FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever - Episode IV Recap

(Ashley has a bit too much on her plate right now to worry about Jake's need for a fashion makeover.)

Last time on Fifteen: Billy showed up at Dylan's garage. Drums were misused and abused. Matt swore to Ashley nothing was going on between him and Brooke, aside from them being co-presidents of the Hillside Asshole Society. Theresa wore horrible clothes and lost her shit when Brooke's late arrival at home forced her to miss a birthday party. Olaf and Cindy met, and then discussed how everyone else in their school totally sucks. Brooke and Kelly caused trouble for Ashley and Matt when they made it look like Matt was cheating on Ashley with Brooke. So much drama!

EPISODE 4: TRUE FRIENDS

Opening Credits: At the end of the intro, there is this random girl sitting at the Loser's Table in the Avalon with Courtney, Jake and Matt. It always seems so weird to me. It should be Ashley sitting there! These people don't have any other friends at Hillside.

(The girl on the left is no one you know.)

Avalon - Pay Phone of Apologies. Matt has a really long scene where he's just talking to himself on the phone pretending he's talking to Ashley on the other end. We learn that Ashley hasn't talked to Matt all weekend and that Matt doesn't like Brooke. That was so easy to recap! All the scenes should be like this one!

(Hello? Is it me you're looking for?)

Hillside School - Main Hallway. Billy and Courtney walk to her locker wearing clothes that are ugly, but less tragic than usual. OMG! Courtney's locker is in a different location than last week. Perhaps the Continuity Police issued her a citation for using the locker previously established as Matt's, and she was forced to move. Good on them.

Anyway, Billy is excited because their Dad came over for dinner last night and things went really well. Perhaps there will be no DIVORCE after all! Courtney doesn't think he should get his hopes up. Billy says he's not getting his hopes up. It's just that it's a possibility and if that possibility gets his hopes up so he can later be crushed when the possibility falls through, so be it! Courtney ceases to care about Billy when she sees Ashley coming down the Stairs of Sadness. Courtney wants to know what's up with Matt. Ashley, in her usual super-hushed tones is all, "Matt who?" In Ashley's mind, Matt is a liar who betrayed her. Courtney's chosen method of comforting her friend? To silently grimace for 15 seconds as her "BFF" slumps away. Great work there, Court.

(Courtney racks her brain for something helpful to say... she's got nuthin')

Boy's Locker Room. There's a huge sign for Rugby Try-outs on the chalkboard in the background. I stare at it transfixed. Jake and Matt talk, and Matt recaps the past three episodes of the show in case you came in late. Matt also reveals to us that he really has feelings for Ashley. Aww. Then he accuses Brooke of setting the whole thing up and Jake is all "whaaaat?" Matt stares at his friend and is all, "Brooke is an evil bitch. You got a fake letter from somebody posing as me, and I get a fake message from someone posing as you, and then Ashley happens to see me and Brooke together. You don't think Brooke's behind it? It's obvious." The best Jake can do is, "MAYbeee." Why do these people give Brooke the benefit of the doubt when she's so fake and nasty to everyone? Anyway, Jake says he'll try to get Ashley to at least talk to Matt about what happened.

(With Jake's jeans in the foreground and Rugby try-outs in the background, who can focus on a word Matt's saying?)

Table in the Middle of the Hall. Billy is sitting with Courtney and telling her about how he's going over to Dylan's later. Courtney thinks this is a bad idea and that Dylan doesn't seem like a good influence. Hilariously, Courtney goes from being bothered about it, to being hot and bothered about it in under 60 seconds. Seriously it's like she says "Dylan?... I've never really given him much thought other than that he's a wild kid... but now that I think about him I TOTALLY WANT HIM!" Billy looks at her all WTF? He gets up and leaves telling he doesn't care what she has to say. Billy is currently the smartest person on this show.

