FIFTEEN: SEASON TWO, EPISODE NINE - BLACK VELVET, IF YOU PLEASE!

Last time on Fifteen: Ashley tried out for lead singer of Dylan's band and it was laughably bad. Brooke tried to give Stacy a tiny makeover, and did a much better job than she planned. David tried to bring up Matt's drinking problems and got screamed at for it. A LOT. Will this be the week when everybody just stops trying?

Avalon - Counter of Crummy Bandmates. Dylan, Chris and Billy are waiting for Jerry, the son of the owner of the Avalon. He's the one who books the bands, and the person they all need to impress. Considering this band hsa no lead singer and no talent, this is going to be a hard sell. Jerry shows up and Chris immediately tries to negotiate the percentages, but Jerry needs to hear them play before he books them. Chris and Billy are game, but Dylan stalls things until later in the week. Remember that whole thing about not having a lead singer yet, guys? Oh yeah! They better get on that, or they won't get the gig!

Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Courtney approaches Ashley and asks her to hang out after school. Ashley's like, "Maybe... unless I can think of anything else to do. I'll let you know." Then Courtney brings up how she almost went out with Matt when Ashley was away and things get hella awkward. OMG, are we still talking about this? It's over! But this time Ashley says it's her fault, because she thought she was over him, but then she realized she's not really ready to see him with someone else. (A polite reminder you don't get to decide how quickly he moves on, Ashley!) Courtney believes that Ashley still cares about Matt A LOT, and if that's the case, she HAS to tell him. Why? She shouldn't tell him anything of the sort. They were horrible together. She should maybe date Dylan, if she has to date somebody. But why date any of these losers? She should not start things up with Matt again. He's awful to her, and who needs that?

Possibly within earshot of the girls, Dylan and Billy are at another set of lockers. Dylan wants to have a female lead singer. Billy helpfully suggests Janet Jackson. Thanks, Billy. Janet is a solo act. Courtney wanders over and says she heard about the audition and wishes them luck. Heard about it from whom, I wonder? She never talks to Billy anymore. Whatever. Dylan is like, "So you don't think I'm a jackass anymore?" Then they say "jackass" over and over again in the rest of the scene. Where are the censors? How did this potty mouth talk get through? Dylan asks Courtney if she can sing, as if her joining the band wouldn't be a total fucking disaster for everyone. She says that she can't sing, but she does love Alannah Myles (Canadian!) and they should go after her. Black velvet, if you please!

Hillside - Girls Locker Room. We've jumped ahead some amount of the school day, because now Courtney is getting changed after gym, even though we just saw her in the hallway with the guys. How much time did we lose? Anyway, Janice is there and Courtney compliments her play during in-class volleyball. Janice explains she used to play on the team at her old school. Courtney thinks she's good. Janice takes this opening to ask Courtney to hang out. Courtney can't today, but maybe tomorrow? Janice can't believe Courtney's generosity! Neither can I! Is this the start of a beautiful friendship?

Hillside - Soda Machine. There's this little kid trying to fight with the machine. His name is John. I swear he's like 5 years old. Billy comes by and shows him where to hit the machine in order to get the can. John is appreciative, but then Billy gives this delusional speech out of nowhere about how great Dylan's band is and how great a drummer he is and it's clear he's completely lost his grip on reality. John's like "Wow, I never knew any of this was true!" Because it's not true, John. Billy likes to tell people about the world as he wishes it was, not as it is.

Billy leaves John to talk to Ashley, as Erin and Leah watch from a bench. Billy tells Ashley how he let Dylan and Chris have it for not picking her to be lead singer in the band. He thinks she was fantastic. Billy lies to himself as much as he does to everyone around him. Ashley laughs off his puppy dog stupidity. She touches Billy's arm as she gets up to go to her next class and Billy stares at his arm as if it now radiating some special power. Maybe in his messed up mind, that is what's happening. Erin and Leah laugh at how stupid the crush is making Billy. John snips that all girls are stupid and no one should have any interest in them. The show waits nine episodes into the season to introduce John and this is what they give him to do? Yeesh.

Avalon - Back Booth of Book Reports and Big Bothers. Billy finds Dylan who is working on a book report that's already past due. Dylan politely asks Billy to leave him alone until after school so Dylan can finish his work. Billy ignores him. He just keeps talking about his stupid crush and how he doesn't know how to tell a girl that he likes her. Dylan gets increasingly annoyed that Billy won't leave him alone and finally tells him to buy her something expensive before he storms off to work peacefully elsewhere. Dylan's frustration is completely lost on Billy, as he goes to work planning the perfect expensive gift. I can't wait for the day that all of Billy's fantasies come crashing down around him. That day is certainly coming!

