Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Idol Top 10: Ushering In The Apocalypse

(Sending out an SOS - The "Scream Of Siobahn" tries to save Didi from an elimination-worthy performance, but to no avail. What becomes of the broken artist? Didi's about to find out.)

In continued observance of how I breeze through Am.Idol by fast-forwarding on my DVR, here are my brief (although, I'll admit, they've been getting longer) comments on Tuesday's Top 10 performances, followed by the even more briefly visited Results Show (this continues to be a very short visit). Usher is the Mentor this week. I thought he was fine. Much like Miley, he's trying to get these kids to PERFORM better, as if everyone has kinda given up on them sounding better. Let's see what happened, shall we?

1) Siobhan Magnus - Am.Idol's Allison Reynolds finally gets her Breakfast Club makeover, with Usher standing in for the part of Molly Ringwald. She's nervous as hell meeting him. For the live performance, she's singing "Through The Fire" which is appropriate since she totally crashed and burned and then tried to claw her way out of this one. She doesn't sound good from the beginning and then her panic level just rises throughout. She tries to find herself in the trademark shout, but even that kind of doesn't show up for her this. The judges mostly pan the performance until Simon really rips it apart. Then we spend another 5 minutes talking to her on stage, but I zip zap zop right past it, because it's over. Everyone oughta just let it go. When we come back, we bizarrely follow Siobhan backstage where she might be planning to kill herself in front of the vegetable platters set up on folding tables in the corner (what a crappy holding room they have back there!). Luckily Big Mike is on hand with a bear hug that keeps her out of reach of the plastic utensils.

2) Casey James - Casey is singing... wait, it just finished and I totally forgot. I'm not kidding. I have no idea what he sang. I'll go back and check later. Ellen and Kara rightfully tell him that he keeps singing in the middle of his range and that he's really stiff (maybe I added that part). Simon thought it was his best performance. Okay then. He also gets an exit interview at the end, so I guess that's a thing now. But I'm not listening. (p.s. he sang Hold On.)

3) Big Mike - He sings I Am Ready For Love. It's very pleasant and well-sung even if this is not the happiest song on the planet. It's pretty restrained for Big Mike. I just don't know if there's anything he can sing that would make me an actual fan of his at this point. But it was a totally nice performance, the judges dug it, and it looks like he is happy during his post-performance interview but I zip on past that nonsense.

4) Didi Benami - She is singing What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted? It's the weirdest thing ever! It's all over the place. It's WAY dramatic. Siobhan's scream finally makes its way on stage 3 performers too late and possesses Didi for the last few measures of her song for reasons unknown. The judges are all "i don't even know who you ARE anymore!" as if she just told them she was the loneliest vampire slayer in Sunnydale. Then EFFING SEACREST tries to rip some untold secret out of Didi so that's she'll cry on stage and Didi debates for half a second to go there with him and then steadfastly takes the highroad, which I immediately respect her for doing. Seacrest tries again and again until finally the judges are like "Fuck, dude. It's over. You lost. Just give us her damn numbers already." Reluctantly, Seacrest does, and then he and Didi hug. But Didi's smile is made out of steel and you know she's gonna cut that bitch after the show for taunting her on stage. Seacrest mentions Tim is gonna sing Anita Baker after the break and my DVR is like "WTF! don't put me through this!" Sorry, old friend. Truly, I'm sorry.

5) Tim Urban - Tim and Seacrest talk for a while. Who cares? Not me. (although I'm told Seacrest mentions his nickname of Teflon Tim at this point and Tim smiles through it as broadly as ever.) In the clip package, Tim meets with Usher, he sings "Sweet Love" and Usher calls him fake. He asks Tim if he's ever been in love and Tim lies and says he has, but I don't think he has been. I don't fault him this! Except he keeps having to sing "I'm in looove!" and it seems not so. Usher is all, "sing as if I'm the girl you're in love with," and Tim can't handle it. Usher has boy parts and Tim has boy parts - how can he pretend otherwise for the sake of the mentoring process? When we get to the actual performance, it sounds... better than usual? I don't know. Randy sings it better in his critique than Tim did in performance. Ellen takes her critique time of Tim to officially break up with him. Kara's can't do better than WTF? And Simon finds discussing him irrelevant to anything. If that's not bad enough for you, Andrew is up next.

