FIFTEEN SEASON TWO, EPISODE TWO: THE KIDS ARE NOT ALL RIGHT

Last Time on Fifteen: Ashley headed off to private/reform school, and everyone had one less problem without her. Matt was missing his place of glory on the basketball team. Roughly one million new characters showed up, but they'd supposedly been there all along. Courtney flirted with the idea of wearing jeans instead of floor-length skirts. Also, Brooke was a total bitch. It's nice to know that amid all this change, some things remain constant.

Opening Credits Observations: Are Ashley and Arsemen playing one keyboard at the same time while singing into one microphone? Dylan's band has got problems.

Avalon – Main Booth for Mopers. Now for an opening scene that makes no sense! We immediately kick things off with a new round of “And You Are…?” The new girl is Matt’s sister, but we don’t learn her name despite several justifiable opportunities for Matt to say it just so we’d know it.  For the time being she'll be known as Sister. They sit across from each other looking sad. Sister doesn’t like Hillside. Grade school was better! Matt explains that she’ll get used to it eventually. Wait, did she just start there? Has there been a time jump? No, Dylan stops by to tell us Ashley left only three days ago. But they are well into the school year at this point, considering everything that happened in the first season was part of the same year. Sister also has no idea who Dylan. She should at least know him by way of his bad reputation. Why do you do this to me, show? Matt says Sister will be fine and asks if he’s ever lied to her. She says he hasn’t, which means we should expect Brooke to be around in no time to ask Sister about Matt's terrible drinking problem which she likely knows nothing about.

Hillside – Losers' Lounge. Speaking of Brooke, Janice creeps up on her as she struggles with math homework. This is not going to go well. Janice tries to introduce herself to Brooke and Brooke just hisses, “I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!” Janice seriously does not know how to read a room. Brooke is the absolute LAST person who would be nice to a New Kid in school. She positively thrilled at ridiculing Olaf last season before stealing his notes. Even though Janice practically begs Brooke to let her do the math homework for her, Brooke refuses to entertain the idea. She scoops up her books and stomps off. Janice looks ready to kill herself. Oh, jeez. Hold on for one more day, Janice.

Brooke sees Dylan by the stairs and approaches him for an apology. Dylan can’t imagine what he’d apologize for. Brooke isn’t over his “flush yourself down a toilet” line from last episode. Dylan has no fucks to give about Brooke. He lets her know that nobody buys her innocent act anymore. Brooke tries to act indignant but Dylan just breezes past her. We can see that it’s starting to sink in for Brooke that maybe – just maybe! – everyone on this show totally hates her. 

Avalon – Pinball Wizard Room. Courtney and Billy eat lunch together in the back booth. Courtney tries to see how things are going with Billy, since they now live with different parents thanks to DIVORCE. Courtney is usually too wrapped up in her own drama to give a shit about Billy, but she's feeling generous today. Billy says things are FINE, but then goes into much detail about how much their parents suck and how negligent his dad is. Courtney tries to trash talk their parents for mistreating Billy, but Billy is just like “HEY. I SAID EVERYTHING IS FINE.” Then Courtney just grabs her bag and leaves the table without saying another word to her desperately-in-need-of-comfort-brother. She always chooses the worst possible move!

Hillside – Losers' Lounge. Another round of “And Your Are…?” A short kid with shaggy black hair punches the soda machine. It’s Chris! Dylan suggests he simply go at the machine with a baseball bat, which Chris is fine with. They are old friends even though we’ve never seen them together before. He’s also in Dylan’s Garage Band. He’s also a total asshole. Dylan is doing homework and Chris disapproves. Dylan doesn’t want to fail math. Chris looks at his work and casually mentions he “forgot to carry the 2.”  Dylan fixes his mistake while Chris smirks. That exchange is almost enough for me to like Chris. Chris confirms that they are still rehearsing that afternoon and wanders off leaving Dylan to struggle with his equations. Since Brooke and Dylan both suck at math, they should become study buddies! I’d watch a show where they struggle over 3rd grade-level arithmetic for 30 minutes.

