Wednesday, April 15, 2009

False Idols: Tell Me Have You Ever Really, Really Really Ever Loved Matt Giraud?

Aka Simon Saved My Life Tonight

Matt. Look at you! Even with that insanely stupid Bryan Adams song, the judges kept you alive. I think you are the best of the Contestants in Constant Danger, so it's nice enough that they used the save on you. I don't know why you are not more popular with the voting public, but I also don't understand people who are having those effing "tea parties" as if most people in the country didn't just receive a tax cut - including me! So go figure what goes into people's thought process on these important issues.

Anyway, you are safe. Two Idols are screwed next week. In my perfect world it would be Lil and Gokey, but it will probably be you and Anoop. The judges are your saviors this week, but there's a limit to the miracles they can perform.

Contestant on The Edge

Lil. This week was better than last week. I'm glad you finally flipped out a bit at the flip-flop advice of the judges. I'm hoping it annoys you enough to say "Eff Them!" and you just sing whatever the hell you want, whatever way you want and stop the impersonations. You can bring it! I believe you can. But if all Disco Week brings is you doing a watered-down Donna Summer, well, I'll be disappointed, but not totally surprised.

Rant of The Week:

Gokey. I can't think of anything new to say about how you and I are not connecting. I am super-pleased that the judges CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW, so I'm hoping you slip up sometime next week or the week after and then you are GONE. BWAHAHAHAHA!

Miley Cyrus. My little nieces like you, but it was not until i accidentally stumbled upon the ACM awards a couple weeks ago that I actually heard you sing. Oh wait, I think I saw you on the Grammys as well. But you started spazzing out while sitting with Taylor Swift and I changed the channel. When you started singing, I was surprised! You don't sing well. Who knew? Now, you seem to have a lot of pluck and a couple billion dollars in cash, so by all means, you keep doin' what you're doin'. But I don't think you sing well - especially LIVE, which you demonstrated again on Idol tonight. I can't tell if any of the performances are live anymore (J.Hud was taped.) but yours was just bad as the ACM's. So you've earned a rant from me. Now you're free to go off and do some other crazy thing that can put you on the cover of People magazine. I will say that I appreciate that you take your own path when it comes to pop-scandal. You don't starve yourself or crash cars or forget to wear underwear. You exhibit craziness in a random non-self-destructive ways. So that's nice for my nieces. But please, don't show up this summer on So You Think You Can Dance. No more reality TV. Ok? Thanks!

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