While I was stuck on the non-functioning subway this week (simply giddy, of course, at the prospect of paying 23% more come June to sit in a non-functioning train) I took a break from playing Klondike on my ipod, and passed some time trying to think of one show on Lifetime that I ever enjoyed watching. I couldn't think of anything. And then I realized, of course, Lifetime is huge with the Golden Girls reruns, and those are CLASSIC. But those just happen to be ON Lifetime, they are not OF Lifetime. It's all their original programming I hate. So now I'm thinking maybe if Lifetime just lets P.Runway be the show it is, and doesn't try to mess with it, another classic import show will do just fine on that network.
By the time I reach this conclusion, the train has lurched forward, proceeding at reduced speed. I let my mind continue to wander with the jumping point of Golden Girls. Golden Girls... GG... alliteration... GG.... just like Gossip Girl.... Golden Girls... Gossip Girls... Gol- Golden Gossip Girls! Ooh, this is something. I begin to wonder if the Gossip Girls grew up to be old like the Golden Girls, which one would grow up to be which one? These are my conclusions:
BLAIR IS BLANCHE
This is the easiest one to envision. Clearly Blair needs to be the center of attention, values her social status, and fiercely masks her vulnerability just like Blanche did. Chuck would be her George. After his death, she would fill the void in her heart with an endless string of men. Can't you see Old B. moving down south to be closer to the Miami scene, sitting out on the Lanai and picking on the other girls while stuffing her face with cheesecake? I sure can.
SERENA IS ROSE
C'mon. Both are kinda dummies. And blonde! In a search for relevance in Miami, I could see Old Serena dragging the rest of the Girls to benefits and charity events, much like Rose did, in misguided attempts to save the manatees or the coast line. In lieu of St. Olaf stories, Old S. can reflect on crazy experiences in Europe from her "Bad Serena" days, of which there seems to be an endless supply.
VANESSA IS DOROTHY
Hey, they both are from Brooklyn and aren't about to let you forget it! I can see Vanessa's appreciation for bohemian art, film and literature EASILY translating into a profession as a substitute teacher. Dorothy and V. share a superior attitude and inferior social life to the other Girls. I can also see her getting knocked up on Prom Night by a drunk Dan Humphrey (V's own personal Stan!) and then spending a couple of unhappy decades with him before he dumps her Old Vanessa ass.
JENNY IS SOPHIA
This one is a stretch but i can make it work. Who doesn't like a good brain injury story line that could render Little J into a cantankerous old lady who has no internal filter, and says everything that comes into her mind? Following the deaths of Rufus and Lily, Old. S would feel responsible for the girl she shares a half-sibling with and would put her in a nursing home - that would of course then burn to the ground under mysterious circumstances.
So there you have it, Lifetime Television! This is an original program based on existing properties that I would watch on your network. A Next Generation combo of Golden Girls and Gossip Girl to please the masses. This will put you on the map of entertainment relevance. I'd just like a "conceived by" credit in the opening credits, which would of course feature some Dance Mix cover of "TY 4 B'ng a Frnd" You know you owe me. XOXO