Sunday, February 20, 2011

FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever - Episode VI Recap

(Looking so crazy in love's got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love!)

Last Time on Fifteen: Courtney blabbed to the whole school that Dylan was an amazing musician and Dylan didn't like it! But then he sorta did. Theresa didn't have a huge crush on Dylan, but then she sorta did. Dylan wasn't gonna kiss Courtney, but then he sorta did. Billy and Courtney's parents maybe weren't gonna get a DIVORCE, but then they sorta did. Matt wasn't gonna turn into a raging alcoholic of a boyfriend who carries a flask around in his backpack, but then he sorta did. Sorta.

Episode 6 - Waiting In The Wings.
(Note: itunes thinks this episode is called The Party, but it is not. There's no party in this episode. The party comes much later. Amazing shit happens there, but we aren't quite ready for it yet. I had to search around online, but I've determined this episode is actually called Waiting in the Wings. I think it has something to do with Jake wanting Courtney to notice him. I swear he's better off without her.

Opening Intro: I am running out of things to say about the intro since it's like 40 seconds long, if that. So let me give you some free association about the phrase "waiting in the wings." For me that brings me back to being in elementary school doing a community theater production of Oliver. I'm pretty sure we did it at a high school or college auditorium and backstage on one of the wings was written the words "Natalie Wood doesn't float." Now even at this young age I knew Natalie Wood was in West Side Story, because WSS is one of the best movies ever. I didn't know she was dead though. Or that she drowned. My mom explained it to me. I still think the "what kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood!" joke is in poor taste. Anyway, that's what the episode title made me think of. Back to the recap!

Hillside - Stairs of Sadness. Jake and Ashley enter and Ashley is wondering if she's over reacting about Matt's alcohol abuse. Jake doesn't think so because Matt is drinking on multiple weekend nights. Ashley tells him about the flask in Matt's backpack. Wait, she didn't already tell him that off screen? That's not what led to this current conversation? Oh, Show. Stop the nonsense. We're not even two minutes into the episode. Anyway, Jake asks her what was in the flask and Ashley hilariously spits out, "Buttermilk! What do you think??" Then as I mentioned last week, Ashley tries to convince herself someone can't turn into an alcoholic at 15, but Jake is quick to counter with an enthusiastic, "OOOHHHH, YES YOU CAN!!" I laugh and laugh at this.

(STFU, Jake! Ashley's dealing with REAL problems!)

Jake wonders if Matt knows she found the flask, but Ashley returned it to the bag without his knowledge. Ashley and Jake encourage each other to talk to Matt about his DRINKING PROBLEM, but Matt's such a defensive asshole about things neither of them wants to do it. That of course is Matt's cue to come swooping in. Matt asks if Jake is coming to the basketball game this evening, and Jake confirms he won't miss The Great Matt Walker in action. There is talk about how Matt hasn't run into Coach Williams yet today, so you know that will mean problems for him later on. Then Ashley and Jake stare at each other nervously until Jake wanders off. Matt wonders if something is going on. Ashley assures him nothing's going on... and then she gets nervous and her whispers get mad quiet even by Ashley's standards. She musters up the courage to stage a one woman Intervention right then and there, when two of Matt's douche bag basketball buddies come over and talk to Matt about the upcoming game. Ashley and I both sit here bored out of our minds by their conversation. Thankfully, the scene just sorta ends.

(Olaf wonders how much time they have before Courtney comes by to ruin everything.)

Hillside - Main Hallway. Billy and Olaf come in. Yay!!! Billy explains to his new friend that not only is Billy's dad moving out of the house, Billy is being forced to go with him. Olaf tries to make the situation sound not horribly bad, Billy won't take the bait though. He knows it's gonna suck. Olaf asks Billy if they are hanging out after school today. Billy says he's going over to Dylan's. Olaf takes it in stride, and says they'll hang out some other time. Olaf is the only character on this show who always makes sense!!

