FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever - Episode V Recap

(It's like the cover of a young adult romance novel... written by R. L. Stine.)

Last time on Fifteen: Ashley told Jake she and Matt had nothing to talk about, but he convinced her otherwise. Courtney tried to convinced Billy not to hang out with Dylan but wound up convincing herself she wanted to jump Dylan's bones. Matt hypothetically declared his possible love for Ashley and she was totally floored by the non-revelation and their "relationship" survived. Brooke blamed Kelly for FakeMessageGate, so everyone now thinks Kelly kinda sucks. Kelly, in turn, declared a Secret War against her Best Frenemy Brooke. Also, Olaf and Billy played Chess.

EPISODE 5: FREE FALLING

Opening Credits - who could be calling Brooke on the phone in her featured bit? She's already sitting with Theresa and Kelly and she has no other friends! Unsolved Mysteries...

Hillside Main Hall. Holy Eff, y'all. They came up with yet another way to walk around the same space. Courtney and Billy circle around, up and over the main stairs and arrive back at Billy's locker. Look at what Courtney's wearing!

(Yowza.)

A miniskirt and a floral print blouse. Not bad, girl. Not quite good, but not bad either, and for you that's gotta be scored as "Outstanding." Billy tells us and Courtney that their folks are making a family announcement tonight at dinner. He thinks it's that they are getting back together. Courtney isn't sure one way or the other. Billy wants to bet money on being right. Courtney, in a rare moment of being a caring older sister, tries to make him see reason. He refuses to listen. He walks off and Courtney let's him go, but I guess that's a step up from walking away from him while he's mid-sentence like she usually does. The scene ends with a close up on Courtney's confused and frightened face.

Avalon - Stools of Stupidity. Jake and Matt have just finished milkshakes. Mmm! Milkshakes for breakfast! Mmmmm! Anyway Matt starts complaining about Coach Williams. Oh good, we're back to this bullshit after taking a week off. Coach Williams has accused Matt of being a hot shot during practice and goofing off. Jake has seen a couple practices. Does Jake think Matt acts like a hot shot? Of course he does! But he can't come out and say it for fear of getting punched in the face and losing his only male friend. Instead he tries to play devil's advocate and lead Matt to the conclusion that Coach Williams has a point, as if Matt has the mental capacity of a three-year-old and couldn't get the point any other way. Matt, who is operating at no less than a 6-year-old's mental capacity, is insulted by this. He gives up talking to Jake and suggests they just head to school.

(working hard, or hardly working?)

Brooke's Gigantor Bedroom. Brooke is doing some last minute homework at her computer station, but instead of actually sitting at the desk, she is balancing her homework on the back of the giant computer monitor and scribbling away. Weird. Theresa comes in, still with the turtleneck with a skirt look she was sporting last week. Theresa comments that the homework Brooke is "finishing" doesn't really look that complete, but Brooke doesn't care. Why is Theresa bothering her this early in the day? Theresa has finally worked up the courage to ask her Big Sis about FakeMessageGate. Brooke's so over it, since that was like two weeks ago. She feeds Theresa her now standard reply that it was Kelly's fault and she had nothing to do with it, and if people are spreading RUMORS, then she has no use for those fools. With that, Brooke leaves for school and Theresa sits down on the bed... perhaps momentarily forgetting that this isn't actually her room?

Hillside - Main Hallway. Jake and Matt are at their lockers, but I think they picked new lockers again, not the one's they had last week. Maybe all the lockers in Canadian schools are communal? You just drop anything anywhere you want when you get tired of carrying it? Anyway, Courtney is going on and on to them about Dylan being a great musician. These two don't even LIKE Dylan. They start to crack jokes about him being "sensitive." Courtney begins to sense way too late that her gushing may have backfired on her. Matt asks her where she heard him play, and she giggles about going over to Dylan's Garage the day before. Jake pretty much has a heart attack on the spot. The love of his life has been spending time in the sex den of the school rebel? Jake, she's not worth it! The boys finally notice that Courtney's wearing something nicer than a potato sack today, but they don't exactly compliment her on the upgrade because they are assholes. Courtney is over them and leaves. Matt and Jake think Courtney couldn't POSSIBLY have a crush on Dylan, because they are oblivious about everything.

Kelly comes down the Steps of Sadness and Theresa runs over to her from far down the hall. Kelly acknowledges her presence and then makes to move along. Theresa tries to reach out and stop her, but hilariously stops just before touching Kelly's shoulder, pretending instead that she was actually reaching out for the railing on the stairs. Theresa is scared of Kelly and she has reason to be. Kelly looks pissed.

(Kelly does not have time for your stupid bullshit right now, Theresa. Make it snappy!)

