Saturday, January 22, 2011

FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever, Episode II Recap

(Matt Walker. Do not hassle him. You wouldn't like him when he's hassled.)

Previously on FIFTEEN: The Most Amazing Show Ever: Brooke and Kelly were evil bitches, Courtney and Billy dealt with parents on the verge of DIVORCE, Ashley whispered a lot, Dylan and Matt argued for unknown reasons and Jake was there to make everyone feel better about themselves in comparison. Most importantly, Brooke vowed to destroy Ashley just for the hell of it. You can read what i had to say about it here. With most of the character intros out of the way, it's time to turn up the heat, FIFTEEN!


Opening Sequence. The intro never fails to impress. Thank you for this song, Matt Ender. Thank you.

The episode starts at The Avalon - Loser's Table. Courtney is talking in a close-up shot. We can't tell who she is talking to. Is this episode picking up exactly where the last one left off? God, it takes her forever to say anything! No, she says it's the next morning. Her dad has moved out. We finally see that she is talking to Jake who has nothing useful to say. Really he just wants to get into her pants, or I guess in Courtney's case, under her ugly burlap sack of a full length skirt. Courtney mentions she has no idea how Billy is taking it, because she takes no interest in her younger brother's feelings. She also mentions she'll pour her own feelings into some terrible teen angst poetry. Please read it out loud for us later, Courtney. Please.

Avalon - Pinball Wizard room. Matt once again goes through the motions of playing pinball. The pinball game is Attila The Hun, for those who like useless trivia. Kelly slinks up to him, casually asking personal questions and gathering info to use against him in future schemes. Where's Ashley? At home bogged down with homework. Kelly invites Matt to hang out with her and Brooke the following day after school. Matt says he'll probably be with Ashley. Kelly nods approval and then runs off to make sure Ashley is buried alive or something so that Matt will be alone tomorrow afternoon.

Hillside - The School on a Hill. Ashley is doing school work at the table in the middle of the main hallway. She is wearing Matt's Letterman jacket... the jacket Matt was just wearing in the Avalon. What time is it? What day is it? Continuity errors abound!! Courtney staggers down the Stairs of Sadness and wanders over to Ashley. Ashley jumps up to greet her "BFF" and apologizes for not calling her last night. Ashley was doing homework and lost track of time. Courtney is a total Eeyore about it. Sure her family is falling apart, but she's sure Ashley's algebra assignment was gripping. Courtney insists she is fine. She couldn't care less about her parents. She wants to know why Ashley is so upset. Oh, Ashley is upset about an English test she took earlier in the week that they'll get back today. She thinks she failed. Courtney and I are both like, "bitch, please. you're one of those annoying girls who freaks out and goes on and on about how awful you did on every test and then every time you get a 90-something. Shut the eff up." Then Brooke walks over to them with an air of imperial malice and tells them she thought their English test wasn't a challenge at all. Ashley basically starts ripping out her hair and eating it. She's so nervous now. Courtney tries to compliment Brooke's outfit and Brooke barely even acknowledges her. Brooke's on fire! Keep it up, Brooke!

(Ashley destroyed. Courtney dismissed. Brooke delighted.)

OMG, this scene keeps going! Matt now walks over to them looking taller and skinnier than ever. He sits next to Ashley. There is no chemistry between them. Brooke starts flirting very obviously with Matt right in front of Ashley, saying how nice it was talking to him on the phone last night. Ashley's like "whaaaaaat?" And Matt and Brooke explain it was only about schoolwork... but Brooke really liked it. Matt decides that even though he just got there, these bitches are crazy, and makes up some excuse about going to see Jake in the gym. Brooke just happens to be going that way too! So off they go together. Courtney, who should tell Ashley that Brooke is a total skank for flirting with her man like that right in front of her, instead starts blathering on about how beautiful Brooke dresses and how really beautiful Brooke is. Ashley starts worrying on a new level she never thought possible.

Lockers in the Middle of the Hall. Seriously, Jake's and Matt's Lockers stand separately from everything else in the middle of the hall. Wait... are they back in the main hallway? I thought Matt just said they were going to the gym? Come on show, help me out here. Anyway, Matt is gonna go get a drink from the lounge before class starts. We assume it's not a BEER since that storyline is yet to be introduced, although it can't be far off. Anyway, Jake says he'll meet Matt before lunch, but Matt says he has to have some mysterious meeting with Coach Williams (they always say his name with an odd emphasis on Williams.) Ruh roh. Problems on the team? Jake says it can't possibly be bad news. Coach just wants to tell Matt how incredibly awesome he always is. Then as he leaves Jake says, "Catch you later, ace." Oh Jake, don't be Matt's fluffer. He's not worth it.

