(I'd like to thank the Academy for this five hour telecast...)
Here we go, the Mac Daddy of Awards Shows! The OSCARS! I will be updating this with my thoughts on the evening and let you know how my predictions stacked up against the results. In case you're like me and didn't see a lot of the best picture hopefuls here are some brief reenactments to get you up to speed on the nine films competing for the night's top prize..
Here's Part 1:
And here's Part 2:
Inspired, no? It's been quite a year for movies. While we're waiting for the show to start, you can watch this to learn exactly what you need to do to have your movie get a chance at one of those golden statues...
There's still about 30 minutes before 90 minutes of red carpet and then 3 or so hours of show. We'll see how it goes!
We're going with ABC's red carpet coverage. Robyn Roberts who I don't know but I'm sure I've seen her somewhere. TIM GUNN AND NINA GARCIA are doing style commentary together! I can only hope she tells someone they look safe and boring, or that she questions their taste level. The only thing that could top that would be if Tim told someone their dress looked like student work. It will never happen, but I can dream!
Octavia Spencer, Maya Rudolph, ann Rooney Mara all look lovely. Jonah Hill is in total black. I forget that dude's nominated this year! Mila Jovovich looks lovely too. This is her first Oscars! So far no one looks horrible.
Bob Iger and the Prince of Monaco are talking to Robyn Roberts. This has to be the most random interview of the night.
Emma Stone is wearing fuschia and a giant bow, which she acknowledges. She is awesome. She is presenting! So we'll see her again later on.
Nina Garcia likes Jessica Chastain's look, and I have to agree she looks hot. They have to show us a fashion"don't" eventually to balance out all this good taste.
Viola Davis! Love her! Michelle Williams! Love her! And Christopher Plummer in a velvet tux? This show can end right now.
A montage of moms talking about the nominees. Aww. And now here comes Melissa McCarthy and her mom and they are crying and hugging. She's so sweet. I'd love to see her win if it didn't mean that super sweet Octavia then had to lose. Let's score it a tie, folks!
Kristen Wiig! Tina Fey! And then there's Colin Firth. I love him so. He's taking it easy this having taken home the Oscar last year. I really an liking the Brit lady who's doing the interviews. Lousie Roe. I need to look up who she is at the next commercial.
Jean Dujardin! He's a sweetheart. I hope he beats Clooney for best actor. Clooney's already got an Oscar. The Artist for the WIN!
Nina is being very nice to everyone. Show me someone who's NOT dressed well!
Wikipedia tells me Lousie Roe is known for hosting BBC's The Clothes Show, E!’s Fashion Police, E!'s Perfect Catch, and the CW TV show Plain Jane. That's why I don't know who she is.
J. Lo is there. Just so you know.
Lousie gets to try to banter with Nick Nolte. He has pet crows and a pinball machine. God bless her.
Zack Galifinakis is there. Just so you know.
Penelope Cruz looks amazing. "There is no critical analysis!" to her style process she assures Tim Gunn. lol.
I've just learned that over on E! Sacha Baron Cohen — dressed in character from his upcoming comedy The Dictator — dumped an urn of ashes over Ryan Seacrest on air, saying it was the remains of Kim Jong Il. Sigh. A little desperate, me thinks.
Bradley Cooper has a moustache and a decent Christopher Walken impression.
Gwyneth looks lovely in white. Glenn Close (but no cigar!) looks kinda awesome in a black Zac Posen dress with blazer.
My attention to dresses is fading... I need the actual awards show to start soon!
Brad Pitt... Sandy Bullock... I'm tired of interviews. It's sexy times for Sandra tonight, but I'm zoning out until Billy Crystal shows up.
The Oscars have started! Morgan Freeman is here! Where's Billy Crystal? The hyper orchestra is threatening to overpower him.
Billy Crystal is putting himself in lots of movies. Including an extended clip of Tintin which I'm pretty sure was nominated for nothing. Maybe special effects? I don't know. He's doing some jokes. His mike is all messed up. It has some kind of mechanical feedback to it.
The mike for his song montage isn't right either. Somehow his competence makes me yearn for the train wreck hosting of Franco and Hathaway from last year.
Oh no, it seems to be the main mic that is giving the digital sounding feedback. That means everyone is gonna sound that way??! All-night? I'm gonna switch to watching in non-HD and see if maybe the signal is different. I don't know why it would be, but I really don't want to listen to it all night.
Cinematography goes to HUGO! No, I'm 0-1! Art Direction also goes to HUGO. I'm 1-2! Let's keep it up.
After commercials, the audio problems have not been solved. Ugh. There's a montage of lines from movies that you've seen in at least a dozen other oscar montages. Seriously, this is filler of the lamest order.
Best Costume Design goes to THE ARTIST! I'm now 2-3. Cameron Diaz and J.Lo present Best Make Up and crack themselves up with silly posing before reading the name. This not taking themselves seriously moment is my favorite moment of the night so far. Best Make Up goes to IRON LADY! Ugh, I'm back 2 out of 4.
There's yet another montage of people talking about movies they've seen. God help me, just show twice as many commercials instead of this!
Sandra Bullock comes out to tell us that the Academy decided to simulcast the audio in Star Wars Android Speak which is why we're heaing the computerized sounding feedback. She doesn't actually say that she says something in German-Mandarin. Ugh I don't know. Best Foreign Film goes to A SEPARATION! 3-5 for the night.
It's Christian Bale! I thought he might beat the shit out of whatever's causing the audio problem, but he does not. He presents best supporting actress to OCTAVIA SPENCER! Yay! She's lovely. Everyone in that category is, but I'm very happy for her. She is crying. Aww, she tries to thank everyone. Christian Bale helps her off the stage and this hot violinist starts rocking out hard core as we go to commercial. I'm at 4-6.