Hillside - Losers Lounge. Courtney and Arseman discuss the sad state of affairs that is Dylan's search for a new lead singer. Arseman thinks Courtney should do it, which is only slightly less laughable that Ashley doing it. Arseman forces Courtney to sing something right then and there and Courtney picks "Michael, Row The Boat Ashore" which is TOO PERFECT for Courtney. She rightly gets embarrassed by it before she can get through an entire line. Courtney then challenges Arseman to sing and she sounds fine. She sings a song called, "Mama Says Be Glad," but I googled it and couldn't find any record of it, so I assume they wrote it just for the show. Everyone goes crazy about how great she sounded and Dylan runs over and asks her to be lead singer in his band. Man, it's all SO ridiculous. After a commercial break, Dylan and Courtney pressure Arseman into auditioning that afternoon. Arseman agrees, but she really doesn't seem to have it high on her priority list. Once she hears how bad they play, it's gonna drop even further down that list.

Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Dylan is telling Ashley how good Arseman was singing in the hallway and that's she's lead singer material. Ashley's like, "Better her than me!" She mentions Billy's lie about yelling at them for not picking her and they both laugh at his stupidity. Then they share a super awkward hug! It's hilarious. You know who's not laughing? Matt, who is spying on them from like three lockers down. These kids need better lessons on how to spy on friends and ex-lovers.They should offer it as an elective at Hillside!

THE MALL - Expensive Clothing Store. Billy is trying to buy something expensive for Ashley. He has almost no money. The girl at the register is as over Billy as I am. I assume he eventually settles on something from the clearance bin, but we never actually see what he selects.

Hillside - Losers Lounge. Courtney asks Arseman is she's nervous about the audition. Arseman is not. She is so much better than those jokers in the band. Janice comes over and tells Arseman she was great singing during lunch and she should break a leg at the audition. She is SUPER AWKWARD about it, but the girls are both much nicer to Janice than usual. Decent responses to unpopular people? What's going on here? Courtney follows Janice to a table and says she can't do lunch tomorrow (Janice is SO SAD!) but she can hang out after school today if Janice is available (Janice is SO HAPPY!), Janice agrees and begins to freak out with excitement before she catches herself and acts cool about it. Janice is learning! Hooray! 

Dylan's Garage Band. Chris is late for Arseman's audition. He doesn't apologize. They decide to sing "Mama Says Be Glad" again for her audition. The vocal is a little nervous at first, but it grows in confidence as it goes on. Billy and Dylan want to offer the job right there, but Chris makes her go wait outside so they can talk. It's a dumb move, because it's obvious they are going to hire her. When she comes back in and they tell her she's in, she does not jump at the offer. Instead she tells the boys it's their turn to audition for her. OH, SNAP! The tables have turned!

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Courtney tries to teach Janice how to play pinball. Janice is overwhelmed by it. Pull it together, Janice! It's just pinball. And then suddenly, Janice kinda falls apart out of nowhere. She starts babbling on about how she knows how people look at her and she knows she should stop talking, but she can't and then it all gets crazy! Courtney's like, "HEYYYY! It's all good calm down!" And then Janice collapses into Courtney's arms, sobbing. It's DRAMATIC, y'all.

Dylan's Garage Band. The guys finish their audition song for Arseman. They sound kinda crappy. Arseman does not look impressed. The guys look nervous. They want a quick yes from her, but she declares she needs 24 hours to think on it, and if she can't get 24 hours to think, she won't join the group. I love a girl who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it.

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Matt comes into the Avalon and Ashley goes over to talk to him. She lets him know that she has started mending her friendship with Courtney. She tries to apply the lessons she learned from that experience to her relationship with Matt, but Matt angrily jumps the gun, making accusations toward Ashley about her feelings for Dylan. Ashley is all, "How the fuck did we start talking about Dylan?" But Matt keeps yelling at her, claiming she's been stringing him along, in case things don't work with Dylan. Ashley realizes she doesn't have to put up with Matt's insanity anymore since they are not a couple. Matt's all. "I'll drink to that!" and Ashley counters, "Oh, you probably will!" BURN! Ashley has HAD IT, y'all. She is tired of being blamed for everything, She storms out and Matt stands there, looking miserable. Am I supposed to feel bad for him? I don't. He's officially the worst again. 

Wait, that's the whole episode? Where's Brooke?? How could we go a whole episode without her??

Next Time on Fifteen. Brooke, and Stacy are back in the mix (thank goodness!). Maybe Dave shows up again too? Arseman joins the band, but the whole thing might be over before it starts because of a stupid bet between Chris and Dylan about who can get a date with her first. Billy tries to give Ashley that goddam scarf he bought her. Courtney loses her grandmother's necklace, and all eyes turn to Janice as the jewel thief! Say it ain't so! (It ain't so.)

