Tuesday, May 31, 2011

FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever - Episode XII Recap

(Have you ever thought just maybeee-ee-hee, you belong with mee-ee-hee?
You belong with me.)

Last Time on FIFTEEN: Matt got falling down drunk in the park and then he and Ashley got in this HUGE fight about it. Brooke had a geography paper she couldn't be bothered with and paid Kelly's sister to write it for her. Dylan was a jerk to both Billy and Courtney, so Cindy let him know just how she felt about it because she never heard the expression MYOB. Matt thought Ashley was spreading details about his DRINKING PROBLEM around school, so he dumped her ass.

Episode 12 - Hanging In The Balance

Opening Credits: The previouslies were kinda long this week. It's like they realized they had all these stories they have to wrap up because the season was ending. They'd never leave us with a bunch of loose ends they'd never tie up, would they? WOULD THEY??? (they would.)

(Whisperer On The Verge of A Nervous Breakdown)

Avalon - Conspirator's Corner. Ashley recounts to Jake how Matt dumped her, even though we JUST SAW IT in the previouslies. Jake thinks it's crazy that people at school found out about Matt. How could anyone else have known? They were the only two people who knew and the only two people who were openly discussing it at the top of their voices in a diner within earshot of half the school. It just seems impossible! Jake says he'll set things straight with Matt, but Ashley doesn't even WANT to get back with him. She's just over the whole messed up ordeal. Worse than all of it, she has a math test she is totally unprepared for! Also? Bitch has lost her fool mind. Jake can't think of anything supportive to say. He is out of his depth. Crazed Ashley just runs away from him. So sad!

(Courtney's attempts to care don't impress him much.)

Hillside - Student Lounge. Courtney walks up to Billy and asks if he's okay. He is. Does he wanna hang out with her after school? No, he's hanging out with Olaf. Courtney is surprised to hear this since Billy had previously ditched Olaf, but Billy explains zzzzzzz...... What? Oh. Sorry. Billy explains that Olaf took him back and forgave him for being a wang. Courtney thinks Olaf's pretty neat. Jeez, Courtney! Your endorsement could've helped both of them out if you gave it 4 episodes ago. She leaves Billy alone and wanders off...

(No Good, Very Bad Hair Day)

...to see Ashley participating in on our favorite game show, Whose Locker Is It Anyway? Ashley is fumbling with books in a random locker. Her hair is CRAY-CRAY. Things are not right in her head, folks! Courtney asks Ashley about the rumors she's been hearing about Matt and Ashley breaking up over his rampant alcoholism. Ashley confirms that it's true. Courtney tells her not to worry and that maybe it's not really over. Ashley's like "Nah, it's cool. That relationship sucked." She's so okay with being done with Matt! She is not okay with failing her MATH TEST, which she fears she is fated to do. She studied for eight hours and nothing stuck in her brain. Courtney's like, "yeah, but about Matt... and DRINKING... and rumors... and you not confiding to me about this stuff... " Ashley yells at Courtney that she can't deal with this bullshit and runs off half-crazy again, this time to the library. Courtney thinks the best action here is to stand still and watch her runaway. This is why Ashley didn't talk to you about this shit, Courtney! You are simultaneously useless and stone cold.

(Jake and Matt prepare to join Fight Club.)

Hillside - Boy's Locker Room. Matt and Jake are already mid-argument. Man, everyone at Hillside is having such a bad day today! Jake's trying to tell Matt that Ashley didn't tell anyone that he's an alcoholic. Matt says if it wasn't Ashley spreading rumors, than it had to be Jake. Jake says it wasn't him! So Matt insists it had to be Ashley! Jake is getting tired of Matt in a major way, so Matt just gives him an ultimatum. If he wants to side with Ashley, then he and Matt are no longer friends. Matt storms out and Jake tries to come up with one negative thing about that scenario.

(So word around town is that your bf's an alcoholic and you've gone batshit crazy...)