He leaves and passed Courtney on the stairs. He says hello and Courtney weirds out, trying to get passed him without brushing against him. Ew, what a bitch. She walks over to Billy and she's like "what's that dude's name? Omar?" Billy tells her it's Olaf. Courtney's like, oh yeah, from Sweden. Billy again corrects her that it's Finland. Courtney's like same difference, it's foreign.

(Ryan Reynolds smolders at his hateful older sister. That smolder is too good for her!)

Billy looks at his sister with an amazing amount of distaste. Seriously, her attitude sucks right now. Anyway, it turns out the only reason Courtney is speaking to Billy right now is because she has her antennae tuned to pick up any references to Dylan in a 5-mile radius, and she wants to know if he's actually invited Billy over this evening. Bill doesn't understand why he would have to ask permission, and Courtney is basically like "look dude I'm really glad you have Omar from Sweden to fall back on, because I am about to put the moves on your only other friend and make sure he becomes my boyfriend. I'll need privacy for that. So if the garage is a rockin', don't come a'knockin!" Billy can't stand it anymore and leaves her there alone. As she sees him go, she tries to ask him about how he's dealing with the DIVORCE, but it's too little too late ad Billy bounces. Billy walks away sad, and Courtney is' okay with that. I can't stand her selfish ways!

(Life's always better when drinking a milkshake!)

Avalon - Side Table of Side Conversations. Ashley is drinking a delicious chocolate milkshake! Courtney comes running in and says she's sorry to be late since she asked Ashley to meet her there, but it's all lip service. Courtney doesn't look sorry at all. She's got a huge goofy grin on her face. Ashley asks her what's up and Courtney is all, what do you mean? Ashley reminds her that SHE wanted to meet and talk. OH YEAH. It takes like five minutes, but Courtney finally tells Ashley that Dylan kissed her. Ashley looks horrified. No, really. She does.

(yeah, Ashley thinks Courtney going out with Dylan is totally.... great... yeah...)

Ashley asks Courtney hos she feels and Courtney reveals SHE IS IN LOVE! Courtney says that it's scary and that she's never felt something this intense before. All this after one kiss! Courtney is about to lose her mind right there just from thinking about it. Ashley tells her she thinks it's great, but her body language tells us Ashley thinks it's horrible and demented.

Hillside - Main Hall. Ashley returns from lunch and finds Jake sitting at the table in the middle of the hall. She's snippy and sarcastic to him about not being able to talk to Matt about his DRINKING PROBLEM. I love when Ashley has an attitude. She tells Jake she hoped to talk to Matt at the beginning of lunch, but stupid Courtney wasted all her time by being late to discuss "Secret Girl Talk." Jake assumes he can't know what's going on because he's an "un-girl." I think the word he's searching for is "boy." Ashley is cool to gossip though, and tells Jake that Dylan and Courtney are a couple and that they've sealed the deal with a major kiss. Jake's face is expressionless in the creepiest of ways. He. Is. Not. Pleased.

(Jake is super happy to hear that Courtney has found true love with Dylan. Super super happy.)

Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Theresa is wrapped in a straight jacket talking to Kelly. Talk a look-see.

(Theresa talks to Kelly for a second right before she is dragged off to the loony bin.)

Amazing, no? Theresa assures Kelly she loves Brooke. She's her Big Sister! Kelly doesn't think that means much since Kelly has a sister of her own that she totally hates. Theresa continues to explain that it's really sorta Brooke's own fault that Theresa has problems with her because Brooke is selfish and thoughtless and then we all have to revisit the Missing Crystal's Birthday Drama. Theresa wants Kelly to give her a reason to still think Brooke is a good person. Since Kelly is Brooke's best friend, there must be some good quality about her right? Kelly is all, "Oh AM I? Oh IS there?" Theresa cannot deal with these mind games. She is well on her way to being Roderigo to Kelly's Iago. I love it.

