Saturday, February 14, 2009

In Dreams: Part I

Friday marked the 11th anniversary of when my Mom passed away. Yup, back then it was also a Friday the 13th. Over the past eleven years, I have traditionally not slept well in the first weeks of February as if my mind and body know the anniversary is coming and decide to revisit the psychological weight of the trauma. . For the first few years after her passing, my mom always showed up in my dreams at her sickest state. Obviously, this was very upsetting as it's not how I wish to remember her. Then after a few years, the action in the dreams changed so that my mom would be dead, come back to life, and then die again, which became very confusing when I would wake up. I've dreamt that scenario so often it's hard to believe that didn't actually happen at some indefinable time in my past. Only in the last few years has it been that my mom can show up in my dreams and it doesn't have to be something majorly emotional.

This year I didn't have bad dreams in February. This year they all came in January! I don't know what that was about. It had a lot more to do with me, and not so much about mom. Luckily, by the time February rolled around it seemed my subconscious was all nightmared out. Thursday night, on the eve of the anniversary, i actually had a bunch of really fun dreams, one of which featured my mom. I was a much younger version of myself and she was sitting in an arm chair, my head was in her lap and she was reading me bedtime stories. I half-woke up in the middle of the night and I remember saying out-loud, "no, more stories... i want more stories" and i tried to go back to the dream. I can't recall if I got back to it though.

When I woke up later that morning, I remembered the dream. And then I remembered the date. And I was very thankful to have had a such a tender dream moment with my mother. I hope I get more of those in the coming years. She is never far from my thoughts. I miss her. We deserve to have lots good times together in Dreamland.

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