there. Those things are made out of cardboard at best. Brooke claims credit for their work, and then tells them to move the box they are working on to the other side of the room. Olaf and Cindy give her death glares. Brooke and Kelly depart. Cindy wishes Brooke a slow and violent end.

(Ashley is caught off-guard by a Brooke&Kelly sneak attack!!!)

Kelly and Brooke corner Ashley at her locker. Cam Jansen and Nancy Drew want Ashley to spill the beans about Friday night, or at the very least, drop them a clue they can follow. But first Brooke talks to her for like 15 minutes about the effing election for student council president. OMG just shut up about it already! Then they get down to business - what's wrong with Matt? Ashley insists he is FINE!!! And then she runs away. Brooke and Kelly know a liar when they see one. Their motivation to expose the painful truth increases tenfold.

(young love...)

Avalon - Conspirator's Corner. Matt and Ashley sit in the back booth. He starts off the scene already yelling at her. Where is there left for this scene to go? No place. Well at least we learn that Matt was past out in the park throwing up all over himself. Jake and Ashley got him home. But does Matt say thank you? No. He tells her they are never gonna speak of it again and that he is FINE. She's also NOT TO SPEAK OF THIS TO ANYONE! Ashley's all, "JEEZ! Why do I even bother?!!" I swear I don't know, Ash.

(Courtney performs her one woman show: Love, Loss & What Horrible Clothes I Wore.)

Hillside -Main Hall. Courtney is complaining to Jake about Dylan. For 10 effing minutes. I can't go through it all again, I can't! Courtney finally realizes nobody wants to hear this shit anymore, and shuts up. Hooray! Jake tries to ask Courtney out AGAIN, and he stammers for forever about it per usual. Finally he asks her! And Courtney? She laughs in his face! No, really she does! She SO doesn't think of him sexually at all. She assumes he's just joking. Then she just wanders away from him. Jake's head is ready to explode.

(recycling stinks!)

Hillside - Main Hall. Brooke is lecturing to the masses about the success of the recycling program. All credit should go to her! Cindy and Olaf show up and subtly undermine her attempt at winning favor with said masses. Cindy is actually furious, but Olaf takes it mostly in stride. Also? no one is using the recycling bins to recycle. They are throwing trash in them. Trash and underwear. Maybe someone mistook it for a hamper.

(Brooke thinks she's a maverick, but it's Kelly who is about to go rogue.)

Hillside - Stairs of Sadness. Brooke tells Kelly she'll need to make posters for the campaign. Kelly can't believe Brooke thinks that she is gonna make them. Kelly is all, "why would I do that?" Because Brooke has made Kelly her campaign manager! Duh! She just didn't get around to telling Kelly. Kelly can barely mask her contempt. But that's not all, Brooke has lined up for her. There's a geography paper Brooke has no interest in doing that she wants Kelly's sister to ghostwrite. Kelly growls that her sister is busy with her own work and can't just drop everything for Brooke. Brooke ups her offer to $20 bucks to get the job done. Kelly smiles and says she'll make it work since she loves Brooke ever so much. Brooke almost finds this attitude suspicious but let's it go. All the worse for you, Brooke. Kelly soliloquy's to us that she's finally ready to set her trap and take her best-frenemy down!!

(Billy once again uses his super speed to avoid an awkward confrontation. Courtney just gives Dylan the nasty look imaginable.)

Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Billy and Courtney are talking about the same old stuff they always talk about. DIVORCE. DYLAN. There's no more story left between these two for the rest of the season. They are running on fumes. Courtney re-explains to Billy that Dylan's cancelled concert was really Dylan's fault, and that Billy shouldn't waste any more time feeling guilty about it because Dylan isn't worth it. That's Dylan's cue to walk up to them. Billy zooms away like he's The Flash. Courtney sticks around long enough for Dylan to start to almost-apologize before she stomps off. Cindy witnesses this last exchange and locks eyes with Dylan. She is giving him intense crazy eyes. Dylan backs away, afraid to break contact with her and then turns and books it for the door. Cindy just stares after him. It's creepy.

(turn around, bright eyes...)

Avalon - Loser's Table. Jake and Ashley wallow in their misery. Worrying about Matt is destroying Ashley's life. His drinking is getting worse and worse and it's pushing her toward madness. She can't focus. She is completely unprepared for an upcoming test in History Class. (Remember that. It might prove to be an important plot point later.) Jake has no answers for her but tries to be encouraging. This show has no adults, so they can't go talk to a counselor and get a pamphlet titled "So You Think Your Boyfriend is an Alcoholic Loser."