Close up on chicken-scratch posing a homework. It's Ashley trying to learn Math right before she's tested on it. Picture it: Hillside - The Table in the Middle of the Hall. Ashley looks crazed. Brooke slinks over to her, ready to wage more psychological warfare. When Ashley sees her, she slams the book closed. Why? What's she hiding? Brooke tells her that she's SO SORRY to hear Matt dumped her. Being dumped by an alcoholic is the worst shame ever! Ashley writhes in her seat as Brooke continues to twist the knife. Finally Ashley can't take the verbal daggers and shouts - yes, shouts! - at Brooke to keep her nose out of Ashley's life. With that, Ashley runs off (yet again. third time this episode) to lose the rest of her mind in private. Have I mentioned there's some weird giant poster on display right behind the table? Because there is. Also, Brooke has an ENORMOUS yellow binder with her. For someone who never does her own Homework it looks like she takes a lot of notes.

(the big yellow binder RULES!)

Brooke sees Olaf sitting at the other table. Wait, what other table? There's always only been one table in this area. Did they just add another table because the scene called for it? Seriously, the whole set up is different! Oh, Show. We are twelve episodes in! Don't try to pull this crap now. I've already dialed the Continuity Police so many times, but they will be here to take your statement by the time of the next commercial break.

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah. Brooke comes over to Olaf and complains about Ashley's stank attitude. Brooke was just trying to make her feel like less than dirt, why did Ashley have to get all hostile? Brooke fills in Olaf on everything you've just seen for the past two episodes. He didn't know it was happening because he was busy building recycling bins and working on his... geography project? OMG, OLAF'S NOTES!!! I forgot this was an actual plot point. Oh good, good, good! Brooke is impressed at the depth of his research. Olaf laments that it's just notes and he still has to write the actual paper. Brooke makes a joke about paying someone to do it for him which is actually kinda funny. Then she wanders off without really having been a bitch to him at all for the entire conversation. I wouldn't have thought it possible!

(Olaf's Notes on a Scandal.)

Avalon - Counter of Counterproductive Attitudes. Dylan comes in and spots Courtney. He tries to apologize, but she refuses to listen to him. She informs him that they are not friends anymore (if they ever were) and he shouldn't try talking to her again. Sad music plays as she leaves and Dylan looks sad. I bet on the flip side of the commercial Courtney's in love with him all over again. Ugh...

(Not even Olaf's watchful eye will keep Kelly from getting what she wants!)

Hillside - Table in the Middle of the Hall. Olaf is still working on the geography project. Kelly comes over to talk to Olaf, and also steal his notes. I mean, she's talking to him about Brooke, but she's hungrily eyeing the notes she's going to use to destroy Brooke. Olaf gets a little weirded out by her intensity and puts the notes back in his bookbag. Kelly retreats until she can find a moment where Olaf is distracted, which shouldn't be too long really.

Billy comes over to Olaf looking sad. It's Dylan. Billy still feels bad about his concert getting cancelled. OMG, are we still not over this?? Olaf tells him to just talk to him already. Well at least this retread was relatively brief.

It's later now, I guess, because it's the same place, but Courtney is now sitting like 5 feet from where Billy and Olaf were and nobody seemed to see each other. Jake comes over to Courtney. She tells Jake about letting Dylan have it at lunch. Jake is thrilled. But not Courtney! Oh no. She feels worse than ever! Why, you ask? Because she's decided her inner and outer ugliness is really the source of all the world's problems. She was wrong to think Dylan or any guy could ever like her. She also figures she's responsible for her parents' DIVORCE. Her inability to dress well and do her hair also might be what causes the attacks on 9/11 ten years in their future and why so many people lost so much money in the Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme. The oil spill in the gulf will happened because she's undatable! Climate change is real because she repulses the very forces of the Natural Order of the Planet!! Jake tries to comfort her. It's not true! She's not worthless! Courtney means everything to him. And then he leans in for the most awkward kiss ever. Oh, it's so painful! See for yourself!

(Things go from bad....)


What makes it really bad is that Courtney shoves him off really hard before he can actually make contact. Then she freaks out on him. How DARE he? They're supposed to be friends! She storms off. Yeah, that must've been awful for you, Courtney. A decent guy who always listens to your stupid problems like they mean something wants to kiss you and make you feel better? What a violation of trust. I feel so bad for you, you horrid bitch.

Avalon - Conspirator's Corner. Jake sits by himself. Was Loser's Table already taken? Olaf comes over to talk to Jake and possibly have his notes stolen by Kelly if it hasn't happened yet. Jake tells Olaf how much life sucks and how people don't really want to know how you're feeling. They just want you to listen to their problems. Jake's tired of just being everyone's friend and nothing more than that. He gets up and leaves Olaf there to worry over Jake's state of mind. What if Jake kills himself in despair? Courtney would definitely find a way to turn it around so it was all about her, which would suck. But then Brooke would find a way to make her feel guilty about it until Courtney went crazy. That would rule!