Theresa is nervous and stammers as she tries to get to her point and Kelly snaps out a hilarious low-throated "what's your problem." before Theresa finally admits she's trying to play Harriet The Spy about FakeMessageGate. Kelly's eyes flare as Theresa explains that Brooke said it was all Kelly's fault, but... maybe she doesn't quite believe her sister? Theresa doesn't want to say those words exactly so that it can't get back to Brooke that she was badmouthing her around school, but that's what it boils down to. Kelly just tells her that if that's what Brooke says then it MUST be true, because Brooke would never tell a lie, would she? Kelly leaves satisfied in the thought that she got her message across, but the camera lingers on Theresa who still is having trouble figuring it out. Oh, Theresa! You're such a dummy.

(If you're waiting for Theresa to figure it all out, you're gonna be waiting a long time.)

Student Lounge - Brooke is holding court around a couple of extras, explaining how her social studies teacher thought her assignment wasn't long enough and how unfair his expectations are. I don't know why she's telling these people this information, but as they say in The Great Muppet Caper, "It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere." Brooke sees Courtney walk by and abandons the extras mid-sentence. Brooke wants to know about Courtney's secret meetings with Dylan. Courtney is totally scandalized. There are no secret meetings! But it's all over school, Brooke assures her. Dylan was serenading Courtney! No, there was no serenading! I almost feel bad for Courtney in this scene. She's absolutely no match for Brooke's cattiness. Finally we get to the outfit. Is THAT what Courtney bought? Yes. Does Brooke like it? Suuuuuuure she does!

(Brooke is having trouble looking directly into the blazing glory of Courtney's new outfit.)

It's perfect if Courtney is looking for someone to take an interest, but Courtney OMG swears that's not what's going on. Dylan shows up by the soda machines, and Brooke gives them space - not because she is thoughtful, but because she is convinced Courtney can wreck this thing all on her own and Brooke can just watch the show from a safe distance.

(Dylan takes a minute out of lunch hour to explain to Courtney why she sucks.)

Courtney walks up to Dylan. Dylan has had a bad morning. What's wrong, Courtney wonders? Well people have been hounding him all morning asking him if he's some kind of rock star. Does Courtney know how that happened? Maybe it's because he plays guitar in the student lounge all the time? No. It's because Courtney told two friends that she thought he was really good. And now EVERYONE KNOWS. And that's really hard on Dylan, see? He likes his private life to stay private and not be a topic for general conversation. He should really be home-schooled then. He takes his can of soda and breezes by Courtney. For the second time this episode, a scene ends with a close up on Courtney's confused and frightened face.

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Ashley is sitting at the table doing homework and Jake walks up to her. They are both wearing normal Gap-ish outfits for once. Jake asks to sit down and Ashley's like "no, I'm doing homework." But somehow he sits down and the scene progresses. This goes on forever, so I'll make it quick. Jake wants to know if Courtney likes Dylan. Ashley nearly destroys him by telling him she's probably got a crush on him. Ashley starts to notice that Jake has a crush of his own, but he insists to her he does not. He is a bad liar. And a slow deliverer of lines.

(Brooke wants to make up after their lovers' quarrel, but Kelly still has her sleeping in the doghouse. Denied!)

Hillside - Olaf's Corner, Minus Olaf. Brooke and Kelly are sitting on the benches. Kelly is giving Brooke the silent treatment and it's driving Brooke crazy. When is Kelly going to forgive Brooke for telling a nasty lie about her that everyone at school continues to believe is true? Kelly thinks never. Brooke wins her back by reminding her how good they are being bitches together. Brooke dangles the carrot of talking about Courtney's new outfit, and Kelly cannot resist. They are back to being Best Frenemies Forever! Brooke tears into Courtney's outfit (which really isn't that bad) as Kelly beams from ear to ear, and of course Courtney walks by and hears the whole thing. Brooke and Kelly don't really bother to apologize as Courtney runs away humiliated and destroyed. Brooke and Kelly bask in the afterglow, as this was their equivalent to make-up sex.

Main Hall, Later. Dylan comes in and finds Courtney, dressed in her old ugly clothes sitting in the student lounge. He comes over and apologizes for how he acted at lunch. He just got weirded out when people were talking about him, but he DOES play a lot in the lounge (yeah, hello?) so he can't really complain. With this apology, Courtney's Crush is back and stronger than ever. As if more fuel needed to be added to the fire, Dylan tells her she shouldn't have changed her clothes because her new outfit looked hot. He leaves and for the third time this episode a scene ends with a close up on Courtney's confused and frightened face.

Some weird interior angle of the main hall. Theresa is at a locker she has suddenly claimed as her own. Dylan has also chosen a random locker to search through. Seriously, I can't get over the locker situation. Why's it so hard for the show to keep track? Anyway, Theresa is staring at Dylan HARD. Dylan asks if she wants to say something to him. She does not. (Note: Theresa has pictures of unicorns hanging inside her locker! I shit you not.)

(See? Unicorns!)

Then the screen goes all wavy. Is it a gas leak? No. WTF is this? A DREAM SEQUENCE? THIS SHOW HAS DREAM SEQUENCES AND IT TOOK FIVE EPISODES TO GET TO ONE?? Alright we cut to a shot of Theresa dolled up like she's Hermione Granger attending the Yule Ball and she dances with Dylan to Strauss' "The Blue Danube" which seems appropriate since this show just got weirder than a Kubrick film. Anyway, that ends, we return to "reality" and Dylan looks at the daydreaming Theresa like she's a total loon. Which she is.