Chris wanders through the Locker Labyrinth and comes across Arseman, calling her “Sunshine.”  She’s all, “EXCUSE ME??” Chris is like, “Was that sexist?” (Is "Hey, Sunshine!" the Canadian equivalent of "Why don't you smile more?") Arseman is all, “Whatever, just try not be a total dick all the time.” And he’s like “Sorry… buttercup!” and runs off so pleased with himself.  Brooke spins around the corner and tells Aresmen she thinks Chris is bad news. Arseman gives her this death glare and is like, “I’m not so fucking stupid that I can’t figure that out.” Brooke shoots back, “You never know.” and strides off as the Goofy Transition Music plays. Does the show think Brooke zinged Arseman? She didn’t. Maybe they just thought they’d been overplaying the Ominous Transition Music so far this episode.

Hillside - Random Bench In the Hallway. Courtney (in jeans!) approaches Matt (also in jeans). It takes about 25 seconds for her to determine if it’s okay if she sits down with him. OMG, Courtney. SIT. DOWN. She apologizes for not telling him that Ashley was leaving. They go through the whole thing that happened last episode and it’s boring. Courtney asks Matt if he is alright and he insists he is. He’s even saved up enough money for "that new Rod Stewart tape! What more could a guy want?" A couple things, Matt. At least a couple things.

Avalon - Counter of Courtship. Amanda is sitting reading a book, and Billy is trying to awkwardly engage her in conversation. Brooke watches from the payphone. It’s clear Amanda her ZERO INTEREST in Billy, so eventually he goes away. Brooke comes by and tells Amanda she thinks it’s great she likes Billy, and she is going to spread the news all around the school. Amanda is ready to flip her shit at the very idea of it.

Hillside – Losers' Lounge. Everyone is hanging out over here in this episode! Matt and Sister sit as he peppers her with questions about her day at school. (Example - Matt: Did you learn anything? Sister: No.) Sister hates being at this new school and it’s lunch and all she has is an egg salad sandwich her stupid mother made her when her mom knows she hates egg salad! Can I just say that I thought it was lunch back when Courtney and Billy were eating at the Avalon a million scenes ago? How can it still be lunch? These kids never have class. That must be why Dylan and Brooke still can’t do simple math. Anyway, Matt decides to spend his Rod Stewart Tape Money on buying Sister a decent lunch at the Avalon. Matt’s (temporarily) the best!

Avalon – Pinball Wizard Room. Dylan and Billy talk about how awful Billy's parents are. But even if everything else falls apart, at least he has the band! I love how obvious the show makes it that there is no chance Billy won't get kicked out of the band. I honestly can’t remember now if it takes the entire season for Dylan to get to the point where he cuts him. We'll see! This show never misses a chance to drag something out. Billy also asks Dylan if Amanda ever mentions him in conversation. Dylan is like, “Why on Earth would I ever have a conversation with Amanda about anything?” Billy’s like, “Ok! Just wondering…” and wanders off to push his feelings deep down inside of him. Billy is a ticking time bomb.

Hillside – Locker Labyrinth. Courtney and Arseman discuss if Matt is truly doing better or just drinking again to kill the pain. Arseman suggests that Courtney spend more time with Matt as a friend since Jake is away right now in China. If Arseman was around in Season 1, she’d know that every single time Courtney spends any time with a boy, she immediately falls in love with him. So there is no way that’s not going to happen with Matt approximately 30 seconds from now.

Hillside – Boys Locker Room. No transition music! I need time to emotionally prepare for new locations! Another edition of “And You Are…?” It’s Dave! He’s the team manager of the basketball team and he WORSHIPS Matt. He runs into Matt getting changed and thinks this means he’s rejoining the team. Matt says he’s just running late after gym class. Dave tries to convince Matt that the team needs him back.  Matt is not going to talk to Coach Williams about it. Dave really won’t let it go, but Matt tells him to stop. No more words! No more words. It’s a time that is dead.

