Credits: New Intro – No character name placards this season, but we do get the same wondrous theme song! Highlights from the dramatic intro montage: Dylan gets in a shoving match with some boy we don’t know in the hallway at school. Courtney escorts a basket case Ashley to a table at the Avalon, while some girl we don’t know watches from a distance. Back at school, Billy grabs yet another kid we don’t know, turns him upside down and shakes coins out of him like a piggy bank. Then it's back to the Avalon where Brooke sits with two more girls we don’t know and tries to make one look pretty. The girl just sits there making a sad face. Brooke gives her this look like, “Well, I’m trying, but you see what I'm working with?!”
Elsewhere in the Avalon, Matt looks longingly at Ashley sitting at the counter, talking to the kid who was in the shoving match with Dylan earlier. Yet another boy we don’t know watches Matt watch Ashley. These kids are all stalking each other! A bunch of girls we don’t know sit at a table and talk shit about either the guy watching Dylan or the guy talking to Ashley. Sight lines here are unclear. Then Dylan’s band is playing in his garage, but yet another kid we don’t know is playing drums instead of Billy and – oh dear lord! Ashley is singing at a keyboard with one final girl we don’t know. I’m beginning to vaguely recall a plotline with the band trying to find a female lead singer and Ashley being involved. Okay, that's it for the Season 2 credit sequence. Time to start the show!
Ashley's Basement of Sorrowful Whispers and Mental Collapse - Courtney and Ashley sit around looking miserable and bored out of their minds. Girls, the season JUST STARTED. If you’re not engaged now, how much further can the energy slide by the time Episode 13 rolls around? Courtney (who is wearing jeans! No more hideous floor length dresses? What's going on?) thinks maybe she should go, since they are not really friends and having nothing to talk about. Ashley is all too pleased to send her on her way. On her way up the stairs, Courtney mentions getting a letter from Jake who is in China with his mom for 6 weeks. I had forgotten Jake never actually appears in Season 2, but is one of the few characters whose absence is explained and one of even a smaller group of characters who actually rejoin the show once they leave.
Avalon – Side Table of Sorrowful Solitude. Recovering Alcoholic Matt mopes by himself when his former friends from the basketball team come in. Matt asks them about the latest game, which of course they won without his stupid ass. Having been kicked off the team, Matt's horrible attitude is no longer dragging them down, so they've won five straight! The basketball dudes don’t even try to hide that they're better off without him. They’re just like, “Yup! Later!” and Matt sits back down all alone as more Ominous Transition Music plays.
Hillside, Locker Labyrinth – Brooke enters sporting a new power lesbian haircut and a referee pattern shirt. Excellent! Some girl we don’t know yet calls after her. And now I'd like to introduce you to a new segment in Fifteen Recaps called "And You Are...?" dedicated to the numerous previously unseen but suddenly integral characters that will unceremoniously pop up on this show from here on out. What I have been able to gather over the years about what happened behind the scenes is this: After Season 1, production shifted from Vancouver to Ottawa which necessitated new casting and storyline changes (production jumped again for Seasons 3 and 4 to Nickelodeon Studios in Orlando, and the cast shake ups happened again). The writers took this opportunity to reboot an otherwise intensely serialized show, with almost no attempt to explain what had happened or why people suddenly disappeared. So here’s our first guest on “And You Are…?” Brooke’s sister, Amanda. Amanda is a new sister. But she’s been here the whole time! Their previously-known-to-us sister Theresa, having successfully set the trap that got Brooke in trouble for plagiarism, has left Hillside (everyone's moving on mid-term? mid-week?). Brooke now hates Amanda because Amanda told their father about Brooke’s many school-related crimes. Amanda tries to reconcile, but Brooke is in no mood to forgive little sis #2, suggesting Amanda go get run over by a school bus. There were never such devoted sisters!
Avalon – Pinball Wizard Room. Close up on Matt’s right hand - he is wearing a thick gold ring on his middle finger. Was that ever a fashion thing? Billy comes in and “accidentally” slams into him so that he loses the game. It has to be intentional, though I don’t know why he does this. Billy asks about Ashley. Matt says they broke up. Eventually Billy kinda wanders away. Nothing happens here. Why did this scene exist? Why would Billy care about Matt or Ashley anyway? Oh, God. This show! Never change! (It never will.)
Hillside – Student Lounge. Dylan tries to talk to Courtney and she is obnoxious to him. He just wants to gossip about what’s happening with Ashley. The reason Courtney doesn’t blab everything to him immediately has nothing to do with loyalty or discretion. It's entirely because she wants to feel superior by shutting him out. She blows him off and walks to the end of another table to meet our second contestant on “And You Are…?” It’s Arseman! She’s been here the whole time! If you don’t remember her, that’s your own fault! Get your brain checked! Arseman notes that Courtney just can’t not be bitchy to Dylan. It must be noted that Courtney is back to wearing a horrible vertical striped full length dress to school. Where did the jeans go? Sigh. Courtney says getting involved with Dylan was the worst mistake she ever made. Courtney, you were NEVER involved with Dylan. You were obsessed with him and he kissed you one time to literally stop you from talking at him. Then you freaked out when one kiss didn't mean he wanted to be with you forever and ever. Somehow, Courtney sees herself as the victim here. She's insane. Courtney and Arseman gossip about Ashley by discussing everything you already saw in the first scene.
