In continued observance of how I breeze through Am.Idol by fast-forwarding on my DVR, here are my (somewhat) brief comments on Tuesday's Top 9 performances, followed by the even more briefly visited Wednesday Results Show. This week we are going to try not to disgrace the Lennon/McCartney Songbook. Going in, I really wanted to hear someone sing Across The Universe. I also really did not want to hear Imagine, so I figured that meant Tim would sing it. I kind of wanted to to hear Siobahn or Katie sing If I Fell, so I figured that meant Mike would sing it. These people have proven to be horrible with song selection, so I had no faith in their choices going in. Let's see what happened, shall we?
1) Aaron Kelly - The others call him Yoda (this turns out to be the most interesting fact we learn about any of the contestants, btw). He's singing Long and Winding Road. His voice is not good. Oh, it goes from bad to worse vocally. He's so pitchy this week! Where is his voice? He played the tonsillitis card last week! It's just a mess. All the judges tell him it's not good enough. One guy in the audience totally jumps all over Simon's comments for no reason and all the judges are like "..the HELL?" and these are people who are routinely boo'ed. Seacrest has something to say to Aaron, but I'm still not over Seacrest's bullshit from last week so I skip it.
2) Katie Stevens - she's everybody's annoying little sister and she can do the single ladies dance! Thanks for the insight fellow contestants! She's singing Let It Be, which I think is a mistake going in, but apparently it's the only Beatles song she knows. Doesn't she play Beatles Rockband? Seriously, the younger contestants have no excuse. The Beatles are everywhere. It's technically a better vocal that Aaron's but it's totally lame nonetheless. I'm sorry. And I'm not gonna even get into the weird pink dress she's wearing. Randy calls it hot, but he's wrong. Ellen says there's no way she's bottom 3 this week, but I beg to differ! Who's been voting for her the past two weeks? Simon thinks she got it right, but again I just think not. Kara starts riffing. Oh, I'm moving on.
3) Andrew - He is goofy. all the idols think he has TONS of personality. He's singing Can't Buy Me Love. It's so weird. I don't know about Andrew. I sorta don't mind the verses but the choruses are MAD corny. It's such a fluff song. Meh. Ellen loved it. Honestly, Ellen? Kara doesn't love it. Good. Simon says irrelevant. I agree. Seacrest jumps in for the save but... zip zap zop!
4) Big Mike - Mike's a big teddy bear. So basically, there's nothing else to him from what you've seen. He's singing Eleanor Rigby?? His family used to sing it on the road? Oh, jeez. Okay. Let me prepare. Much like with Andrew, I don't know about Big Mike. I just can't get into him. Any week. AT ALL. This song's a departure for him, which I... appreciate? I just have no use for him. It makes me kinda sad, because I think he's got talent. I'm just personally not at all interested. The judges think it's commercial and relevant, but I don't. I think Eleanor Rigby is a scary song, that he made even more scary than usual.
5) Crystal Bowersox - is fifth? We're not burying Tim in the middle? Are we making Tim follow Crystal to further show his lack of substance? Hmm. Who's gonna get the pimp spot then? The other contestants say Mamasox is amazing and authentic and loving. Crystal is singing Come Together. Really? I wanted something deeper from the Lennon/McCartney Songbook from her. Maybe she'll really rock it out. Oh, of course she does! It's fun and sexy and playful and joyous. She's doing all sorts of great and unpredictable things with the melody and sounds great! The judges all love it and rightly so. They bring out Ernie who was playing the didgeridoo to bask in the applause. Guess who's up next? Tim! They are trying to sabotage him after all!
6) Tim Urban - All the others can say is that he smiles. That's all there is, people. He's singing All My Loving. The first note is bad. His hair is... flat-ironed? OH. So he looks like a Beatle! Sort of! There's nothing to write home about here. It's the least peppy while still being uptempo performance you've ever seen. Harmonies would've helped his vocal here. Did the back-up singers refuse to sing for him? Were they not allowed to? I wonder... Randy calls it a good "Tim performance" whatever the eff that means. The other judges are nice to him this week. Tim looks genuinely relieved. Seacrest comes out and zip zap zop!
7) Casey James - He has a laugh as big as his hair. He's singing Jealous Guy, which I don't think most of the listening public will immediately recognize. I like the vocal a lot, but he looks like he just crawled out of a dumpster. Seriously, he just looks dirty. Like Constantine-Level dirty. I'm glad he did a harder vocal, and there's emotion behind it for once. He still seems stiff to me. The judges appreciate his effort. Simon in particular is impressed. We zip zap zop before Seacrest can try to persuade Casey to rip his heart out in front of America and let us know who he was just singing about.
8) Siobahn Magnus - The others think she is crazy. Good crazy. Not bad crazy. She is giving the Scream os Siobahn a rest this week, and will be singing Across the Universe! Yay! I wanted someone to sing this! Except she is singing it the way I wanted her to sing "If I Fell." It's ethereal, but it might be too sleepy and soft. Also? This week, Allison Reynolds is wearing her future bridal gown with her groom's vest on top of it. It's so crazy. Randy calls the performance sleepy (just like i did!) but thinks she's the biggest artist there, which I think is a slap in the face to Bowersox. Ellen thinks she is special. I actually think Siobahn might be in danger this week. The same jack-hole that interrupted Simon earlier interrupts him again and - are they putting him on camera? I will not indulge this! Zip Zap Zop.
9) Lee Dewyze - The others think Lee is a nervous worry wart. Stop the presses. Really? Also he's in a bromance with Andrew. He's singing Hey Jude, which makes me excited until he starts singing and it's just like a half-step too high for him to be really comfortable. Which means he'll be scared the whole time. He does not do the scream at the end of the escalating "better" Then the biggest WTF Moment ever happens when this dude comes out of the backlight at the top of the giant Staircase to Nowhere... and it's a bagpipe player! What's going on??? It makes NO sense. The bagpipe dude is two feet taller than Lee and they stand next to each other and Lee looks terrified. Oh this is just so weird. I can't. I CAN'T. Moving on.
Oh, wait. There is no more. Overall it wasn't as bad as previous weeks. I got what I ased for: no Imagine. As for Bottom 3? Hmm... so many of them were equally weird. I'm gonna guess Bottom 3 is Aaron, Katie and Andrew. But I dunno. Tim's never not been bottom 3... Lee was such a total mess. And Siobahn was so quiet. And Big Mike was weirded than ever singing about all the lonely people. I just don't know. This one will be weird. Overall it was better than previous weeks, but kinda all over the place nonetheless. Might not be a straightforward dismissal this time!
Results show. Montage of last night. Already recapped! Seacrest talks to the judges. I'm not listening. There is a group sing of Beatles tunes. How unfortunate. When it ends the studio audience loses their effing minds, like it's the greatest thing they've ever witnessed. These people have no taste. Here's the Ford commercial before the actual commercials. I'm bypassing. zip zap zop.
We return, and it takes about 5 minutes for Ryan to drag out telling the three remaining girls they are all safe. We go to ANOTHER commercial break, and when we're back, this dude I don't know named Jason-Something who Kara signed (signed? Kara has a label?) comes out to sing a song. His performance is WAY over-dramatic, and vocally overworked. Everything the judges call the contestants out on is embodied in the guy Kara signed. It figures. I zip through. Oh, but then there's Archie! I zip back to see what he's singing. Imagine! That's why none of these kids could sing it last night. Fair enough, Show. But I've heard it before. Zap Zop.
The guys are split into two groups and after what seems like 15 minutes of dragging it out, Ryan announces that Aaron, Big Mike and Andrew are all in the bottom 3. And then Aaron is safe. The audience is disgusted. I'm so over them. Rhianna is up next. She's singing Rockstar 101. She's certainly a rock star and sexy as all hell, but this song's kinda repetitive. Zip Zap Zop.
Final 2! Andrew is safe! Big Mike sings This Woman's Work for the save. His wife is bawling, and the audience is gonna riot if the judges let him go. I still think with so many weeks to go, they shouldn't use the save yet. But they do! They give it to him! The judges are so pleased with themselves. Ryan is in tears. My DVR gives up. I know, DVR, I know. We were so close to getting rid of him. But next week 2 will go. Won't that be delicious? And Adam Lambert will be the guest judge with a surprise theme! Gay songs? Please let it be gay songs. Or Musicals! Wait, I already said gay songs... Until then, friends!