Hillside – Stairway to Nowhere. Another transition with no music! Janice calls out to Courtney. Courtney knows who she is! They have English together. Janice tries to bond by making fun of their English teacher, but Courtney likes him. I think he was the one who liked her horrible poetry last season. Janice realizes her error and tries to change course, but she swings too hard the other way. Janice is too desperate. Matt comes by and Courtney walks away from Janice. Matt is like “Who’s THAT?” because he REALLY hates new people, and Courtney fills him in that Janice is indeed new, and she probably means wel,l but is actually really irritating. Janice is only about two feet away from them, and Courtney knows that Janice hears this, but she makes no attempt to apologize for her rudeness. Janice walks away and Courtney sing-songs, “Oh well!’ Courtney and Matt are not good people. Courtney wants to go to the mall to buy the Rod Stewart tape, but Matt no longer has the money. You can read on Courtney’s face that she assumes he has somehow already spent it on booze, but doesn’t press the issue. Instead they go off to the mall together to window shop. Like lovers do!

Dylan’s Garage Band – Chris, Billy and Dylan play some old rock song badly. Afterwards, Billy thinks it was great and Chris thinks it was shit. Chris attacks Billy for not keeping the beat. Billy: I’M TRYING, OKAY?? Dylan tries to split the difference, saying none of them sounded that great. Through obvious tension, they agree to go through it again. Billy is not looking long for this band, though. It’s obvious Chris wants him gone.

Hillside – Losers' Lounge. Janice approaches Sister who is doing homework by herself. Janice talks about how hard it is getting along at a new school with no friends. You’d think Sister would jump at the chance to have a friend, given everything she’s said to Matt this episode. Instead, she ices Janice out. Apparently Sister doesn’t want to be friends with NEW people. She only wants to be friends with NOT new people. Janice, more at a loss than ever, gives up and walks away. The Ominous Transition Music returns!

Avalon – Back Booth of Backstabbing. Chris and Dylan brood as Chris makes his case for getting rid of Billy. He has no potential and they are never getting out of the garage with Billy in the band. Dylan knows he can’t take the band away from Billy right now and stands firm that it’s his band and Billy is his drummer. So it WILL take the whole season for Billy to get kicked out after all. Ugh!

Brooke’s Gigantor Bedroom. Brooke is still struggling over that same damn math problem she’s been working on all day. Dumb + Dumb = you. Amanda storms in and demands to know who Brooke told that lie about Billy being her boyfriend. Brooke can’t believe Amanda really thought she’d waste her day telling anyone about something so stupid. She has 18 hours of math homework ahead of her and can’t make sense of any of it. Amanda kindly offers to help, but Brooke can only take it as an insult that her baby sister would know more than her. Brooke is very rude about it and Amanda gets pissed. Brooke just wants one smart friend who can help her figure it out. Amanda thinks that sucks for Brooke, since Brooke has no friends on account of the horrible way she treats people. Brooke insists she has lots of friends. Amanda challenges her to come up with three names. Brooke thinks really hard about who's still on the show this season. Amanda then asks her for just one name. Brooke finally realizes she has no friends. Having proven her point, Amanda storms out of the room. Brooke picks up all her books and heaves them at her bedroom door. She falls back into her desk chair and starts to sob. Every episode should end with a dramatic Brooke scene. They are always the best.

Next time, on Fifteen! Brooke might finish her math homework. Sister might get a first name. Chris might kick Billy out of the band on his own. Matt might talk with Coach Williams about getting back on the basketball team. Courtney’s scandalous correspondence with Jake will DEFINITELY be exposed! Bring popcorn. 

