FIFTEEN SEASON TWO, EPISODE SIX: THE RETURN OF ASHLEY FRASIER!

Last Time, on Fifteen: Dylan found Ashley hanging around in his garage. Brooke found new resources of bitchery within herself. Janice found out Dylan did not have the hots for her. Courtney and Matt found out they had the hots for each other. Just wait until everyone finds out Ashley's returning to Hillside!

(Note: As I was taking the screen caps for this episode way back when, I accidentally hit the closed captioning button on Youtube, and words started popping up at the bottom of the frame. I realize this is how closed captioning usually works. However, most of the captions had little resemblance to what was actually being said. Apparently, the captioning can't translate Canadian! Watching the show with the volume down and the captions on creates a whole different kind of nonsensical adventure. Sometimes, however, these wrong words line up in just the right way for a kind of Dark Side of The Rainbow experience. Enjoy them for the rest of Season 2!).

Dylan’s Garage Band. Dylan is jamming away, playing a groovy tune on his guitar. Ashley wanders in and reports to him that she finally told her parents she wouldn’t be returning to private school. Dylan assumes they had a cow, and in fact, they DID have a cow! Ashley refused to back down, so she’ll be returning to Hillside. In the process she has wrecked her relationship with her parents. Dylan’s all, "Been there done that, tie-dyed the t-shirt."  He assumes she’s coming to school with him this morning, but that would make too much sense. Ashley wants to start off her return to school on the right foot, by ditching class. Dylan leaves her to her crazy ways, and tells her he’ll be back to check on her at lunch. Ashley is really appreciative of his help. When are these two gonna start dating already?

Hillside – Locker Labyrinth. Courtney is moaning to Arseman about her romantic problems regarding Matt and Jake and I could've sworn this got resolved last week, but I guess not? Arseman speaks for the audience when she says she doesn’t understand what the problem is. Yeah, Matt dated Ashley, but Ashley doesn’t even live in the same city as them anymore. Plus they broke up well before she went away. And it’s not like Courtney promised to be Jake’s girlfriend when he came back from China. So if Courtney wants to go out with Matt, she should just get over herself and do it. Matt lumbers over and Arseman exits under all the impending awkwardness. Courtney stammers and stammers, but finally tells Matt she will in fact go out with him. He positively beams, as if going out on a date with Courtney is something that doesn't always end in disaster for everyone.

Avalon – Main Booth of Many Problems. Janice sits alone, drinking a drink that is sorely lacking in alcohol. She gets up to go, when she’s ambushed by Brooke and Stacy. They want to know what happened at Dylan’s garage yesterday. Janice stares at them distrustfully and slumps away without telling them anything. Brooke knows an unhappy camper when she sees one and vows to Stacy that they will get to the bottom of what happened. Stacy rolls her eyes behind Brooke’s back, because she has no fucking interest in investigating the non-drama that is Dylan and Janice.

Hillside – Locker Labyrinth. Brooke and Stacy rush over to Dylan. Out of concern for Janice, Brooke wants to know what on earth happened between them yesterday. Are his intentions pure? Dylan tells them he invited her over to talk about homework. Brooke has a lot of trouble believing this, which is weird considering she has been banging her head against homework troubles for the first four episodes of the season. It's a pretty straightforward explanation, but it just won't do! More detective work is required.

Hillside – Losers Lounge. Billy sits down next to Amanda and starts talking to her about all the cool things he’ll be doing with his dad this weekend. Amanda does not care. She has never cared about anything that Billy has ever said to her. She has NO INTEREST in him. Why won’t he take the hint? Finally, Amanda is like “LISTEN. I DON’T LIKE YOU! YOU’RE AN IMMATURE DUMMY. BACK OFF.” Amanda storms off and Billy’s left there like, “Is that the way girlfriends should speak to the boyfriends they love?”

Avalon - Side Booth of Side Conversations. Brooke is trying to figure out what the deal is with Dylan and Janice while Stacy sips her soda through a straw, bored out of her ever-lovin’ mind. Stacy suggests maybe they don’t have to think so much about it, since it has nothing to do with them and it isn’t their business. Brooke insists it IS there business because people are ignoring her questions. Stacy doesn’t respond, but she makes this face, like… Guys, Stacy is so over Brooke.  This is not the power friendship she signed up for. Finally, Brooke realizes Dylan WAS telling the truth about homework and that there was never any kind of romance involved in it and off they run to shove it in Janice's face!

Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Amanda runs into Janice and asks her about Dylan. Amanda is dripping with jealousy and can’t see that Janice is desperately trying to avoid everyone like a frightened, wounded animal. Brooke and Stacy storm in and Brooke fakely tells Janice not to worry about Dylan using her for homework help. Janice again leaves without saying a word to these harpies. Amanda is thrilled to learn Dylan isn’t interested in Janice, but Brooke quickly tells her that Dylan doesn’t give two shits about Amanda either. Satisfied with the mischief that's been managed, Brooke heads off with Stacy in tow. As Stacy passes her by, Amanda calls her out. “She’s my sister. I have to put up with her. What’s your excuse?” Stacy cringes. Her suspicions that Brooke might be a truly horrible person are now being confirmed by outside sources!

Dylan’s Garage Band.  Dylan enters to find that Ashley has been sitting in a chair staring at the wall all morning.  Ashley still doesn’t want to go to school, but facing her former friends and the questions they’ll have for her is better than sitting in that smelly garage for the rest of the day. Dylan thinks everyone will understand, but Ashley knows she’s been away long enough for everything to have changed. Plus, I don’t think she really cares about any of them. She just doesn’t want the weight of their opinions coming down on her. Whatever! The plot has to move forward at some point, so they leave the garage together and head to school.