Main Hall. Ashley rushes in with Jake behind her. She is almost at a normal person's casual speaking volume which should indicate she is very upset. She has nothing to discuss with Matt! Jake thinks they should talk about their relationship! What relationship, wonders Ashley and me and the entire viewing public? Those two have zero chemistry! Jake tries to explain about FakeMessageGate, and how maybe they were set up by Brooke. Ashley can't believe Brooke would do that, and Jake has a hard time believing it too (WHY??) but he knows the messages were fake, so SOMEBODY had to have sent them with ill intent. Courtney watches this play out while hiding behind a pillar.

(Yeah, lurking really helps in a time of crisis.)

She makes no effort to help her "friends" sort it out. Ashley finally agrees to meet Matt at the Avalon for 5 minutes and she exits. Courtney finally leaves her hidey-hole and goes over to Jake. They both hope it just all works out. Losers.

Avalon - Loser's Table. Matt sits alone and upset. He can't even finish his milkshake. Pass it this way, buddy. I'll give it a good home. Ashley enters. Man, I really hate her pink denim jacket. They rehash EVERYTHING EVER. Matt tries to explain how Brooke and Kelly set the whole thing up against them. He begs Ashley to believe him because he's telling the truth and because... he thinks he loves her. Ashley's never been told that someone thought they loved her before! Ashley has to rethink her whole irrational understanding of the situation.

Hillside - Student Lounge. Dylan is reading a magazine. Courtney sees him and comes over. The seduction is on! Courtney stands there awkwardly until Dylan asks if she wants to talk to him. Courtney just wants to thank him for being a friend to Billy. Dylan, who doesn't view his friendships as charity cases, finds this weird and unnecessary. Courtney shifts gears and talks about how she heard Dylan is a great musician. Maybe she'll get to hear him play sometime! Dylan is not enthusiastic about that idea, and Courtney is destroyed, thinking she must really suck. Yes, Courtney, you do.

Main Hall. OMG again! Kelly enters from yet another previously unseen doorway! Soon students will start entering from trap doors in the floor and ceiling and it won't even seem out of the ordinary. They can come from ANYWHERE! Brooke and Kelly chat at their lockers about how awesome they are for breaking up Matt and Ashley. Then Matt and Ashley walk by, obviously still together, and for once Brooke and Kelly are speechless. Or maybe someone just forgot a line.

(Whose line is it anyway?)

Hillside - Olaf's Corner. Olaf is playing himself at chess. Billy comes over and they have a meet cute. Olaf invites Billy to play chess. Olaf was ranked 4th Junior Player in Finland. Billy admits he doesn't know how to play. Olaf then asks if he'd like to play for money. Ha! Olaf is the best. Why'd this scene with the two best actors have to be so short?

(It's not Wizard's Chess, but Billy will take what he can get.)

Girl's Locker Room - Ashley complains to Courtney about Brooke. Courtney makes excuses for Brooke. OMG for a third time, people! See the writing on the wall. Thankfully, Ashley is now steadfast in her belief that Brooke was behind everything. Courtney changes the subject, because she can't have the topic not be about her for very long. She asks Ashley what she thinks about Dylan. Ashley says he's pretty irresponsible and has an attitude problem. Courtney practically jumps out of her skin because that's what she likes about him! Sadly for her, she thinks someone like Dylan would never be interested in someone like Courtney. Yes, someone who is mildly interesting would never be interested in someone who sucks. Sorry, babe.

(Jake is off to crack some skulls and looking fabulous.)

Main Hall. Brooke and Kelly are skipping merrily along and here comes Jake in his giant red button down shirt and white-blue skinny jeans to deliver a smackdown. He confronts them. Kelly runs away to leave Brooke to deal with him alone. Brooke in turn blames the whole thing on Kelly. Her lie isn't a bad one, as lies on this show go: Kelly set it up on her own, thinking Brooke was interested in Matt. She wanted to get Ashley out of the way so that Matt and Brooke had a chance at being together. Brooke thinks this was a nasty thing to do, and also misguided because Brooke's not even interested in Matt. Jake considers this.