Courtney and Arseman talk about staging an intervention for Ashley at the Avalon later that night. Of course, Courtney blabs the whole plan loud enough so that Brooke can overhear them when she walks by. Brooke, of course, is intrigued! Courtney and Arseman don’t even bother to hide rolling their eyes, as they’re both like, “FUCKING. HELL.” They both tell Brooke to just leave it alone and not to tell anyone about it. Brooke says she won’t, but she totally will.
Ashley's Basement of Sorrowful Whispers and Mental Collapse. Courtney goes to see Ashley during lunch. Ashley is packing her stuff as Courtney tries and fails one more time to get her to see reason. Ashley finally agrees to at least go to the Avalon with Courtney for “goodbye pizza” (the air quotes are mine, but I'm surprised they're not hers) so the Intervention Plan has been hatched! I'm sure it will all go as planned and not be a raging disaster.
Avalon – Main Booth of Misery. Matt sits alone doing his work, drinking a (rum and?) coke. Brooke comes over to ruin his day and go through a lot of exposition. Littler sister Theresa is at art school, Matt got kicked off the basketball team for drinking and having a bad attitude, and then his toxic relationship with Ashley fell apart. Now, Ashley’s leaving for private school, and- Wait... did Matt just miss something here? He didn't know about Ashley leaving until Brooke just told him?? Oops! Matt freaks out and runs off at this news. With the main booth all to herself now, Brooke orders lunch. Being a total bitch can work up an appetite! The waitress shoves a menu toward her, seething with contempt. Everyone hates Brooke.
Avalon – Corner Booth of Crumbling Dreams. Billy is playing drums on the table and Dylan comes over and they have this conversation about rehearsing later that goes on for like 2 whole minutes and tells us nothing except that Billy is REALLY into making the band good, Dylan thinks Billy’s getting ahead of himself, and I await the inevitable moment when Billy is kicked out of the band and loses his entire mind.
Hillside, Stairway to Exposition - Arseman and Courtney have the exact same conversation they had before about staging an intervention for Ashley – just in case you tuned in late and missed it the first time. But this time, Matt runs over to them and wants confirmation that Ashley really is leaving like Brooke told him. Courtney’s basically like, “Yeah, I was gonna tell you just as soon as she was already gone.” Will Ashley's ex-boyfriend awkwardly show up at her intervention?? (He will.)
Three feet away, (but it might as well be happening in a totally different universe) we meet our third contestant in, “And You Are…?” This one we’re not supposed to know, though! Her name is Janice, she is new and everyone will hate and shun her because she is new. Not only is she new, but she’s also not white, so Hillside’s well-documented knee-jerk xenophobia is about to rear its ugly head in a major way. Janice desperately tries to introduce herself to an uninterested Dylan before Billy marches in between them and pulls Dylan away. Then they say not nice things about Janice while she’s RIGHT THERE until she cringes and leaves. These kids are THE WORST. Billy fills in Dylan about Ashley’s intervention.
The Avalon – Intervention Central. Courtney and Ashley sit at the main booth eating the saddest two slices of pizza you ever saw. They're topped with deli-sliced salami, a topping I’ve NEVER seen on pizza in my life. Is that a Canadian thing? Ashley is weirded out because she’s afraid they will run into people from school. Courtney’s all, “YEAH… about that…” when Arseman walks in. Ashley whispers, “HOW DARE YOU???” as loud as a person can whisper. Arseman shuts her down pretty fast, though. Her friends just want to say goodbye, which any sane person would understand. Instead of dramatically running from the room, Ashley agrees to speak to them. Dylan and Billy awkwardly shuffle over. Dylan tells her it’s crazy to think anyone would care that she cheated on the test. Billy says nothing. They retreat to order drinks from the counter. Matt comes in. THE TENSION!! He mumbles,“Hi...” and goes to play pinball.
Brooke saunters in and starts twisting the knife into Ashley in amazing fashion. She tells Ashley it’s so sad that she’s being sent to “reform school” (“Private school!” Arseman adorably interjects) and how cheating really isn’t as bad as murder, and how Ashley only did it because she’s inadequate. What’s lost on all of these people is that Brooke is the biggest cheater and liar at school! I don’t understand why no one throws it in her face. The show remembers it as a plot point - Brooke’s downfall was buying the geography paper written with Olaf’s stolen notes and getting caught - but the other kids never compare what Brooke did to what Ashley did in order to shut Brooke up. This makes NO sense! Finally, Dylan comes over and tells Brooke to find a toilet and flush herself down (implication: Brooke is a total shit. Nice job getting around the sensors there, Fifteen!) Brooke retreats, humiliated. Ashley goes over to talk to Matt.
Pinball Wizard Room. Matt and Ashley have an awkward goodbye conversation. Both of their lives have been destroyed. Is there any hope for them in the future? No. They agree that the future is only filled with more sorrow and everything is ruined. The End!
Next Time on Fifteen! Everyone moves on from Ashley being the center of everything! Or do they? We meet a whole new slate of contestants of America's Favorite Game Show, “And You Are…?” with Erin, Chris and David! Janice faces unending ridicule from everybody! Courtney wears jeans again! Brooke finally realizes she has ZERO FRIENDS! It’ll all be PRETTY HEAVY!
ReplyForward
|
No comments:
Post a Comment