(Olaf'sNotesGate is officially underway!)

Olaf continues to stare after Jake for what seems like an eternity. Finally, after enough time passes for Jake to have walked out into the street and thrown himself in front of a car, Olaf turns around and goes to start work on his geography paper. Only when he opens his backpack and takes out his folder, the pages and pages of notes are gone! GONE! Who could have stolen them? Well, Kelly did. But WHEN??

(Brooke will never miss a chance to laugh at the misfortune of others.)

Hillside - Girls Locker Room. Brooke is here which makes no sense because I'm sure they've already established that they have gym in the morning and Brooke would NEVER play after-school sports, but the Continuity Police have been responding to calls all episode so I can't get them on the case now. Kelly comes in, fresh from stealing Olaf's notes. She can't even worry about blowing her cover story with Brooke, because the new gossip she just scored is so good it trumps everything else. Ashley was just caught cheating on her MATH TEST! What I thought was her scribbling homework earlier was actually her making a cheat sheet. And she sucks so bad at cheating, she got caught. Kelly and Brooke cackle like hyenas. It's a shame Kelly's about to blow up their friendship. They are at their best when they are bitches united.

(You know what makes this day even worse, Jake? Menstrual cramps.)

Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Jake (who apparently didn't kill himself in the Avalon parking lot) and Ashley walk down the hall like zombies. Jake tries to understand why Ashley did it, and Ashley tries to explain. It's all stuff you've heard. She didn't know anything, so she tried to cheat. Case closed. Turns out she's no grander than the rest of us. She's humiliated and thinks everyone will think she ALWAYS cheated on everything. Jake says no one will think that. Which might be more convincing if right at that moment Brooke and Kelly didn't slither up next to Ashley and tell her how shocked and disappointed they were to hear that she's a cheater. Everyone in the school knows! They are appalled to discover she is dishonest. Ashley runs off the (fourth time today!), possibly to throw herself out a window. Jake says he'd beat the crap out of Brooke if she were a dude. I honestly don't think Jake would win that fight no matter what Brooke's gender. Brooke doesn't think so either.

(Is that opportunity knocking on the garage door? Nah, it's just Billy.)

Dylan's Garage Band - Dylan's playing a sad song because they say so much. There's a knock at the door. Dylan doesn't respond. If it's a crazy girl that wants to make out with him, he's seen enough of those lately. He plays again and there's a knock again. Billy comes in. They don't know how to communicate with words because they are... musicians? So they jam together and everything's cool between them. Aww?

(Wow, Angry Drunk Matt is like 2 feet taller than Jake! Not a fair fight!)

Avalon - Loser's Table. Matt is sitting there Drunk and Angry. Jake comes over to him looking for Ashley. Matt doesn't care where she is. She is the root of all evil at Hillside, in his eyes. First she spread rumors about him and now she's a cheater? Matt's disgusted. He can't believe he has to deal with the whole school thinking he's an alcoholic, and momentarily I feel for him. That does kinda suck, since he's really NOT an alcoholic. He's just on his way to being one, and really who amongst us isn't? But Jake is finally fed up with Matt's whining. He calls Matt a jerk (he searches for an insult for a while and that's all he comes up with. Sigh.) and tells him he's the source of all Ashley's problems. Matt gets up to punch Jake out, but Jake just keeps yelling at him and then storms out. Matt doesn't pursue him. Jake exits past Kelly who is making a call on the payphone. She tells whoever she's talking to on the phone about the shouting match between Matt and Jake, but that's not the point of the call. She tells Mystery Friend that it's all set up. In a few days, Brooke is finally gonna get what she deserves! Man, everything seems to be falling apart. That must mean it's time for a shocking season finale!

(I just called to say I'll destroy you, and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.)

Next Time! On FIFTEEN! The shocking season finale!!! It's all been leading up to this. Well, to this or to nowhere, and I'll tell you right now about 85% of it leads to nowhere. I don't want you to get your hearts broken next week. But you can look forward to: Brooke officially throwing her hat into the race for Student Council President, Kelly making a play for Dylan (!!!), and Brooke vowing revenge on multiple people! Break out the sunscreen and the bug spray! Schools almost out for summer!!

No comments: