Previously on Fifteen: Arseman became the frontrunner for lead singer of Dylan’s band. Billy became entirely unglued from reality. Matt became enraged at the attention other guys have been giving Ashley. Brooke, Stacy and Dave became temporarily invisible. Courtney became Janice’s one true friend. What will become of the kids this week?
Hillside – Stairway to Nowhere. Ashley and Dylan walk and talk about Matt’s crazy outburst at the end of last episode. Dylan has always believed Matt was a total jerk, but now Ashley’s eyes are opened to the true depths of his suckitude as well. All hope for friendly reconciliation between them seems lost. Meanwhile, Dylan and Ashley remain JUST FRIENDS, but... I wonder. Chris slithers over to Ashley and is pretty gross right to her as he says hello. Both Dylan and Ashley openly tell him to leave her the fuck alone. Chris has more pressing business than freaking out Ashley. He wants to make sure Dylan has secured Arseman as their lead singer. Dylan has not managed to do it. Chris wants them to lock her in before Billy can scare her away with his insane ramblings.
Speaking of which, Arseman comes down the hall with Billy in tow. He is telling her some absurd story about his made-up history with drumming. Arseman is barely nodding along to whatever he is saying, paying the least amount of attention possible while still remaining in the scene together. Dylan and Chris approach and ask her for her decision about joining the band. They are standing in a very unusual spot that allows you to see all the way up the stairway, and at the top there is TOTAL DARKNESS. It truly is a stairway to nowhere as I’ve been saying all along! As we try not to stare directly into the void, Arseman finally concedes that this storyline can't go forward unless she joins the band, so they all agree to rehearse at 4pm that afternoon. Jerry is coming over to hear them and see if they’re good enough to play at the Avalon. Billy is concerned that they haven’t practiced enough together yet (meaning, at all?), but Chris already told Jerry they were still breaking in a new singer. Arseman and I both roll our eyes over his use of, “breaking in.” So gross.
Arseman leaves and the guys sit down and… ugh, this scene. Out of nowhere, Dylan and Chris decide to bet on who will be the first guy to get Arseman to agree to go on a date with him. Ugh, she was nice enough to agree to spend time with them in the band, why are they bothering her MORE? They don’t even like Arseman like that! They're both such morons. Dylan at least has the sense to say they shouldn’t be betting on a person, but he goes along with it anyway. Billy seems to understand this is a very terrible thing to do, and also something that will likely cause Arseman to quit the band when she finds out – and she WILL find out. But whatever, they bet the prize of a pizza on being the first to land a date with Arseman. Fools.
Avalon – Main Booth of Minor Plot Developments. Janice and Courtney are sipping on sodas as Courtney shows off a fancy necklace her Grandmother gave her. Janice asks if it’s an antique. Courtney doesn’t know, because Courtney’s not so much into listening to the details of what people say to her as she is into looking at shiny objects. Arseman enters the space and says hi to Matt who is moping by himself at a side table. She asks him how he is and he mutters, “Oh… fine.” She gets a drink, joins the girls in admiring Courtney’s necklace and announces she joined the band. The other girls approve. They also discuss the fact that Courtney just got another letter from Jake and it was VERY romantic. I cannot believe how much time these kids spend talking about Jake when he doesn’t appear once the entire season. Janice thinks if Courtney likes him, Jake must be a really special guy. Arseman and Courtney laugh because she actually has a track record of liking total morons. That’s not my commentary. That’s their actual explanation of why they are laughing. At least Courtney is self-aware in this regard.
Hillside – Losers Lounge. Dylan approaches Billy and tells him he has to talk to Chris about the artistic direction of the band. Then why not just go talk to Chris instead of Billy? Billy tries to talk to Dylan about his crush and how he bought the girl a present. Dylan teases him about being too young for a 15 year old girl, so Billy doesn’t tell him it’s actually Ashley. Then Billy goes over to Ashley and they talk about Arseman being in the band, because we can’t go ONE conversation without somebody talking about it this week. Billy debates giving Ashley her present, but then he chickens out when the bell rings, so he still doesn’t give her the damn gift. Get on with it, Billy!
Dylan’s Garage Band. Dylan and Chris argue about the artistic direction of the band. It’s the same shit as always. Nothing is resolved. Arseman and Billy enter and the boys immediately launch into fake compliments and romantic bullshit. Billy and Arseman are both embarrassed for them. She hasn’t quite figured out exactly what’s going on yet, but it’s nice that Arseman doesn’t take either of them seriously.
Avalon – Side Table of Side Conversations. Ashley, Courtney and Janice look on as Jerry makes a big deal about leaving to go hear Dylan’s band. Ashley doesn’t like how full of himself Jerry is, but Courtney thinks he’s got reason since he’s setting up all the bands. Janice brings up Courtney’s new necklace again. It’s not THAT nice, Janice. The girls toast good luck to the band and Janice heads out. Ashley agrees with Courtney that Janice really is a nice person, even if she gushes a bit. YES. That’s her problem. It’s the gushing. I never quite put it that way, but that’s exactly what she does that gets people put off on her. Oh well. Everyone likes her now. I’m sure nothing will happen soon that will make everyone suddenly turn against her again.
Dylan's Garage Band. The band auditions for Jerry. They sound rough. Jerry gives them a pass anyway, after faking them out. Jerry, you rascal! The band has a gig! They are all excited - especially Billy. He has basically willed the band's gig into existence. The sad thing is that he will take this as evidence that all of his wild fantasies can come true, but they can't. Chris takes this moment to put his arm around Arseman's shoulder in one of the most awkward record-scratch moments of the season. She does not like you, doofus! And you don't like her either. Stop this nonsense!
Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Siblings Billy and Courtney share a moment together! Courtney congratulates Billy on the band's gig and shows off her fancy necklace from Grandma. Billy tells her not to lose it, and she insists she won't, so it's a good bet that necklace will be lost before episode's end. Billy tries to ask Courtney about Ashley, when Matt literally staggers passed them. Billy says hello and all Matt can do is wave his arm in Billy's general direction before wandering off in silence. This behavior doesn't register as odd to Courtney or Billy. They just keep on talking. Billy wants to know where Ashley's locker is located. He has to know this already. Courtney tells him, and this bizarre scene has ended. Thank goodness!
Avalon – Main Booth of Men Bitching. Dylan and Chris are struggling to come up with a name for the band. I think "Arseman & The Morons' sounds great, but neither boy suggests it. Too on the nose? Dylan just starts naming things inside the Avalon. The pinball machines! The chairs! The tables! Finally, they decide to have a “Name The Band Contest” so that they can pick a name from the horrible suggestions of others instead of one of their own. At this moment, Arseman comes in with Ashley (were they not just sitting with Courtney? What bizarre continuity is this?) and the boys leap into action acting like idiots as they try to impress her. News that they fail in their attempt will come as no shock to you, dear reader. The boys leave and Ashley and Arseman are like WTF? Could both boys have a crush on Arseman at the same time? Arseman is like, “PLEASE, GOD. NO.” She doesn’t think Dylan is that bad, but Chris is the worst and it’s enough just to have to sing with them. Ashley comments that Chris is cute at least, and Arseman is like “YOU THINK CHRIS IS CUTE???” Ashley claims that she did not say this, but she did, and now Arseman won’t let her off the hook. Ashley and Chris should get married. With three episodes left to the season, is there still time to plan a Fifteen wedding?
Hillside – Girls Locker Room. Janice is icing her knee when Ashley comes in. Wait, is this the same day? The following day? Help me out, show! Let’s just say it’s the next day. Janice bumped knees with Courtney and Ashley is leaving a note for Courtney, so they take this moment in the locker room to talk about how great Courtney is. Janice is lucky she has her as a new friend. But then ominous music plays us into the next scene so we know something sinister is afoot!
Hillside – Losers Lounge. Dylan and Chris try to get people interested in naming their band and it’s an epic failure. They also take time to argue about who’s closer to getting a date with Arseman and that too is an epic failure. This whole scene is an epic failure. The one bright spot is that the extras who roam the halls have no interest in the band and expect them to be lousy. Their keen insight made me laugh.
Hillside - Girls Locker Room. Courtney is alone at her locker and realizes she lost her Grandmother’s necklace. She searches everywhere! She can’t find it! Nice work, dummy! You couldn’t hold on to it for even three commercial breaks!
Avalon – Main Booth of Maybe Crushes. Ashley and Arseman are still going over whether Ashley said Chris was cute or not, an entire day after the fact. (Verdict: She DID!) Courtney runs in shouting about her stolen necklace. She’s 100% sure – or basically, pretty, maybe, sure – that she left it in her gym locker. Ashley asks if Courtney got the note she left on her gym locker saying she’d be late for lunch. Courtney doesn’t care about that now, but I do. I’m confused. Aren’t they eating lunch now? Why else would they be at the Avalon in the middle of the day? And if Ashley is at lunch before Courtney, why is she leaving her a note saying she’s going to be late? None of these questions get answered. Ashley realizes that Janice was in the locker room with her, but it seems impossible that Janice would be a jewel thief. While all this is going on, Stacy has been at the counter listening in. When she hears that Janice might be a suspect in a robbery, she runs off, presumably to tell Brooke. What a dick move! The Queen of Dick Moves has taught you well, Stacy! Oh, so well...
Hillside – Losers Lounge. Stacy runs down the hall and finds Brooke, who has been missing for almost two entire episodes with no explanation. She’s certainly back in action now though, as Stacy tells her she’s got major gossip and it involves Brooke’s favorite punching bag, Janice! Brooke is practically salivating over this news. It’s truly the happiest we’ve seen her all season.
Hillside – Girls Locker Room. Ashley, Courtney and Arseman scour the room looking for the missing necklace. It’s nowhere to be found. Courtney can’t believe that Janice could’ve taken it. Just then, Janice walks into the locker room. Why? She’s already taken gym today. There’s no reason for her to go back to the locker room except that the scene requires it. Janice just wanders through this show like she’s at Sleep No More. Before the girls can ask Janice about the necklace, Brooke storms in with Stacy and accuses Janice of stealing it. Y'all! There are six characters in this scene! All girls! It must be a record. Anyway, Janice doesn’t have any idea what’s going on, but Brooke keeps on spinning this big story about how it had to be Janice and how Janice faked her injury to get inside the locker room alone to take it. Brooke lunges at Janice, who quickly gets out of the crazy girl’s way. Brooke takes this as proof that there never was an injury. No one believes Brooke’s story, but Janice looks scared. Courtney asks her to just say she didn’t take it, but instead Janice just runs out of the locker room. That didn't help your case, Janice! Brooke declares this an open and shut case and apologizes to Courtney for proving that her newest best friend is really an untrustworthy thief. Courtney shakes her head and bites her lip. That indicates Courtney is REALLY struggling with this one.
Next Time on Fifteen: Ashley finds out that Billy has a crush on her. Arseman finds out about the boys betting on her. Amanda finds out that Janice is transferring out of Hillside over NecklaceGate and the band finally finds a name. All this and Matt continues to stagger about the school like a dead-eyed zombie! Don't miss it!
Goodbye, Necklace. We will miss you.