Focus group montage from THE CHRISTOPHER GUEST CREW seeing Wizard of Oz! Not as funny in the execution as was the premise. Kinda the theme of the night.
Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper present Best Film Editing to... GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO! That's a shocker. 4-7. The winners are totally unprepared to say anything. They charmingly flee the stage.Tina and Bradley also present sound editing to HUGO! The winner for Hugo gets out the best line of the night so far by saying "if I've forgotten anybody, then you probably know who you are." They're also handing out sound mixing to HUGO. So now I'm at 6 out of 9.
The Muppets introduce Cirque de Soleil and they interpret what it's like to go the movies. I don't know what it has to do with going to the movies, but it's still pretty dope. Especially when these girls come diving out of the ceiling on trapeze swings.
Gwyneth and Robert Downey Jr. do an extended bit on documentary feature and then give the award to UNDEFEATED! The winners seem REALLY young AND one of them gets bleeped. I'm at 6 for 10.
Chris Rock comes out to tell us how easy voicing animation is. "What's the next line? It's getting dark outside. IT'S GETTING DARK OUTSIDE! And then they pay me million dollars!" I want that job. He presents Animated Feature to RANGO. I'm at 7 for 11. Did I go into a boredom coma and miss the Live Action and Animated Short categories? When are those happening?
Emma Stone and Ben Stiller come out to persent Visual Effects. They do an extended bit beforehand where Emma is super enthusiastic and tries to make the most of her time on stage. This is why she's so good on SNL. I actually laughed! I don't think I'd laughed yet the rest of the night. Visual Effects goes to HUGO! 8 for 12!
Melissa Leo is here wearing a slightly odd dress and presents best supporting actor to CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER! Yay Captain Von Trapp! His speech is awesome. I love Christopher Plummer. I have always wanted to be him when I grow up. These fools with the stop watch no better then to try and play him off. He thanks his beautiful wife last and the camera gets to her just in time for us to watch her break into an Ugly Cry. I love every second. 9 for 13.
Oh, I wrote this thing about Billy's "What Everybody is thinking." but the blog erased it! I liked it though. It was old school fun.
Owen Wilson and the impossibly beautiful Penelope Cruz present best score to THE ARTIST. Cool deal.10 for 14! And Will Ferrell and Zach Galifanakis or however the hell you spell it come out with cymbals and smash the hell out of them in front of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I don't know why that's so funny but it is. They present Best Song to THE MUPPETS! YAY!!!!! So happy the Muppets got recognized. Bret McKenzie is a cool dude. There should've been more song nominees, but I'm glad the right dude took home the award! 11 for 15!
Angelina Jolie is showing A LOT of leg and she's loving it. She presents best adapted screenplay to THE DESCENDANTS! The Dean from Community has an Oscar!! Yay Jim Rash! Original Screenplay goes to MIDNIGHT IN PARIS! Woody Allen is not in the house. Angelina is taking the award on his behalf and you can try to pry it from her cold dead hands. 13 of 17.
The Bridesmaids are on hand to crank through the three remaining awards you don't know and which I've probably guessed wrong. Short live action goes to THE SHORE. Sorry, Time Freak. :( The winners are adorable though. Is there a Scorsese drinking game? Melissa McCarthy seems to think so. Documentary Short goes to SAVING FACE! I did pick that one! The winners give a lovely speech dedicated to the women of Pakistan. Animated Short goes to FANTASTIC FLYING BOOKS...! The winners are totally stoked. I get through the random pick categories 1 for 3. I'll take it. 14 for 20. Let's see if I can make it out of this thing 18 for 24!
Michael Douglass is on hand to present Best Director to MICHEL HAZANAVICIUS! He forgot his speech. But he'll ramble on. He thanks his cast including the dog. It looks pretty good for The Artist for Best Picture now. But we'll see if The Help doesn't pull off an 15 for 21.
It's 11pm and we still haven't had the In Memoriam. The show continues forward with no end in sight despite only 3 actual awards left to go.
Here we go with In Memoriam. They are going with live vocals which is always dangerous to me.There's nothing I hate more about these things than cut-aways to a live singer during a tribute to dead people. They handle this one well though. The visual stays focused on the tribute and it's a wide range of people who have worked in the film business in different capacities. Elizabeth Taylor gets the pimp spot at the end, as it should be. Well played. Oscars. That part went pretty well.
Natalie Portman is on hand to give out Best Actor and she has to read these long speeches about how awesome each actor is. LOL it goes on forever. But in the end she gives the best actor statue to JEAN DUJARDIN! YAY! He is delightful. I'm now at 16 for 22. Hey, are we about be treated to Colin Firth talking about the best actress nominees for 20 minutes? That's a show I can sit through!
Firthy is on stage looking wonderfuland talking it up to all the ladies. He gives a Mamma Mia shout out to Meryl which I enjoy. Never saw that movie though. Then he gives the award to MERYL STREEP! Oh no, I picked Viola! This isn't quite an upset, but I really thought it was Viola's year. Meryl's speech is very emotional and lovely.
A very subdued Tom Cruise is here to present best picture to THE ARTIST! Yay! It is oddly a small group of people on stage But the dog is there! These dudes rule. It was the only film of the bunch filmed entirely in LA! That's amusing. Billy barely gestures to them to move off stage before just announcing the show's over. So the show's over. I wound up at 17 for 24 on my predictions. Not too bad. I've done better, I've done worse. In terms of ceremony, I thought the show started VERY slow and picked up energy over time. Still the audio problems were annoying and took away from the enjoyment of the night. But we got through it! Thanks for reading! Until next time, go rent some movies!