FIFTEEN SEASON TWO, EPISODE ONE: NEW FACES, SAME PROBLEMS

Last time, on Fifteen: When we left things at the end of Season 1, Matt had drinking problems, Ashley had audibility problems, Dylan had attitude problems, Courtney had fashion problems, Billy had family problems, Brooke had 99 problems, and being a bitch was one. In the finale's closing seconds, Brooke vowed to get revenge on her sister Theresa and her best friend Kelly for teaming up to betray her. Apparently, she achieves this goal over the hiatus by getting them cut from the show. Kelly and Theresa were not the only students to be removed from the narrative. Anyone I didn't mention above that you might have liked (or at least remembered) from Season One isn't back for Season 2. I will miss Evil Kelly the most. She had it together. I like to think she is just sitting by herself on the other side of the school, having realized the rest of these fools were not worth her precious time.

Credits: New Intro – No character name placards this season, but we do get the same wondrous theme song! Highlights from the dramatic intro montage: Dylan gets in a shoving match with some boy we don’t know in the hallway at school. Courtney escorts a basket case Ashley to a table at the Avalon, while some girl we don’t know watches from a distance. Back at school, Billy grabs yet another kid we don’t know, turns him upside down and shakes coins out of him like a piggy bank. Then it's back to the Avalon where Brooke sits with two more girls we don’t know and tries to make one look pretty. The girl just sits there making a sad face. Brooke gives her this look like, “Well, I’m trying, but you see what I'm working with?!”

Elsewhere in the Avalon, Matt looks longingly at Ashley sitting at the counter, talking to the kid who was in the shoving match with Dylan earlier. Yet another boy we don’t know watches Matt watch Ashley. These kids are all stalking each other! A bunch of girls we don’t know sit at a table and talk shit about either the guy watching Dylan or the guy talking to Ashley. Sight lines here are unclear. Then Dylan’s band is playing in his garage, but yet another kid we don’t know is playing drums instead of Billy and – oh dear lord! Ashley is singing at a keyboard with one final girl we don’t know. I’m beginning to vaguely recall a plotline with the band trying to find a female lead singer and Ashley being involved. Okay, that's it for the Season 2 credit sequence. Time to start the show!

Ashley's Basement of Sorrowful Whispers and Mental Collapse - Courtney and Ashley sit around looking miserable and bored out of their minds. Girls, the season JUST STARTED. If you’re not engaged now, how much further can the energy slide by the time Episode 13 rolls around? Courtney (who is wearing jeans! No more hideous floor length dresses? What's going on?) thinks maybe she should go, since they are not really friends and having nothing to talk about. Ashley is all too pleased to send her on her way. On her way up the stairs, Courtney mentions getting a letter from Jake who is in China with his mom for 6 weeks. I had forgotten Jake never actually appears in Season 2, but is one of the few characters whose absence is explained and one of even a smaller group of characters who actually rejoin the show once they leave.

Having shown no interest in Jake when he was in town, Courtney now finds herself in something of a long distance romance! It’s certainly fun and safe to pretend you have a nice boyfriend when that boy is not around to remind you of the fact you don’t actually like him! Ashley tells Courtney to say hi for her when she writes Jake back. Courtney goes on the offensive, asking what else is she really supposed to say about Ashley when Jake still thinks that she's dating Matt and going to school? Ashley couldn’t care less. She hasn't been to school in a week and is never going back to Hillside! Courtney tells her she can’t drop out of high school just because she cheated on one stupid test. Ashley breathlessly says she’s not dropping out, she’s being sent away to private school. And the kicker is she WANTS to go! Courtney is FLOORED. Ashley doesn’t care. She lets Courtney show herself out and stares aimlessly around the basement. I like to think she's looking for where she left her script. The Ominous Transition Music plays. Season Two is starting off in a dark place, y’all.

Avalon – Side Table of Sorrowful Solitude. Recovering Alcoholic Matt mopes by himself when his former friends from the basketball team come in. Matt asks them about the latest game, which of course they won without his stupid ass. Having been kicked off the team, Matt's horrible attitude is no longer dragging them down, so they've won five straight! The basketball dudes don’t even try to hide that they're better off without him. They’re just like, “Yup! Later!” and Matt sits back down all alone as more Ominous Transition Music plays.