(Kelly takes a page out of Theresa's playbook and puts lurking in the background to good use!)

Jake and Ashley keep going on and on about Matt's DRINKING PROBLEM and how they have to keep it a secret even though they are talking about it very loudly in a public space with people all around them. Even the usually whispering Ashley has her voice echoing throughout the room. Sure enough as they get up to go, we see Kelly has been sitting over at Conspirator's Corner and heard the whole thing. Her mind is blown.


Hillside - Table in the Middle of The Hall. Kelly comes in and spots Brooke. She rushes over to her to spill the beans about Matt, but Brooke is still focused on the geography paper. Oh, shut up about that, Brooke! Matt's an alcoholic. WHAAAAAT? says Brooke, with her eyes all ablaze with delight. Kelly explains how she overheard it from Jake and Ashley that maybe Matt almost died from alcohol poisoning on Friday, so the source is legit. Before Brooke can get more info, Kelly rushes off. She can't devote all her time to Drunk Matt. She has to take down BFF Brooke as well! These schemes don't hatch themselves!

(Dylan is confused that there is a girl in his garage that does not want to make out with him.)

Dylan's Garage Band. Crazy Eyes Cindy has followed Dylan back to his garage. She fiddles with the keyboard for a minute and then lashes out at him for the way he's been treating Billy and Courtney. Why doesn't he just apologize to them already? Dylan tried to earlier but it wasn't so easy with them running away and stomping off and all. Cindy calls him out on all his shit for the entire season, tells him to man up and then storms out of the garage. Are those two even friends? Are Cindy and Courtney even friends? Why is she involved in this? Ah, well.

(Ashley continues to lose her mind. HAving to deal with Yearbook Club politics is not helping matters in the least.)

Hillside - Main Hall. Ashley comes down the Stairs of Sadness to meet Drunk Matt. He's already screaming at her about her stupid yearbook meeting running long. What a prince. Ashley says it will still be another hour. Matt almost loses it completely, but somehow takes a deep breath and agrees to meet Ashley back there in an hour, after he stops by the Avalon and perhaps a local liquor store. Ashley lies and says she's looking forward to it.

(So word around town is you're an alcoholic. How's that going for ya?)

Avalon. Matt walks in and sees Kelly and Brooke at the counter. Kelly retreats to Conspirator's Corner so as not to be implicated in Brooke's approaching dirty work. Brooke invites Matt to sit on the stool next to her. Matt's got nothing better to do, so he agrees. Brooke starts in about student council president blah-blah-blah and then cuts to the chase. How does it feel being an alcoholic with a huge DRINKING PROBLEM? Matt is floored. Where did Brooke here this?? Well from Ashley, of course! Brooke tells him Ashley has been talking about it with all her friends, trying to figure out what the hell to do with him and his horrible disease. Brooke assures him they will all be there for him in his hour of need. Matt storms out, and Kelly and Brooke celebrate FINALLY ruining things for good for Little Miss Perfect.

(broken friendships should also not be discarded in the recycling bin.)

Hillside - Olaf's Corner, now with a new recycling bin! Billy comes over to Olaf and tries to make some small talk about the bin and then shuffles away. Olaf tells him to hold up. They rehash everything, as people on this show always do. Whatever. Billy apologizes for being an idiot and they are friends again. They go off together to have make-up chess.

(Dial M for Muahahahahaha!)

Avalon - Payphone of Payback! Kelly is on the phone talking to an unseen conspirator. Her sister? Theresa? Someone else? Whoever it is, she informs them that it's all set up and she can't wait to see Brooke's face when she realizes what's happened. Neither can I!

(Don't get him angry, Ashley! You won't like him when he's drunk and angry!!!)

Hillside - Main Hall. Ashley paces while waiting for Matt to show up. Here he comes, as drunk and angry as ever. Ashley's all, what's your problem? Matt accuses her of telling the whole school about what happened on Friday night. Ashley insists she did no such thing. Matt doesn't care. He's filled with so much RAGE! It's over between them! He never wants to speak to her again!! He storms off, and Ashley is left there, exhausted and emotionally destroyed. A nervous breakdown is not far off! Hooray!

(face it. it's over.)

Next time! On FIFTEEN! Drunk Angry Matt starts accusing Jake of telling people about his DRINKING PROBLEM. Jake's so over it. Brooke pushes Ashley ever closer to a total mental breakdown. Dylan tries to apologize to Courtney AGAIN and she is unforgiving AGAIN (or is she?). Kelly moves closer to checkmate on Brooke. The penultimate episode of the season is upon us. YES.

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