FIFTEE SEASON TWO, EPISODE EIGHT - THE DEVIL SUGGESTS PRADA

Last time on Fifteen: Billy pretended to be deer hunter for the girls, and the girls all laughed in his face. Courtney pretended that she didn't almost go out with Matt, and Ashley ended their friendship over it. Brooke pretended to be nice, until she remembered it's better to openly be a bitch to people. Who's gonna stop playing pretend, and start getting real, this week?

Avalon - Main Booth of Macho Men. Matt is sitting with David and a bunch of dudes from the basketball team. All the guys are going on and on about how awesome Matt is for scoring two free throws in the last game. TWO FREE THROWS! And they weren't even crucial to them winning the game! Is David paying these kids to pump up Matt's ego? They are literally chanting his name and pounding the table. It's absurd. Eventually the other dudes leave so Matt and Dave can talk. Dave tries to continue the Matt hero worship, but already its effects have worn off. Matt's unhappy, and he's back to complaining about Coach Williams and the lack of court time he's seeing. You know Matt's backsliding when he starts saying the Coach's name in italics. I think Matt has an EGO PROBLEM that's even bigger than his DRINKING PROBLEM. Dave insists that things are going back to the way they were, but Matt knows there's no going back, because Ashley is no longer around to take all of his insane shit. He can only dump his toxic thoughts onto Dave. What a loss for Matt!

Hillside - Bench Bonanza? I don't understand what this location is supposed to be. There are three extra benches set up in what is usually the Losers Lounge. Are we pretending this is an another part of the school? It's clearly the same area we always see. Anyway, Brooke is trying to help Stacy overcome the limitations of wearing a hideous outfit. It's hopeless. The shirt is a horror show. It looks like an 8-year-old's 4th of July themed pajama top. Brooke is trying to be encouraging and offers to help her with a makeover if Stacy will go to the mall with her during lunch today. Stacy says she has no money, but Brooke implores her to just use her dad's credit card, since this is obviously a true fashion emergency. Stacy is reluctant to use her dad's card for this purpose, but I'm sure she'll cave. 

Avalon - Counter of Copious Exposition. Dylan enters and sits next to Chris. They argue about the same shit they always argue about. They need to get the band together! Billy is still in the band! Dylan shouldn't have showed Chris up in front of Ashley! Chris shouldn't have stepped to Ashley! They finally call a truce. God, I wish they would just stop talking to each other altogether! Dylan believes he has a solution to that lead singer problem that nobody cares about. We'll find about it later, I guess? These two together are really killing me this season.

Hillside - Losers Lounge. Billy approaches Ashley and they shoot the shit. Billy tells her the band is doing some "New Kids' Stuff" (!!!) and some "metal." Because boy band pop and metal are so close to each other in terms of sound. Ashely doesn't really want to talk to Billy, but she's being polite. She does want to talk to Courtney though, and leaves to go find her. Billy takes this opportunity to go over to Amanda who's sitting not too far away and shoves it in her face that not everyone finds him hopelessly immature. Amanda's like, "Big deal. Ask her out if you're so awesome." Billy considers this. It's the stupidest thing ever, so it seems like a first rate idea to him.

Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Dylan approaches Ashley at her locker. They talk about her Loser Parents for a while, and then Matt shows up. TENSION!!! Ashley says she heard that the basketball team won their last game. Matt thought Ashley might show up, but no, she ain't got time for that. Matt wanders off, depressed. Dylan takes this moment to ask Ashley to audition for lead singer of the band. Ashley thinks it's ridiculous. I agree! She can't sing! Dylan doesn't care. He's in love with her and wants to spend as much time with her as possible. He doesn't say this, but it's obvious. He won't take no for an answer. So we're in for a treat before the end of the episode when we hear her sing with the band. It would be kind of hilarious if she only speaks in whispers, but then when she goes to sing she has this big booming voice. A Star is Born! I don't think we're headed in that direction, though.

THE MALL - Women's Department! A brand new location! More than additional benches in the Losers Lounge! How exciting! Brooke has picked out a stylish polka dot dress for Stacy. Stacy is still unsure about buying it on her dad's credit card. Brooke shames her in about 50 different ways until she finally buys it. Stacy is such a drag this episode. Brooke should be spending her time on on schemes of psychological destruction instead of pity makeovers!

Hillside - Losers Lounge. Ashley finds Courtney sitting at the same table she herself had just been sitting at with Billy. They have a slooooow and awkward conversation, apologizing to each other for the fight they had at the end of the last episode. They leave things better than where they started, but they still seem to have miles to go before they are BFF again. 