Student lounge. Dylan plays guitar not-terribly, in a black tee and blue jeans. Billy enters from one of the 18 million doorways (this school is designed like an Escher painting, I swear), and he is ALSO wearing a black tee and blue jeans. Billy tells Dylan how awesome the playing was. Dylan takes it in stride. Matt comes over to make fun of Dylan and his lookalike Billy and then wanders off again. Dylan reassures Billy he likes his taste in clothes. Billy beams under Dylan's praise. Dylan wanders off carrying his guitar, but leaves his amp behind, which seems like a mistake. Wouldn't somebody steal it? I would.

Girls Locker Room. Kelly preens in the mirror. Brooke and Kelly talk about how Brooke barely participates in gym, or really any other class. Brooke shrugs this off, so Kelly asks about her campaign to win Matt. Brooke corrects her that she doesn't want Matt, she's just trying to prove a point. Brooke exits, and Kelly is about to follow, but not before she glances back into the mirror and we get a sense that Kelly's inner-Iago is coming ever closer to the surface.

(When will my reflections show the crazy bitch I am inside?)

Main Hallway. Brooke and Courtney enter from yet another doorway. Man the set of Saved by the Bell was so much simpler. Courtney is tripping all over herself trying to tell Brooke about how much she likes writing and Brooke has totally blocked her out. Ashley calls to Courtney from the stairs and rushes over to tell her she did in fact do just fine on her English exam. Courtney is not surprised at all. Ashley asks Brooke about her test and Brooke tells her she did fine. Dylan bounces over and asks her what "fine" means. Brooke gets defensive, but Dylan snatches her test out of her folder. It was easy since the test was conveniently already sticking out half way. Brooke got a 53 on the test and Dylan reads the note that the test score "shows improvement." Damn, Brooke is a dummy in English. But she gets an A in scheming and an A+ in AP Bitchery. Brooke is naturally humiliated and runs off after snatching her paper back from Dylan. Ashley quietly appreciates Brooke's misfortune and Courtney doesn't know WHAT to think. Does she ever?

Matt's Locker. OHHH, here comes the best exchange of the episode. Ashley walks up to Matt.
Ashley: Hi!
Matt: YEAH??
Ashley: ... Jake said you had a meeting with your basketball coach. So how'd it go?
Matt: (stares at her and then throws a binder in his locker, slams it shut and walks away. Ashley is totes WTF.)
Seriously, how is this Ashely's fault? I can't wait to find out.

Stairs of Sadness. Lunchtime. Billy is sitting alone. Courtney comes up to him, pretending to care. She tells him to eat his sandwich and his apple before eating his chocolate bar. Billy's all "Our dad just moved out of our house, so I'm starting lunch with the chocolate bar." Both siblings then insist they are both fine. Courtney tries to convince Billy he shouldn't be fine, not with a DIVORCE going on. Billy is so turned off that he gets up and leaves Courtney with his lunch. It hardly seems fair, since he claimed that spot on the stairs first. Man, Courtney sucks.

Avalon - Loser's Table. Matt explains to Ashley that Coach Williams dragged him into his office to tell him that even though he scored 27 points in the last game and is averaging 19 points for the season, Matt is not working hard enough in practice. Ashley tries to play Devil's Advocate. Noooo. Why would she think this is a good strategy? It's two episodes in, and I already know Matt only listens to you if you're telling him good things about himself. Why would she side with the coach? Dumb move. She just thinks if Williams thinks he could be even better with more focus in practice, maybe he COULD be even better. This makes sense to Ashley because she is an overachiever. Matt thinks his awesome performance is awesome enough as it is, because he is a lazy ass.

(Whatever Ashley just said? It's bullshit.)

Ashley would love to stay and argue about it some more, but she has a lunchtime yearbook meeting. Matt can't believe Ashley would have her own life when he's dealing with all this drama right now. Ashley apologizes but bounces anyway. On her way out she passes by Kelly's table where Kelly's chatting with two nameless girls. Kelly expertly plants the seeds of gossip with them that Matt and Ashley are in trouble and that Matt secretly has a crush on Brooke. She swears she doesn't know anything for sure and probably should've even be saying it, so these two nameless girls certainly shouldn't go running around school spreading the gossip to all of their nameless friends.

