Friday, February 25, 2011

FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever - Episode VII Recap

(Brooke may have wrapped Dylan's present to match her crazy ass jacket, but this show is the gift that keeps on giving.)

We are past the halfway point! 7 episodes down, 6 left to go. When I'm running a marathon, just being over halfway there is a really good part of the race for me mentally, because I know that every step I have left is less than the amount I've already taken. So no matter what fatigue I might be feeling, I know I've already done the majority of the work and can totally make it to the finish line. This show is definitely like running a marathon.

Last Time on Fifteen: Ashley and Jake debate the likelihood of turning into an alcoholic by age 15. Jake continues to pressure Ashley to talk to Matt about his DRINKING PROBLEM. Courtney's new intense love for Dylan started to scare her (as well as everyone else. Including me.) The Principal decided to let Dylan play a concert during lunch hour. Brooke makes a play for Dylan now that his popularity is rising. Courtney could not handle the competition.

Episode 7 - Temperature's Rising. Hillside's having a heatwave! A Canadian heatwave! The Temperature's Rising. It isn't surprising. Brooke certainly can - Can Can!

Avalon The Hang out of people we've never met. Some of Matt's Douche Bag Basketball Friends are celebrating their recent victory and they talk to a strange-looking girl we've never seen before.

(Don't know who these folks are? Well, you never actually find out.)

Seriously, who are these people? Where's the real cast? Oh here they come. Matt doesn't look happy. Oh, Ashley and Jake don't look thrilled to be there either.

(Matt takes time out of his busy schedule to explain to his friends why they suck so bad.)

They sit at the Loser's Table, even though they are technically winners. Hillside pulled out the victory 61-60. Problem is, Matt scored 14 points in the first half and then Coach Williams benched him because of his suck-ass attitude and selfish play. Jake's all, "yeah... that was weird how the Coach stood up to you..." Ashley is even less helpful, telling him he should be happy the team still won, since Matt cares about the team so much. Matt hates Jake and Ashley so much. He gets up to go play pinball. Jake tells Ashley this isn't the night to bring up Matt's DRINKING PROBLEM. Ashley hangs her head wishing she had better, smarter friends.

(Brooke was rushing and spilled extra Bitch Sauce in her lap. Kelly thinks that's gonna leave a stain.)

Hillside - Main Hall. Brooke and Kelly come in and Brooke tells Kelly about the amazing face Courtney made when she walked in on Brooke and Dylan together at the garage. It was pretty awesome.

(A Courtney Simpson Classic!)

Kelly's like "So you're into Dylan now?" And Brooke's all "No, Dylan is into ME." Kelly makes this face that says"Bitch, you certainly are a piece of work." Then Brooke demands to have the English Paper she had Kelly's sister write for her last night. Kelly hands it over, but not before she gets the $10 Brooke owes for it. Smart girl. They talk about the high quality of the work, and Theresa sticks her head up into the back of the shot, as she so often does when entering a scene. She stomps over to Brooke demanding to know what's going on, and Brooke shamelessly spells it out for her. She's handing in a plagiarized paper written by Kelly's sister. Theresa is totally scandalized. Theresa is also wearing a sweater with some strange writing knitted into it. I can't read the words and I suspect it might be written in the Black Speech of Mordor. Brooke can't deal with her Little Sister's whining, and leaves Theresa and Kelly alone together so they can start to plot Brooke's demise.

(One ugly sweater to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!)

Avalon - Stools of Stank Attitudes. Matt starts yelling at Jake about how he's gonna go to school and tell Coach Williams off for benching him during the last game. Jake tries to talk him down, but that only makes Matt more intent to have it out with the Coach - even if he gets cut from the squad! Jake is finally like "fine, go get kicked off the team so we don't have to talk about it anymore." That makes Matt decide he can wait a few more days. Matt walks away from the register allowing Jake to pay for his... breakfast? Lunch? I can't tell what time of day it's supposed to be. Jake and the cashier handle the whole transaction without ever speaking to each other. It's totally weird because they stare at each other the whole time but nobody says anything. This show is a mess.

(Billy is too sad today to concentrate on chess. The situation is dire!)

Hillside - Olaf's Corner. Olaf is trying to teach Billy chess strategy but Billy can't keep up. He's feeling all twisted up inside because he doesn't want to live with his Dad. He wants to move back to his house with his mom and Courtney. Things must be pretty bad if living with Courtney seems to be the better option. Billy and Olaf talk, but I'm distracted by a sign promoting "Romanoff and Juliet" in the background. That seems like a strange choice of play for a Canadian Middle school/High school to stage.

(The Drama Club at Hillside is all political and stuff.)

Olaf thinks Billy should talk to his family. Billy's parents didn't ask him where he wanted to live in the first place and Courtney can only think about Dylan lately, so Billy's kinda on his own. Olaf tells Billy he can always talk to him until his family stops sucking. Aww, something tells me someone's gonna throw a wrench in their bromance really really soon.

(That's not the face of someone who's happy to see you, Brooke.)

Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Speak of the devil, in swooshes Courtney - all fire and brimstone. She stops at her locker... which is now two lockers away from Brooke? Oh my god, Show. I can't take it anymore!! How can this locker situation make any sense to anyone? Every episode it's something new. Anyway, these two bitches are off to the races. Who can be a bigger bitch? Brooke, but Courtney comes in a close second. Courtney is so angry for having found Brooke at Dylan's place after Courtney went and told Brooke that she liked him. Brooke is like "No, girl. You got it all wrong. Dylan's all yours." Courtney totally buys this because she is a fool, and Brooke giggles to herself as she goes off to find Dylan and make out with him.

Hillside - Girl's Locker Room. Courtney is explaining to Ashley how she got Brooke all wrong and that her dreams of happiness with Dylan haven't actually been crushed. Ashley thinks this whole drama with Dylan is beyond stupid. She leaves abruptly, forcing an end to the conversation. Hooray!

Hillside - Student Lounge. Dylan waits there for Brooke to come seduce him. And here she is! Brooke pretends to be a human with feelings and a sense of compassion, and has a decent conversation with Dylan until she gets all totally bizarro and gives him a SILVER MUSIC BOX FOR NO REASON!

(What do you see? You people gazing at me? You see a dude with a music box that's wound by a key...)

And Dylan must get random music boxes as gifts all the time because he takes it in stride. Brooke goes away and Dylan winds up the music box. As it starts to play that's when Drunk Matt and his Douche Bag Basketball Friends stagger into the lounge. Matt slurs at Dylan about his wussy music box. Dylan calls Matt out on being benched. Matt AGAIN mentions the music box and this is too much for Dylan. They lunge at each other. Douche Bags try to pull them apart. Sadly, no one gets hurt.


Drunk Matt shouts at Dylan that one of these days Matt is gonna take Dylan's head off. It would've been more threatening if he wasn't walking backwards up a flight of stairs while saying this. It's just a little awkward. Nonetheless, Dylan stares him down and very dramatic music plays, as if someone just got killed in a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Jake and Ashley discuss Matt's latest drunken outburst and altercation. In case you couldn't guess, they are concerned. Ashley resolves she needs to whisper to Matt about this problem... NOW. But "now" meaning "later." First we have to deal with Courtney and Dylan.

(Man... nobody's home and I'm not even sure the lights are on anymore.)

It's the Main Hall! Pick a locker! Any locker! Courtney is all riled up in defense of her man. Matt had no right to start a fight with Dylan! Courtney is gonna talk to Matt about it right away! Dylan laughs it off and tells her he's fine and she doesn't need to involve herself. Courtney flirts with Dylan really strong and then tries to invite herself over to his garage that afternoon. He turns her down and then bails. I think the scene will be over but, oh dear god no! It's a Courtney Simpson Dream Sequence! I do not want to go to there...

(Courtney needs to be dancing even further into the dark.)

Courtney dreams about Dylan giving his lunch hour concert and being pulled up onstage as if he's Bruce Springsteen and she's Courtney Cox. Hey, they have the same first name at least! Courtney is wearing mom jeans and dancing like she's the precursor to Elaine on Seinfeld. This is painful. This is the best this girl can do for herself in her own fantasies? So so sad.

Hillside - Olaf's Corner minus Olaf. Brooke and Kelly have taken over Olaf's spot just to talk shit about him. Booooo! Olaf's so much better than these two bitches. Billy comes over and wants to know what the problem with Olaf? Both of them pretend there's nothing wrong with him, except that he's weird and a geek and foreign and awful. This conversation shakes Billy to his core. Don't listen to them, Billy. Who are they to judge a person's character?