Avalon - Loser's Table. Jake lays out Brooke's explanation for Courtney, Matt and Ashley. Matt's not buying Brooke's innocent act. Courtney wants to believe Brooke. Courtney knows Brooke can be a bitch... but she can't say bitch on Nickelodeon. So Jake helps her out by saying she's a "5 letter word, rhymes with 'witch'" Damn, standards and practices! How'd you let that one get by? Anyway, they all laugh at their linguistic sneakiness and try to come to a conclusion about Brooke's involvement. Matt accurately tells them how awful Brooke is and how she sucks people in. Courtney won't believe it because she's already been sucked in. Somehow the whole thing gets turned around to being Matt's fault. Oh, these people are SO STUPID.

(Brooke testifies before a jury of her peers. Not Guilty!)

Brooke comes over and fake apologizes. Matt hates his friends and is ready to leave. Courtney lets the others go ahead so that she can run over to Brooke and express her support and ask for fashion advice. Oh, that's it. Courtney thinks Brooke is pretty and she equates prettiness with goodness. Since Courtney is ugly and awful, this makes sense within her overall outlook on life. At first Brooke is dismissive of Courtney, but then Brooke clues in to the fact that Courtney wants to impress someone with a wardrobe makeover. Courtney denies this, but you can already see the wheels turning in Brooke's mind as she resolves to find out the object of Courtney's affection and then steal him away before Courtney has a chance at happiness. Brooke is a 5-letter word that rhymes with "witch."

Dylan's Garage Band. Billy is talking to Dylan about his dad coming over from dinner. Dylan tells him not to get his hopes up. Billy is more accepting of this idea because Dylan's nicer about it than Courtney. Dylan says he wouldn't mind if both his parents moved out. It's fine if he doesn't like them, but they obviously bought him all this music equipment in the garage, so maybe he could act a little more grateful? I dunno. There's a knock at the door and Courtney enters. Billy is so sick of his sister's bullshit at this point. You and me both, kiddo.

Avalon - Table of Confrontation!! Brooke's drinking a soda and reading a magazine. Kelly enters and storms over to her, ready to cut a bitch. Brooke thinks Kelly might want to... talk? Kelly thinks she'd prefer to yell and throw things. Girl, after this week I had, I feel you. Kelly sits down, but we have to leave this awesomeness for the stupidity of...

(And you can tell everybody this is your song.)

Dylan's Garage Band. Dylan plays guitar, Billy hits the drums (but you can't consider it playing) and Courtney watches Dylan from like an inch away from his face, already psychotically obsessed with him. Billy tries to get Courtney to leave, but she invites herself to stay longer because she is horrible and can't let her brother have time alone with his one friend in the world. So selfish!

Avalon - Finally we get back to the main event fight between Brooke and Kelly. Kelly is pissed that Brooke gave her all the blame, but Brooke doesn't know what Kelly expected her to say after she ran off in front of Jake. Brooke has a point. If Kelly hadn't bailed, they could've come up with a cover story together. Brooke just took her easiest road out of a tough situation. Somehow, this logic is no comfort to Kelly. Brooke assures her that it's not over, and that it's really Ashley's fault and they'll get their revenge. Brooke then leaves to pay the bill. This gives Kelly the perfect opportunity for another Iago Soliloquy "Oh, yes... it may take some time, yeah... but there'll be revenge Brooke. And you can take MY word... on THAT!"

(Kelly's about to get all Shakespearean up in this joint. Better watch out, Brooke!)

Next time on Fifteen: Courtney blathers to the whole school about Dylan being a great musician and he doesn't like the attention. Theresa has a crush on Dylan and Brooke thinks that's HILARIOUS (it is!). Billy tells Courtney their parents are full speed ahead on the DIVORCE. Courtney starts dressing like Brooke. Dylan kisses Courtney. NOOOO!!!!!! The horror!! The HORROR!!