With that she gets up and leaves, but AGAIN the scene is not over when you think it would be. Instead as Kelly moves toward the Pinball Wizard room, Blossom jumps out behind her and wants to talk. Oh wait, it's not Blossom. It's Theresa, Brooke's younger sister. She finally shows up! She's wearing a navy blue Blossom-hat, a yellow t-shirt and navy blue overalls. She looks ridic, but it was probably on trend in 1990. Anyway, she wants to know if it's true about Matt and Brooke. Kelly, best defense player ever, speaks very carefully not to implicate herself and suggests Theresa just ask her sister. Theresa gets feisty and tells Kelly not to spread RUMORS. Kelly tries not to laugh, because Theresa is totally out of her league. Kelly could eat her for breakfast.

(Theresa and her overalls prove no match for Kelly's scheming.)

Hillside Main Hallway. Matt is heading to his locker and Brooke is running after him. Matt looks upset. Did Ashley die? No, his basketball coach is just an asshole. Matt tells her the whole story again and Brooke is totally fakely supportive like Ashley should've been. Brooke tries to make plans with Matt, but he declines. She tries to save face as Matt leaves. Dylan is close by and asks what Matt's problem was. Brooke's assessment is considerably less supportive of Matt than it was when he was in earshot. Brooke tries to get a date with Dylan, but Dylan suggests they go to NYC for the weekend and Brooke is scandalized. Man, there was no point to their conversation.

Later we cut to Brooke's Gigantic Bedroom. Seriously, it's the size of an airplane hangar. There are 4 or 5 separate areas to the room. The sleeping area, the make up area, the computer area the TV area and the walk in closet. It's gotta be the same size as the main hallway at school. Anyway, they go on and on about how one of them has to be at home on Friday at 4pm to take an important call for their mother. Apparently answering machines have not been invented yet in Canada in 1990. Also, why is her mom having an important call come in at a time and date when she KNOWS she won't be there? I don't understand. Would this have even made sense to me 21 years ago? Regardless, Brooke has to be home because Theresa is going to her friend Crystal's birthday party. She takes great effort to emphasize the point, so we can guess this whole scenario won't end well for the sisters.

The conversation turns to whether Brooke likes Matt. Apparently the rumor spreading is well underway. Brooke insists she broke up with Matt and feels nothing, but can't help if Matt is drawn to her. Theresa tells Brooke to just leave him alone. It's not fair to Ashley! Oh, Brooke isn't gonna waste time being lectured by her little sister. Especially when she has to go plan how to destroy Ashely's life!

Avalon - Conspirator's Corner. Brooke and Kelly talk about the rumor-spreading. Brooke is aware enough to believe Kelly's behind it, but Kelly insists it was just planting the idea that Matt likes Brooke, not the other way around. Brooke whispers the rest of her plan to Kelly about how she's gonna rip Ashley and Matt apart, and Kelly's face twists with delight and declares it "perfect."

(The Secret Life of the Canadian Teenager.)

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Jake and Ashley try to get Matt to feel better. He's not done sulking though. They both think he's being a total asshole, but neither of them has enough spine to tell him so. Since it's the weekend, Matt is ready to drown his sorrows in some BEER. Ashley and Jake nearly pass out right there with worry. Matt tells them to calm the eff down, that it's just a little BEER between buddies on a Saturday night. Ashley breathlessly assures us it's not just Saturday nights. It's more than once a week! Matt tells us he is sick and tired of getting hassled! Ominous music plays as Matt exits. Ashley is super concerned, but Jake tries to make excuses for Matt. Ashley won't hear it though. He's CHANGING. She's really getting worried about him... OMG me too...

(The "Just Say No To Beer Lecture" doesn't sit well Teen Alcoholic, Matt Walker.)

Next time on Fifteen: Billy gets his first visit to Dylan's Garage - a place where his "uncaring" parents have outfitted him with everything you need for a start up garage band, Matt swears to Ashley that there's nothing going on between him and Brooke, shit hits the fan for Theresa and Brooke over Crystal's Birthday Party, Cindy and Olaf arrive on the scene (yay!!), Ashley starts to have a mental breakdown and Brooke and Kelly vow to hasten Ashley's descent into madness.


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