(She does look a little Hermione in this artsy cross-fade shot, no? I think I'm right.)

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Jake brings Courtney a soda and they sit together. Aw, man. This isn't gonna go well. Courtney is already looking at her watch. She hates wasting time with Jake and wants to go see Dylan. Jake and Courtney briefly discuss their friends Matt and Ashley, but neither one shows much interest in that drama. Courtney instead wants to know what Jake thinks of Dylan. Jake is noncommittal. Why does Courtney want to know? BECAUSE SHE LOOOOVES HIM! Jake practically throws up all over himself.

(It's a no good, very bad day for good ol' Jake.)

Then Courtney says that Jake is her best friend, even though he's a guy. Jake's worst nightmare has come true!! Courtney then notices that her "best friend" is about to crumple over on the table and die, but what can she do? She's in LOOOOVE! She can't contain it anymore and totally ditches Jake to go find her man. Jake thinks his whole life sucks. No arguments here.

(Brooke really can't get a moment away from Theresa and her nagging. What's a bitch to do?)

Brooke's Gigantor Bedroom. Brooke is prepping for a shower when Theresa comes in begging to talk immediately. Brooke consents and then Theresa takes a million years to say anything. Spit it out, Theresa! Theresa wants to know if Dylan has a girlfriend. Brooke doesn't understand why Theresa would care, since Theresa is like 8 year's old, but whatever. Brooke tells Little Sis that Dylan's not seeing anyone, but that Courtney is trotting around after him and that's that. Theresa wants to know what a girl could do if a girl was interested in Dylan and wanted him to notice her. Brooke finally figures out that Theresa's talking about herself and laughs in her face because it's effing ridiculous. Theresa gets embarrassed and runs away. Brooke wasn't even trying to be mean in this scene and she still caused emotional devastation. It's a gift, folks.

Dylan's Garage Band of Love. Courtney is back in her seduction outfit. Dylan and Courtney make an aggreement to write some songs together since she is good at lyrics and Dylan is good at tunes. This happy moment is cut short because Courtney has to go home and find out that her parents are getting DIVORCED FOR GOOD! Before she leaves, she lets Dylan know she likes him. He puts down his guitar, walks over to her in an awkward silence and kisses her. Without tongue, i think, but his shoulder sort of blocks things so it's hard to tell. Dylan never should've kissed her. Now she's never gonna stop being in love with him. EVER. She stares at him for a second lost in rapture and then we jump too...

(Billy picked the wrong week to quit drinking with his parents DIVORCE coming straight at him.)

Avalon - Stools of Sadness. Billy has tears streaming down his face and a tall glass of... something in front of him. It doesn't look like soda. The color is off. Let's assume it's hard liquor. Clearly, Billy is Free Falling (see how I just made the episode title make sense?) Courtney comes in, saying that their mom sent her to go find him after he disappeared from the house right before dinner. Billy asks if mom told her why. No, mom withheld that info from Courtney. Billy explains that mom jumped the gun and told Billy that she and their dad were getting a DIVORCE. She couldn't wait until the whole family got there so her son would have emotional support? Billy and Courtney's mom is a real cow. You can see now where Courtney gets it from. Courtney takes a brief break from being a horribly self-centered person in order to lovingly comfort her brother. For the fourth time this episode a scene ends with a close up on Courtney's confused and frightened face, this time with Billy sharing the frame.

Hillside - Main Hall. Matt and Ashley meet up. Basketball practice is over. After-school club meetings are over. Finally they have time together! Matt looks wiped out and is almost slurring his speech. Is it the the effects of a rough practice or downing a bottle of hooch? You be the judge. I'm guessing it's the alcohol. Ashley's just happy to see Matt in a better mood. Matt asks Ashley to hold his backpack full of alcohol while he goes to get a soda from the machine. She places the bag down on a table and hears an odd metallic clink. What could be inside? Is it a gun? Have things between Matt and Coach Williams escalated to that level of animosity? Ashley sneaks a peak in Matt's bag and finds a HUGE flask of something. She sniffs it and it's strong. This ain't no canteen of water. It could possibly be cologne, the flask is that big. But no, it's booze. Ashley is distraught. The close up shot of her to close out the episode is priceless.

(Your BF is an alkie! Wah-Waaaaaaah!!!)

Next time on Fifteen: Ashley tries to convince herself you can't turn into an alcoholic at 15, but Jake assures her, "OOOHHHH, YES YOU CAN!!" Courtney totally loses her mind over her feelings for Dylan after that one kiss, and now that Brooke knows both Courtney and Theresa are interested in him, that's enough for Brooke to start planning to steal Dylan away from both of them. BITCH! Also, hopefully Olaf and Cindy will reappear. I miss them so!