Avalon - Pinball Wizard Room. Matt is pretending to play pinball while Dave hangs on the side of the machine. Dave has the unfortunate task of telling Matt that Coach Williams is considering giving him more playing time, but is concerned about Matt's DRINKING PROBLEM being an issue again. Matt completely flips out. He yells at Dave like he's back in Season 1 yelling at Ashley. He does NOT have a DRINKING PROBLEM! It was just a couple beers on a Friday night with the guys and he hasn't had a drop in weeks! Dave is sorry he brought it up, but there's no turning back. Matt storms off. He is being a total dick about everything this week.

Hillside - Losers Lounge. Ashley is looking for her math textbook and comes across Billy. He finds it on the chair Courtney was sitting in when Ashley was talking to her earlier. So I guess Courtney was sitting on the book, hiding it from Ashley? Maybe their friendship is farther from being mended than I thought. Ashley tells Billy she's trying out for lead singer of the band. Billy thinks this is a great idea because he is SUDDENLY IN LOVE WITH HER. He starts acting really weird, so Ashley gets out of there, but that won't stop him from a FANTASY SEQUENCE where they are eating a fancy romantic dinner and he's a big success and she thinks he's so mature. Even Billy's fantasies are lame. He has NO shot with Ashley. Oh dear.

Hillside - Stairway to Nowhere. Brooke and Stacy enter, with Stacy now wearing her fancy dress. Stacy is uncomfortable with the new outfit, but Brooke insists it looks great. Suddenly, all the boys are surrounding Stacy. At long last, her milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard! Brooke's plan to be nice to Stacy has worked too well and she's pissed that Stacy is getting more attention than her. Amanda strolls by to taunt her about it. Brooke has to come up with a plan to destroy Stacy's newfound confidence FAST. and return her to her cheap ugly clothes. Hooray!

Dylan's Garage Band. Ashley sings the following, very poorly, "Don't know why you said goodbye and now that you're gone, I'm on my own." SHE STINKS! It's truly terrible. She knows it. She's embarrassed by her own suckitude. Ashley leaves so they can talk about it as a band. Billy thinks it was SO GREAT!  Chris is not going to put up with two shitty band mates though. One is the absolute limit, and he since he can't get rid of Billy (yet), Ashley can't join. He insists that Billy and Dylan acknowledge that her singing is lousy and it's not going to work out. Dylan seems bummed, but he knows it's true. 

Avalon - Main Booth of Manipulative Bitches. Brooke tries to apologize to Stacy for pushing her into getting the new outfit. Stacy has come around to the new look, thanks to all of the extra male attention she's gotten that afternoon. Brooke goes top-level underminer and tells Stacy that although no one has been mean enough to tell her, she looks fat in that outfit. Stacy can't believe what she's hearing, because she knows she is practically rail thin. Billy wanders by at this moment and stops to tell Stacy that she looks amazing. Stacy doesn't take this moment to completely call bullshit on Brooke, but she does plainly state that no one else seems to think she looks fat. Brooke realizes she's lost the battle, but remains committed to winning the war.

Dylan's Garage Band. Ashley comes back after Chris and Billy have left. Dylan tells Ashley she's not going to be the lead singer. Ashley thinks that's obvious, because she can't sing! They laugh about how stupid of an idea it was anyway. If so, why did we just spend an entire episode entertaining the notion she could be the lead singer? Ugh, this show!

Hillside - Boys Locker Room. Dave and Matt get changed. Matt apologizes to Dave for the way he acted earlier, but you can tell he's more sorry that Dave and Coach Williams decided to question his integrity. Dave swears it will never happen again. But I'm sure it will, in fact, happen again. Very soon. And as a result, there will be more yelling and assholery coming from our dear friend Matt. 

Dylan's Garage Band. Chris returns to make sure Dylan got rid of Ashley as lead singer. He did, but now they are right back where they started. Chris tells him to find an actual lead singer soon, because Jerry down at the Avalon is bringing in bands on the weekend. He wants to hear their band, and if he likes what he hears they are in. A paying gig! Dylan is stoked! A band with a crappy drummer and a non-existent lead singer sounds perfect for the Avalon! What could go wrong?

That's... the end of the episode? No Arseman. No Janice. No Erin and Leah. No "John" or "Roxanne" who have been listed as cast members in the end credits all season, but have yet to appear once. We're already heading into Episode 9 of a thirteen episode season. I guess we're infor a lot of plot twists in the season's third act!

Next Time on Fifteen! - Arseman emerges as the top contender to be lead singer in Dylan's band! Courtney might just be Janice's new best friend! John shows up as a character! Dylan and Ashley get closer to couplehood and Matt gets closer to drinking again!