Main Hallway. Courtney enters and Jake walks up to her. They kinda stare at each other. AWKWARD. Courtney gives Jake a disinterested, what's up? He shows her a sketch he's working on. We don't see it, but we can assume it's a drawing of a young teen rebel being thrown from his motorcycle and dying a bloody death while his somewhat-homely girlfriend is comforted by a geeky artist. Courtney tells him it's good. Jake thinks it had better be since he has no other talents for which people would notice him. Courtney then, amazingly, looks RIGHT PAST JAKE over his shoulder and maneuvers around him. Jake stares at her while she does this in disbelief all, "WTF? I am STANDING RIGHT HERE!" Courtney's just over talking to him and walks three steps away in hopes of ending the conversation.

(Walk on by...)

Jake persists. He passive aggressively congratulates her on her new relationship with Dylan. Courtney is initially upset that Ashley gossiped, but then remembers that Jake is barely a person at all, so it was really like Ashley just told the wall or said it into thin air. How could she stay mad about that? Besides, everyone should know how awesome she is for having a rebel boyfriend. Let the whole world talk! Jake asks if it's official that they're in a relationship. Courtney says no... and right away we should know that it will never be. That Courtney will mess the whole thing up is a total given at this point. Jake tries to warn Courtney that Dylan is not the right kind of guy to be dating. Courtney becomes very annoyed with Jake and his stank attitude and accusations. Brooke finally makes an appearance this episode slinking into frame, but clearly she's been eavesdropping this whole time. Jake tells Courtney that Dylan got hauled down to the Principal's Office this morning, probably for murdering children Freddy Krueger-style.

Brooke dashes Jake's dreams by informing them that the Principal heard what an awesome musician Dylan is, and invited him to do a concert in front of the whole school. Courtney thinks this is amazing because (1) she was responsible for blabbing to the whole school about Dylan being talented and now she can take credit for his upcoming success, and because (2) soon she'll be known as the GF of the hot musician rebel. Jake retreats into the recesses of his mind and performs a haunting rendition of Mr. Cellophane from Chicago, but we don't see it because the show cuts to commercial. Jake can't get no respect. Never even KNOOOOOOOOW I'm there.....

(Practise makes perfest?)

Boy's locker room. The word practice on the chalk board is spelled incorrectly unless they spell that word differently in Canada. I supposed that's possible. Jake asks Matt if he's talked to Ashley yet today. Let's see, Jake. Is Matt screaming about how Ashley is hassling him about his DRINKING PROBLEM? No? Then they haven't talked yet. The boys talk about Dylan and his stupid concert and his stupid possible dating of Courtney. Jake asks Matt - hypothetically, of course! - what a guy should do if he's hung up on a girl that doesn't like him. Amazingly, Matt gives him good advice and tells him the guy should just give up and move on. I mean if she's not interested, what else can the guy do? Jake is all "yeah... I mean, I guess..." but clearly that's not the path he's gonna choose.

(Brooke likes Les Mis. Kelly likes dolphins. I have learned so much.)

Lockers of the Bitches. Brooke and Kelly are at lockers that have been previously established as theirs. Miracle of Miracles. The art department lets us know that Brooke is a closet Les Mis fan. Would she favor Cosette or Eponine? I wonder... Anyway Brooke is going on about a 10-page paper she needs to write about a book she has no intention of reading. She wants Kelly's sister to write it. Kelly tells her that her sister is getting out of the plagiarism business. Brooke tells her that she'll pay $10 for it and needs it by tomorrow. Kelly starts to protest but Dylan walks by and Brooke is ready to move on to talk about Mr. Rebel and his impending Rock Star concert. It's the kind of thing that could make a girl like Brooke take an interest in destroying his life. Kelly thinks Brooke is horrible.