6) Andrew Garcia - We are half way through and 4 performances have been total train wrecks. Andrew is singing Forever by Chris Brown. It's acoustic and it's not bad! Suddenly he can sing on pitch! It really was much better than anything he's done prior. The judges all say nice things to him, Simon says something about personality and how he's gonna get cut before dead weight Tim Urban if he doesn't find a personality and then Seacrest drags Andrew's mother into it - literally. I thin Ryan has turned to Crystal Meth to cope with this season. He is way out there tonight. It's like he's got all these great schemes to fix things, but none of them make any sense in reality. He's become Serena van der Woodsen.

7) Katie Stevens - She will be subjecting us to Chain of Fools. It's pitchy for days. I just think this stage is too big for her. She can't rise to it yet. She needs more years under her belt, I think. I'm bored. Zip Zap Zop. Randy thinks it's one of the best vocals of the night... by default? Because 4 of 7 people bombed? Ugh... I'm done with her. The judges are all in disagreement on where she should head. I say out the door. Sorry, Stevens!

8) Lee Dewyze - Looks so scared at all times! He sounds fine with Usher. He seems to know he needs to stop holding himself back. So stop holding yourself back then! He's singing "Treat Her like a Lady" He sounds good, still looks scared as hell. Get confident, stupid! It's going on too long Zip Zap Zop. The judges love it. Ellen says the night has finally started. With the 8th performer, Ellen? REALLY? the judges heap praise on him, hoping he can take it and suddenly become another interesting contestant on the show.

9) BOWERSOX! - She's on the piano! Usher loves her! Rightly so. She's basically using this opportunity to do everything she doesn't normally do to prove she can do it, if she CHOSE to do so. That being accomplished, she will probably never choose to do it on this show ever again. There's no guitar. There are high heels. There's no area rug. There is smiling at the audience. I think it's a smart move for her strategically. 3 of the judges totally eat it up and Simon begs her not to change who she is. She looks at him like, "Stay cool, my baby. Mama Sox is here to stay!" Simon just can't suffer the rest of the season without her. Seacrest gets even more nonsensical while talking to her. I hope he gets through the last contestant without foaming from the mouth.

10) Aaron Kelly - in the pimp spot, he's singing Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone. Usher gives him good advice, which he kinda takes in rehearsal, but then abandons in actual performance. It's just kinda flat. Randy's like eh. Ellen lies and says she really liked it. Kara is a little more honest and says she kinda liked it. Simon thinks it didn't really compare to other versions of the song on this show which is true. He was neither worst nor best.

Bottom 3 prediction? Siobahn, Didi and Tim. Maybe Katie Stevens. Siobahn could be in real danger.

Results show. Oh, this is gonna be quick. We zip through the beginning which seems to be a cross-promo for Clash of the Titans, but I'm not stopping to find out. There is no group sing this week. I hope that becomes a trend. They might have filmed a Ford commercial. It's hard to tell if it's Kris Allen or not when the images fly by at triple speed. Then we're on stage and Ruben Studdard performs. He looks very good (he's now a vegan!) and sounds nice, but if there was ever a visual reminder why it's not worth giving the title to Big Mike, they literally bring both of them out on stage together so you can be reminded that the smooth r&b crooners don't really survive outside this show. Ruben's going on tour with Clay this summer because it's apparently we've been transported back to 2003. Look, Ruuuben's not my favorite Idol winner, but he seems like a good enough dude. I don't mean to snark on him too bad.

There are two other performances tonight. One is Usher who manages to be both Fosse and MJ in a performance of a song that curiously seems to be spoke-sung. Then later on Diddy is premiering a new single? I don't know. There are too many non-Idol performances going on. Why does Fox insist on making this show last an hour?

Real final 3 were Katie, Didi and Tim. Katie got sent back to safety first and then Tim was also safe. Didi sang for her life, but the show ran way over and my DVR gave up. Why do you need to cram the show with so many performances and time-wasters just to have it go over at the only part that matters? I can tell you Didi didn't get saved. I know, I know, you're all very shocked. Still, I will miss Didi. I liked the tone of her voice and her general craziness and she was pretty. There are now 6 guys left and only 3girls and one of those girls is Katie who could easily be cut next week. It's really Bowersox against the boys for the win. Wowzers.

Next week we butcher the Lennon-McCartney songbook. What should Tim destroy? Blackbird? Eleanor Rigby? Please no, Imagine. I think it'd be most amazing if he just sang Help.

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