Hillside, Locker Labyrinth – Brooke enters sporting a new power lesbian haircut and a referee pattern shirt. Excellent! Some girl we don’t know yet calls after her.  And now I'd like to introduce you to a new segment in Fifteen Recaps called "And You Are...?" dedicated to the numerous previously unseen but suddenly integral characters that will unceremoniously pop up on this show from here on out. What I have been able to gather over the years about what happened behind the scenes is this: After Season 1, production shifted from Vancouver to Ottawa which necessitated new casting and storyline changes (production jumped again for Seasons 3 and 4 to Nickelodeon Studios in Orlando, and the cast shake ups happened again). The writers took this opportunity to reboot an otherwise intensely serialized show, with almost no attempt to explain what had happened or why people suddenly disappeared. So here’s our first guest on “And You Are…?” Brooke’s sister, Amanda.  Amanda is a new sister. But she’s been here the whole time! Their previously-known-to-us sister Theresa, having successfully set the trap that got Brooke in trouble for plagiarism, has left Hillside (everyone's moving on mid-term? mid-week?). Brooke now hates Amanda because Amanda told their father about Brooke’s many school-related crimes. Amanda tries to reconcile, but Brooke is in no mood to forgive little sis #2, suggesting Amanda go get run over by a school bus. There were never such devoted sisters!

Avalon – Pinball Wizard Room. Close up on Matt’s right hand - he is wearing a thick gold ring on his middle finger. Was that ever a fashion thing? Billy comes in and “accidentally” slams into him so that he loses the game. It has to be intentional, though I don’t know why he does this. Billy asks about Ashley. Matt says they broke up. Eventually Billy kinda wanders away. Nothing happens here. Why did this scene exist? Why would Billy care about Matt or Ashley anyway? Oh, God. This show! Never change! (It never will.)

Hillside – Student Lounge. Dylan tries to talk to Courtney and she is obnoxious to him. He just wants to gossip about what’s happening with Ashley. The reason Courtney doesn’t blab everything to him immediately has nothing to do with loyalty or discretion. It's entirely because she wants to feel superior by shutting him out. She blows him off and walks to the end of another table to meet our second contestant on “And You Are…?” It’s Arseman! She’s been here the whole time! If you don’t remember her, that’s your own fault! Get your brain checked! Arseman notes that Courtney just can’t not be bitchy to Dylan. It must be noted that Courtney is back to wearing a horrible vertical striped full length dress to school. Where did the jeans go? Sigh. Courtney says getting involved with Dylan was the worst mistake she ever made. Courtney, you were NEVER involved with Dylan. You were obsessed with him and he kissed you one time to literally stop you from talking at him. Then you freaked out when one kiss didn't mean he wanted to be with you forever and ever. Somehow, Courtney sees herself as the victim here. She's insane. Courtney and Arseman gossip about Ashley by discussing everything you already saw in the first scene.

Courtney and Arseman talk about staging an intervention for Ashley at the Avalon later that night. Of course, Courtney blabs the whole plan loud enough so that Brooke can overhear them when she walks by. Brooke, of course, is intrigued! Courtney and Arseman don’t even bother to hide rolling their eyes, as they’re both like, “FUCKING. HELL.” They both tell Brooke to just leave it alone and not to tell anyone about it. Brooke says she won’t, but she totally will.

Ashley's Basement of Sorrowful Whispers and Mental Collapse. Courtney goes to see Ashley during lunch. Ashley is packing her stuff as Courtney tries and fails one more time to get her to see reason. Ashley finally agrees to at least go to the Avalon with Courtney for “goodbye pizza” (the air quotes are mine, but I'm surprised they're not hers) so the Intervention Plan has been hatched! I'm sure it will all go as planned and not be a raging disaster.

Avalon – Main Booth of Misery. Matt sits alone doing his work, drinking a (rum and?) coke. Brooke comes over to ruin his day and go through a lot of exposition. Littler sister Theresa is at art school, Matt got kicked off the basketball team for drinking and having a bad attitude, and then his toxic relationship with Ashley fell apart. Now, Ashley’s leaving for private school, and- Wait... did Matt just miss something here? He didn't know about Ashley leaving until Brooke just told him?? Oops! Matt freaks out and runs off at this news. With the main booth all to herself now, Brooke orders lunch. Being a total bitch can work up an appetite! The waitress shoves a menu toward her, seething with contempt. Everyone hates Brooke.