(Maligning Olaf?? Don't you bitches even speak his name!)

Courtney comes over and pulls Billy from the jaws of those two jackals. Billy asks Courtney what she thinks of Olaf and she's like "What? I don't know that dude. Who cares? I need you to spy on Dylan for me!" Billy finally clues into the fact that Courtney has a crush on Dylan, which seems so strange to me that it would take this long, since she's been making moves on him right in front of Billy for two episodes now. But whatever. Billy thinks it's hilarious, but agrees to do recon as long as Courtney rents him videos that weekend. You can't get something for nothing, Courtney!

(Brooke bangs! She bangs!)

Brooke's Gigantor Bedroom. This show really likes to shoot people watching their own reflections. There are mirrors everywhere! The sisters are fighting again. Theresa bitches at Brooke for toying with Dylan. Brooke plays innocent, but Theresa isn't having it, not while her feelings for Dylan are super real and Brooke is just a total fake. Theresa thinks someone should tell Dylan what's going on, and then should go tell Brooke's English teacher that she bought that paper. This sets off Brooke's warning alarm, and she gets tough on Little Sis. Theresa backs off... for now. She'll bide her time and wait for Kelly to come up with a plan to take Brooke down once and for all!!

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Courtney is waiting for Billy to return with news about Dylan. Unfortunately, it's bad news, since Brooke is all up in Dylan's grill right now. Courtney is scandalized. Billy says she doesn't have to rent him the videos this weekend.

(Brooke just got a message from Alpha that Zordon's in trouble. Brooke makes up a story about a fake boyfriend to get away from Dylan and back to the Command Center before it's too late!)

Dylan's Garage Band. Brooke and Dylan discuss the hideous silver music box, she gave him for no reason. Dylan likes it. Brooke wants Dylan to play her a song. How about one by The Grapes of Wrath? They are her favorite band and they are playing in town next week... she REALLY wants to see them. Dylan finally takes the bait and asks her if she wants to go. Brooke's like "Whaaaat? Oh, sorry. I'm already going with my made-up boyfriend Terry who's in the 12th Grade! I'm supposed to be meeting him now. Byeeeee!" And then she runs away and he's all confused. Dylan, you're being played!!

Avalon - Conspirator's Corner. Brooke is retelling the whole story to Kelly about how she is playing hard to get with Dylan. Kelly can't believe Dylan fell for it. Me nether. Brooke isn't ready to reel him in yet either. She's gonna make him flop around on the line and get really jealous about fake ol' Terry before she snatches him up. Don't forget - she doesn't actually like him though. Brooke, you are so eeeeevil!

(Why won't anyone realize that Matt is sick and tired of being HASSLED? What does he have to do??)

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Ashley tells Matt they need to talk. Matt says fine and then goes to start playing pinball so that he'll have something to occupy his attention during their dumb conversation. Ashley's like, "no give me your full attention for once! You'll never be able to hear my soft voice over the whirring and chimes of the pinball machine!" Matt thinks the lecture that's coming is about his fight with Dylan, but no, Ashley tells him its about her thinking he's an alcoholic. Wow, she feels SO much better having said it! She explains to Matt that he drinks every night on the weekends, and now he drinks on weekdays AND he's carrying around that giant flask in his book bag. Matt wants to know how she found his flask. It's because she's a snoop going through his things! Matt wants them to drop the conversation immediately. Ashley isn't dropping the conversaion, because Matt needs to face his DRINKING PROBLEM. Ashley is worried sick and can't handle it anymore! Matt tells her if that's how she feels she can get a new boyfriend, and with that he bounces. Ashley stares after him... rather expressionless. Did they just break up? I can't tell, but it's not looking good for them. Hooray!

(Ashley is cautiously optimistic that her horrible relationship with Matt is finally over.)

Next time, on Fifteen: Courtney is throwing a party! She tells Brooke that she hopes Dylan will come. Brooke tells her that Dylan is definitely going... because he already asked Brooke to be his date! Courtney shatters into like a million pieces. Billy starts to give Olaf the cold shoulder, putting their bromance on ice. Brooke and Dylan full on make out in his garage. As Dylan describes it, it's going to be "totally nuts." Can't hardly wait!

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