Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Sanford to Jacko Fans Nationwide: I Still Need Your Help Sorting Out My Life


COLUMBIA, SC - Governor Mark Sanford today made another plea to Michael Jackson fans in South Carolina, and the nation at large, not to let their grief over the death of the King of Pop stop them from focusing on his troubled marriage and failing political career. Less than a week after Sanford's cry-for-attention week-long disappearance ended with his reappearance in an Atlanta airport, Sanford was back in front of the press trying to get some of the spotlight back from the deceased Mr. Jackson.

"I just want you to know that I'm hurting too." Sanford said through tears. "I followed up 5 days of crying in Argentina, with 6 days of crying here in the States. When my beautiful mistress and I first made love, "The Way You Make Me Feel" was playing in the background. It's true when they say you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. But dead is dead. I'm still here and my problems are NOT going away anytime soon."
Sanford figured that after his first rambling, poorly-executed press conference on Wednesday, the general public would be on board to "help me sort out all my issues. Lord knows, I can't do iton my own. I'm sinking and I'm reaching out here, people." Unfortunately for Sanford, Thursday saw the death of two American pop-culture icons; Farrah Fawcett in the morning and then most unexpectedly Michael Jackson in the afternoon.

"When I first heard about Farrah, I was sad, of course, but also nervous that maybe people would get caught up in that and forget about me. I mean, these feelings I'm feeling are so new to me. It's almost like I'm not inside my own body. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, later that afternoon I turned on CNN and saw that Jacko had passed, and in that moment, I knew I was quite literally yesterday's news."

In a strategic attempt to reinsert himself into the 24 hour news cycle, Sanford first laid relatively low. He hoped that people would listen to Jackson's four decade's worth of hit songs non-stop over the weekend, and get it out of their systems by the time they headed back to work. As Monday rolled around, and the songs were still playing and the Jacksons were ordering a second autopsy, Sanford knew he'd have to take matters into my own hands.
"This is my LIFE" Sanford explained (through tears), "I can't let it be overshadowed by his death. No offense." Sanford decided that since his first incoherent on-camera speech was such a hit with the public, he would followed it up with another interview that made even less sense and ret-conned some of his previous bizarre statements.

Sanford explained that he was TRYING to fall back in love with his wife, but it wasn't easy since his soul mate is really his Argentinian mistress. He wasn't going to get to the bottom of this on his own and his lack of headlines on Huffington Post and New York Times Online were not helping his self esteem. "I really need you guys to stay focused, okay? I've made mistakes and hurt so many people. You guys gotta keep me honest."

For now,the governor is still the governor and does not plan to step down. He will, however, apologize to anyone who will listen. Sanford promised to continue to talk to the press in order to help him find the answers he seeks, and will apologize to the press when necessary.

"I just want the press of South Carolina to know that, as citizens of South Carolina, you are included on the list of many many groups of people I have let down. As I continue to double talk and come out with details that contradict my earlier statements, I know you'll be there to put my feet to the fire, but also offer a shoulder to cry on. From here on out, no matter who else might die, please don't leave me before we can find a way out of this together."

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