Hillside – Boys Locker Room. Matt and Dave change after… lunch time drills? It can’t be after school. I don’t understand why they are doing this in the middle of the day. Dave fluffs Matt’s ego by explaining how much better Matt is at basketball than he is. Matt explains the only reason this is true is because Dave is short and untalented! That’s the only difference between them! Oh, and Dave is also single and unloved while Matt has a new chance at romance with Courtney this Friday! Everything in Matt’s life is finally coming together again! Now he’s waiting to get hit by a bus to even things out. That bus is named Ashley, Matt, and she’s speeding toward you with no working breaks, while you're tying your shoelaces in the crosswalk. Brace for impact!

Hillside – Losers Lounge. Courtney and Arseman giggle happily about Courtney’s date on Friday. Cutting through their happiness comes Brooke’s voice screaming, “ASHLEY??!” Courtney and Arseman leap up and run down the hall, finding Brooke standing with Ashley and Dylan. This is one of my favorite moments in the whole series, because it’s one of the rare times more than 4 people are in a scene together. Despite the show having a cast of 16 credited characters, 95% of all the scenes are really between 2 or 3 people at most. It’s only on a few rare occasions where they are all in the same shot talking together. Ashley apologizes for not telling them that she was home. Courtney and Arseman still don’t really get it, asking if she got a few days off from private school. Ashley’s like, “Nope! Well, gotta run!” and runs away from them – but not before literally bumping into Matt who looks as if he’s seen a ghost. 

Matt tries to slow her down but Dylan interferes. Kind of a dick move by Dylan. He doesn’t need to suddenly be Ashley’s protector. He definitely enjoys being more in the know than the rest of Ashley’s friends, though. Brooke is about to explode if she doesn’t get a clear answer to what this all MEANS. Dylan thinks it’s pretty clear without having to spell it out for her. More of the cast descends the Stairway to Nowhere as they argue, so you know the news of Ashley's return will be everywhere in no time. Nice scene, kids!

Hillside – Girls Locker Room. Janice is changing from gym. It must be some time later in the day because Arseman is with her as well, and we just saw her in the hallway with the others.  Janice and Arseman are basically wearing the same outfit - white shirt and salmon shorts. It’s… an interesting choice, by the costume department.  Anyway, Janice is sad and Arseman investigates. Janice explains to her that she has no friends at Hillside and she doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong. Instead of acting like an actual friend, Arseman implies that it’s really Janice’s fault for coming on too strong. Janice is like, “Fuck off, Fakey. I’m so over trying to be friends with you people. It just sucks that there are no decent people in this school.” Janice leaves Arseman alone to reflect on her inner awfulness.

Hillside – Losers Lounge. Leah fills Erin in on the details of Ashley being back. They assume that she ran away from private school and that the police could be looking for her. They are also concerned she showed up with “Dylan Heavy Metal,” which I guess is Dylan’s official last name now. We'll hyphenate it as Heavy-Metal. Works for me!

Hillside – Stairway to Nowhere. Courtney and Arseman race down the stairs to pump Dylan Heavy-Metal for details. He tries to stonewall them, but they persist. Finally he lets them know that she stood up to her parents and refused to go back to private school, so she’s now gone back to attending their hell hole of a school. He also admits she’s been home for a few days. Courtney is scandalized! Why wouldn’t Ashley tell her something like that?! I don’t know, Courtney. Maybe because you haven’t written or spoken to her the entire time she’s been away? That could possibly be why.

Dylan leaves and Arseman and Courtney process this new information on their own. Just to twist the knife deeper, Arseman’s like “Hey, what about you dating Ashley’s ex-boyfriend now that she’s back in town?” Courtney’s like, “Yeah, thanks for reminding me. FUCK ALL OF THIS.” She wanders off shaking her head. Ashley is already ruining everything!

Brooke’s Gigantor Bedroom. Brooke is on cloud nine, gloating to Stacy about all the juicy gossip that unfolded at school today. Janice was humiliated. Ashley returned in disgrace. Everyone is thrown! What could be better? Brooke is sure that Ashley got kicked out of private school as a result of nobody being able to stand her. She continues to delight in Ashley’s pain until Stacy can stand no more. Stacy gently asks Brooke if she couldn’t be just a little bit of a nicer person instead of being a heinous bitch 24/7. Brooke goes on the attack, saying she’s an honest person who speaks her mind and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes Brooke thinks Stacy is the one with the attitude problem. Stacy backs off, but you can tell from this moment forward, Stacy will be looking for the right time to get the hell out of this friendship.

Avalon – Main Booth of Many Sad Faces. Matt comes over to Courtney who’s sitting alone, all nervous-like. They discuss how bizarre it is to have Ashley back out of the blue. Matt wants to move forward with their plans, but Courtney is calling the whole thing off. Ashley being back changes everything. It’s too complicated and Courtney doesn’t want to deal with it. She’ll just stick with her back up plan of having a pen pal boyfriend in China. She leaves. Dave wanders over. You can assume he is always watching Matt from just a short distance away. He asks Matt how he’s doing. Matt’s like, “Perfect. The bus has shown up right on time to run me over." This kid could use a drink. If only he didn’t suffer from an alcohol problem!

Next Time, on Fifteen! Ashley’s return continues to ruin friendships and destroy lives. Billy continues to hit on girls who despise him. Brooke goes on a "Niceness Campaign" with disastrous results. Be here to read all about it along with the bizarre closed captions!