Avalon – Corner Booth of Crumbling Dreams. Billy is playing drums on the table and Dylan comes over and they have this conversation about rehearsing later that goes on for like 2 whole minutes and tells us nothing except that Billy is REALLY into making the band good, Dylan thinks Billy’s getting ahead of himself, and I await the inevitable moment when Billy is kicked out of the band and loses his entire mind.

Hillside, Stairway to Exposition - Arseman and Courtney have the exact same conversation they had before about staging an intervention for Ashley – just in case you tuned in late and missed it the first time. But this time, Matt runs over to them and wants confirmation that Ashley really is leaving like Brooke told him. Courtney’s basically like, “Yeah, I was gonna tell you just as soon as she was already gone.”  Will Ashley's ex-boyfriend awkwardly show up at her intervention?? (He will.)

Three feet away, (but it might as well be happening in a totally different universe) we meet our third contestant in, “And You Are…?” This one we’re not supposed to know, though! Her name is Janice, she is new and everyone will hate and shun her because she is new. Not only is she new, but she’s also not white, so Hillside’s well-documented knee-jerk xenophobia is about to rear its ugly head in a major way. Janice desperately tries to introduce herself to an uninterested Dylan before Billy marches in between them and pulls Dylan away. Then they say not nice things about Janice while she’s RIGHT THERE until she cringes and leaves. These kids are THE WORST. Billy fills in Dylan about Ashley’s intervention.

The Avalon – Intervention Central.  Courtney and Ashley sit at the main booth eating the saddest two slices of pizza you ever saw. They're topped with deli-sliced salami, a topping I’ve NEVER seen on pizza in my life. Is that a Canadian thing? Ashley is weirded out because she’s afraid they will run into people from school. Courtney’s all, “YEAH… about that…” when Arseman walks in. Ashley whispers, “HOW DARE YOU???” as loud as a person can whisper. Arseman shuts her down pretty fast, though. Her friends just want to say goodbye, which any sane person would understand. Instead of dramatically running from the room, Ashley agrees to speak to them. Dylan and Billy awkwardly shuffle over. Dylan tells her it’s crazy to think anyone would care that she cheated on the test. Billy says nothing. They retreat to order drinks from the counter. Matt comes in. THE TENSION!! He mumbles,“Hi...” and goes to play pinball.

Brooke saunters in and starts twisting the knife into Ashley in amazing fashion. She tells Ashley it’s so sad that she’s being sent to “reform school” (“Private school!” Arseman adorably interjects) and how cheating really isn’t as bad as murder, and how Ashley only did it because she’s inadequate. What’s lost on all of these people is that Brooke is the biggest cheater and liar at school! I don’t understand why no one throws it in her face. The show remembers it as a plot point - Brooke’s downfall was buying the geography paper written with Olaf’s stolen notes and getting caught - but the other kids never compare what Brooke did to what Ashley did in order to shut Brooke up. This makes NO sense! Finally, Dylan comes over and tells Brooke to find a toilet and flush herself down (implication: Brooke is a total shit. Nice job getting around the sensors there, Fifteen!) Brooke retreats, humiliated. Ashley goes over to talk to Matt.

Pinball Wizard Room.  Matt and Ashley have an awkward goodbye conversation. Both of their lives have been destroyed. Is there any hope for them in the future? No. They agree that the future is only filled with more sorrow and everything is ruined. The End!

Next Time on Fifteen! Everyone moves on from Ashley being the center of everything! Or do they? We meet a whole new slate of contestants of America's Favorite Game Show, “And You Are…?” with Erin, Chris and David! Janice faces unending ridicule from everybody! Courtney wears jeans again! Brooke finally realizes she has ZERO FRIENDS! It’ll all be PRETTY HEAVY!

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