In continued observance of how I breeze through Am.Idol by fast-forwarding on my DVR, here are my (somewhat) brief comments on Tuesday's Top 9 performances, followed by the even more briefly visited Wednesday Results Show. The performance night portion is gonna be even shorter than usual. since I'm not in a super mood. My expectations got the better of me at American Idiot on Broadway before I watched this, and then I came home to find out that my DVR did NOT tape Lost! Instead it taped Biggest Loser even thought it KNOWS Lost is the priority. Somehow the reintroduction of Glee to the equation and the networks total inability to run things at a normal, "on the hour/half hour" schedule made it freak out. So now I have to wait to find out why Everybody Loves Hugo until tomorrow morning when it's available via streaming on the Internet. Sigh...
Anyhow it's Elvis Week. Effing Elvis week! Don't worry, O! This won't sound like karaoke nonsense at all! Adam Lambert is back as the first ever Idol contestant mentor and I think he's a good choice even though he didn't win last season. I think that almost makes him a better mentor choice because of it, because 8 of the remaining 9 contestants aren't gonna win so they might as well get some helpful hints from someone who's lost and been successful. Plus he has hair like Elvis. Let's see what happened, shall we?
1) Bowersox. They put Bowersox first? Wow, they really want me to skip through the next 80 minutes of show, huh? I guess they think people will stay tuned til the end so they do not miss the start of Glee at the random-ass time of 9:28pm! Crystal has a nice meeting with Adam and then she sings "Saved." It's her usual brand of awesome. The judges have nothing to really say and Simon basically thanks her for being authentic and let's us all know that it's a long fast slide to Karaoke Hell from here on out tonight. Thanks for the warning! As I reach for my remote, I see Andrew is up next and i think he puts his finger up his nose on camera but I'm not going back to check on him. Zip zap zop.
3) Tim - Adam likes Tim because he's SO pretty to look at. Tim vows to show people he knows what the words mean in a love song. Fools Rush In, bitches. Let's hear it. It's not bad. His hair looks longer than last week! How does he do it? He actually sounds really good. He manages not to smile inappropriately the whole time! He goes to center stage once he's done and he SMILES and the tweens have lost their minds across America. It's gonna be a Tim-vs.-Bowersox finale, America! The judges cannot deny that he finally used his powers for good and had a solid performance for his efforts. Seacrest mentions Michael Sarver for reasons unknown. zip zap zop.
5) Aaron - is 2 feet shorter than Lambert. He is singing Blue Suede Shoes. NOOOOO! Oh dear. Aaron seems to know this is destined for failure... it's just... it's not a bad vocal I guess, but he seems SO much like he's in Junior High School right now. The judges are a bit weird about it. I am indifferent. Aaron says he was uncomfortable singing about liquor, but whatever Aaron. MADD's not gonna come after you for that (i don't think.)
7) Big Mike - Singin' "in the ghetto." He sounds good. He'll probably be safe this week. It's very much a classic Big Mike performance. Which means it doesn't do anything for me. Zip Zap Zop.
9) Casey is singing "Down In Misery." He still seems really stiff to me, but vocally he's giving a lot more than he was a couple weeks ago. He should've been able to set himself apart form the others more during Elvis week, I think. They gave him the pimp spot and everything! The judges and Ryan start freaking out because GLEE IS ABOUT TO START!! So they barely take more than a second to tell him his performance was a wasted opportunity before they throw it to the recap of the numbers. He frowns.
Results Show: They show us clips from last nights performances through Spectre-vision. They really like everyone to look like ghosts of there former selves in the results intro. The DVR zips along so sprightly as we catch a glimpse of what looks like Ryan speaking to us from the balconies of the Galactic Senate Chamber. Then it's the opening credits! Then Ryan talks for what seems like a really long time even on fast forward. Then we see the judges! Then it's the group sing! I put it to normal speed briefly just so I can confirm the Elvis medley is truly bad and I'm just in time to be treated to Tim Urban lip-syncing to a low note on "teddy bear." Then we see the girls sing. Jeez, what are we gonna do when it's just Crystal singing all the girl parts by herself? You know that's our not too distant future. Then the group song ends and we head to commercials and see Kris Allen blink by us and that makes us smile because he's a cool dude. Then we come back to the show for another commercial about the Ford Fusion. Then we're finally ready to get rid of someone. One of the first people getting the boot tonight is either Aaron, Casey or Andrew. Aaron looks really nervous but if I was grouped with Andrew and knew it was only one of the three of us who was in the bottom, I'd be feeling pretty secure right now. And you know what? It is Andrew. I don't listen to how he takes the news or how he sings his final song. I check the clock and we're only 16 minutes in! Damn, they really dispatched him quickly! we have 43 minutes of show before they announce the other bootee. Zip zap zop.
Things continue to whiz by at lightning speed. I think there is a field report for Idol Gives Back. I think the girl is... Kat McPhee? And she's in... Africa? I know Kris Allen went to Haiti, and I don't think this is where we are now, but we're on triple speed so maybe it's Clay Aiken in Chile. Moving forward! Brooke White is here to sing with a guy who lives in a house on the Internet. I like Brooke White, so I listen. It's okay. Their eyes are locked on each other 85% of the song. Maybe they are in love? Is that why they are singing at each other like this? Ryan assures us afterward that they are not involved. They were both just nervous? I feel cheated! FINALLY Ryan drags the remaining contestants out to center stage. They all look sick with fear, except maybe Big Mike who is ready to HULK OUT if he's kicked off this show two weeks in a row by the voting public. Crystal is safe. Siobahn is safe. Ryan walks Lee over to the couches to sit down before he tells him he's safe. Perhaps he was afraid Lee would pass out from the news he was moving forward in the competition? I dunno. That leaves Tim, Big Mike and Katie. Tim is of course safe. And that leaves Lucky Loser Big Mike and Bottom 3 Lifer Katie to sweat it out during the commercials and an Adam Lambert Performance! The stage is consumed with lasers and smoke and images of clouds and Adam's voice thundering out at us like he's the Great and Powerful Oz. It's DRAMATIC! The staging instantly reminds me of the clip of Kids Incorporated doing the Never-Ending Story Theme, just with a bigger budget and a bigger voice. That's like my favorite clip ever of anything. Lambert wails "what do you want from me?" And my response is "A Big Mike dismissal!" But I don't really think that's what's gonna happen. Lambert finishes, we head to commercials, and then upon our return we find out that Big Mike was never really at risk and Katie gets the axe. Man, after you get what you want, you don't want it. I've been ready to get rid of her for weeks and then as soon as I set my sights on a Big Mike dismissal, she finally falls to the bottom. And if the judges had not saved Big Mike this week, she would've likely still been in the competition next week. Too bad girl. Good luck finding out if you're pop-country or pop-r&B on your own time. (I was harsh to you, but you seem like a sweet young girl. Best of luck, really!)
Next Week, Idol will give back to us as we give to many worthy causes. There will be so many inspirational songs! My money is on Big Mike singing The Greatest Love Of All! And someone has to go home because the judges don't have their save to use, like I bet they were originally planning to before last week. Sometimes that's how it goes, producers! You can't control everything!