Billy walks up to Dylan and talks about the concert. Dylan informs Billy that he won't need a drummer for his songs. DENIED, BILLY! Then Courtney shows up and basically shoves Billy out of the conversation. Billy gets pissed off and walks away. Courtney goes on and on about the concert as if singing in the cafeteria is gonna launch his recording career. Dylan is so exhausted from talking about it, he thinks maybe he'll just skip the concert. Courtney freaks out that he can't mean that! Dylan plants the seeds of his own demise by telling us that the concert will only happen if he keeps up with his school work, and we all know that he won't. Courtney offers to do all his homework for him. She is pathetic.

(Put 'er there partner!)

Before Courtney can talk to Dylan about their new "relationship" Brooke comes over and pulls the same shit on Courtney that Courtney just pulled on Billy. Dylan bails on the girls. Courtney tells Brooke that she and Dylan have started dating. Brooke throws up a little in her mouth at this news.

(Ashley is so thrilled to hear yet another conversation revolving around basketball.)

Avalon - Side Table of Side Conversations. Ashley sits with Matt and the B-ball Douche Bags as they talk about the stupid game. Ashley looks like she'd rather be doing anything else right now. They go on and on about the game, but then Dylan walks in and the Douche Bags run over to him to talk about the concert. Matt can't believe he's no longer the BMOC, because of Dylan's concert!

(Brooke, you have so many clothes. Please help your sister. She doesn't know what she's doing!)

Brooke's Gigantor Bedroom. Brooke is in shower prep mode when Theresa enters wearing another terrible outfit. She's really trying to steal Courtney's Queen Fugly Crown right off her head at this point. Brooke is picking out a sexy outfit to wear to Dylan's, but she won't tell Theresa that because Theresa would freak the eff out on her.

Avalon - Side Table of Side Conversations. Ashley and Matt are still sitting there having an unhappy conversation about Dylan's concert. Ashley thinks Matt is jealous because all he can talk about is the concert. Matt's like, "that's not true! it's just that I concert! concert! concert!" Ashley tries to explain that the Principal thinks this might be something to get Dylan heading in the right direction and Matt interprets that as charity towards a hopeless loser and that makes him feel better about himself. God, Ashley is so over him at this point. She wants to talk about his drinking right then so that they can fight and break up for good, but Matt checks his watch and then heads out for the Basketball game. Ashley's like great I have to keep dating this guy for another couple hours...

(Matt checks his watch for when this tedious scene can end.)

Hillside - Olaf's Corner. Yay Olaf! He is playing himself at chess again. Billy slumps over. He has no other friends and no place to go now that his sister is whoring it up over at Dylan's. Olaf offers to talk, but Billy isn't ready to open up. Olaf offers a game of Chess, but Billy reminds him it only takes 45 seconds for Olaf to beat him at chess. Olaf says he'll beat him in45 seconds and then Billy can curse him out for a minute and a half and Billy will feel a little better. Billy takes him up on the offer. Olaf is the best.

Dylan's Garage Band. Brooke has made her way over to Dylan's place before Courtney and she is in a turn-of-the-decade 90's cocktail dress. Why the hell is Brooke there? She's just passing through. Dylan is totally confused by her presence. He offers to play something for her. Well, if he insists. Courtney enters and finds Brooke with Dylan. Her entire world is destroyed just by seeing the two of them standing there not doing anything.


She gets totally flustered and runs away without seeking out even the slightest of explanations. Dylan runs after her, but then stops at the door remembering that Brooke, the prettier of the two girls, is still waiting for him inside. Brooke is all super-fake with a "did I interrupt something?" But really, getting rid of Courtney had to have been easier than even she anticipated. Oh, look! That's the end of the episode.

(Did I just destroy another life? This always seems to happen to me!)

Next time on Fifteen: A fistfight between Drunk Matt and Dylan in the Student Lounge! Brooke and Kelly start playing mind games with Billy about his friendship with Olaf. Theresa lashes out at Brooke over her fake interest in Dylan. Matt and Ashley finally have it out about his DRINKING PROBLEM. Matt suggests Ashely finds herself a new boyfriend. I suggest it too!

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