Wednesday, May 27, 2009

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor has a big problem. It's not her voting record, which is within the mainstream of the political spectrum. It's not really from the right-wing political pundits, who have wasted no time erroneously labelling her a racist and an activist judge who legislates from the bench. No, her real problem is her evil twin sister, Maria.

Who is Maria, you ask? She looks really scary, no? Like maybe she'll break into your house in the middle of the night and eat your children? Well, she might! Not much was known about her before Tuesday. The Sotomayor family has done it's best to hide her from the public eye. The Obama adminstration was aware of her during the vetting process, but considered her "contained." Sonia thought Maria might stay hidden in the shadows for good, until that sly private investigator, Mike Huckabee, outed Maria to the country at large. In a public statement, Huckabee revealed to the American people what untoward intentions Maria had for her sister and for the United States of America.

Mike Huckabee: The appointment of Maria Sotomayor for the Supreme Court is the clearest indication yet that President Obama's campaign promises to be a centrist and think in a bipartisan way were mere rhetoric. Sotomayor comes from the far left and will likely leave us with something akin to the "Extreme Court" that could mark a major shift. The notion that appellate court decisions are to be interpreted by the "feelings" of the judge is a direct affront of the basic premise of our judicial system that is supposed to apply the law without personal emotion. If she is confirmed, then we need to take the blindfold off Lady Justice."

You see what's happening here? Huckabee has good reason to believe that Sonia won't make it to the court and MARIA will sneak in there somehow! Maria is filled with rage and jealousy for her sister Sonia's success. While Sonia was attending Princeton, graduating summa cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa, Maria was attending the School of Hard Knocks. While Sonia was spending her graduate years at Yale editing the Yale Law Journal, Maria spent her graduate years in jail, editing the Prison Lunch Menu. When Sonia was spending five years as Assistant District Attorney in Manhattan, trying dozens of criminal cases, Maria was being tried as a defendant in twice as many.

Life has been hard on Maria, and she can't get over her sister's success. She often dreamed of taking revenge on her twin, but could never decide how to do it. Then, while watching her favorite telenovella, "Mi Hermana Peligrosa" in the prison cafeteria, inspiration struck! She would wait as Sonia built her career, establishing trust in the community and respect of her peers. Then, when Sonia was just about to be confirmed to the highest court in the land, Maria would kidnap Sonia and assume her identity! Instead of being a centrist judge, Maria would act as an EXTREMIST! She would make ridiculous decisions and biased judgements destroying Sonia's reputation. Meanwhile poor Sonia would have to watch her evil doppleganger on C-SPAN while locked in the basement of an abandoned apartment building in the South Bronx, or maybe even the closet of her own office! Ay dios mio!

Maria was last seen earlier month when she escaped from jail hidden in a prison laundry truck! Be careful, Sonia! Keep someone with you at all times! You never know when your sister could attack and assume your identity. You can't allow her to face the Senate Judiciary Committee in your place! It would be a CATASTROPHE!

Thank you, Mike Huckabee. Thank you so much for alerting the public to the terror that could be MARIA SOTOMAYOR. People, he didn't get Sonia's name wrong, in a hasty attempt to be the first to discredit Obama's Supreme Court pick! He didn't just pick Maria out of the air because it was Hispanic-sounding and therefore "close enough." He wasn't talking about Sonia at all. He was trying to warn us about Maria, and the evil she has in her heart. Stop attacking him. He's just a concerned citizen. And if you see someone who looks an awful lot like our next Supreme Court Justice, skulking through the shadows on the side streets on NYC, carrying a blade or a spray can, that's MARIA, not SONIA. Don't approach her! She's CRAZY! Alert the authorities. Don't try to be a hero. That's Huckabee's job.

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