Thursday, May 8, 2008

You've no other option, but to Shut Your Face and Dance!

Previously: The dancers all went crazy, Broadway-style. All the other dancers hate Michael, none more so than Miguel. The judges think Captain Vanilla is the second coming of Jesus. And Oscar could neither shut his face, nor dance, so he was sent home.

Step it up, Gay Credits. Step it up! And... were some of these people ever on the show? Really?

Pegasus apartments. Miguel thinks it’s a joke that Michael is still there. There are just two people left in the upstairs apartment. Cody and Nick, who have begun wearing matching outfits. Yeesh. Get some new work out clothes, kids. They get a message that they need to leave the apts to go shopping…

At a mattress store? They’re at a big mattress store. Janelle is all… “the fuck?” And then EB and Jerry materialize and introduce Jaques Heinz creator of Diavolo Dance Company – it’s very cirque de soliel. So basically they are gonna be jumping on mattresses? I don’t understand the Audition challenge. Jerry could explain it to me 15 times, I have no idea what he’s talking about. They’re split into teams of two. Mochelle and Homeless Prince are first. They are improving like they’re a couple shopping for their first bed. It’s so effing stupid. I can’t even tell you. They look like damn fools. They have no chemistry because Miguel is super gay. They jump around and take their clothes off. EB remains a professional dignity throughout this buffoonery. Why can’t they just actually have them DANCE on this show?

Janelle and Michael are up second They are better than the first two, they are a bit dancier and not sucky. Michael’s really kinda useless though. Sorry, Michael.None of it particularly memorable.

Then it’s Nick and Captain Vanilla. OH! Now we get to the point of this charade. A funny gay couple. Because I guess they are straight dancers and they are in a gay dance and that’s so awkwardly hilarious? Oh, blow me. If they get an attitude about pretending to be gay, I’m so done with them. They are DANCERS. They have to be in touch with their bodies and not caught up in homophobic bullshit. But Captain Vanilla insists that he is straight and this is uncomfortable. Loser. I must admit though, I actually like their transitions the best. They seem to go through all sorts of scenarios they’d find themselves in bed emotionally. It kinda works. And they decide to 69 as well even though they make sure we know that wasn’t very comfortable for them. We get it. You’re totally on the hetero end of the Kinsey scale. I’m not doubting you!

They get split into two groups but don’t get to know who is a spazz and who is a cool kid. C’mon they were all spazzes this week. One group is Mochi, Cap and Nick and the other is Homeless Prince, Janelle and Michael. Drama’s a’comin’.

Commercials: Top Chefs are cooking for cops after cooking for a wedding? Why do the hate the cheftestants this season??

So they don’t know which group is spazzes and cool kids, and for the Callback each group has to choreograph a dance with strange bleachers and a big swinging atlasphere, like they had on the original American Gladiators show. They call it an atom, but I won’t be calling that. They do okay, but Mochelle can’t really get up to the atom because she is so small. I think she hurts her leg on it later. That’s what the commercial showed me. Spoiler alert!

Janelle, Miguel, and Michael are in the second group. They are doing a hide and seek theme for their dance. It’s crazy bad. Miguel and Michael just hate each other. But Janelle isn’t looking that good either. Jaques hates their group so much. They don’t have anywhere close to two minutes of dance that the Callback requires.

Back at the apartments. Miguel totally flips out on Miguel for his suckitude. It’s an amazing display of loathing. Everyone (including Michael) is sitting around watching the Homeless Prince diva travel around the apartment berating Michael. Michael makes the claim that he’s still there. Miguel thinks it’s the question of the century. That’s hyperbole. But it’s still a good question.

So they meet Jerry back at the theater and he tells them there are actually no spazzes and cool kids this week. Que QUE?? Captain Vanilla is the only one safe. The other 5 can win or lose the challenge. And wait! Jerry has an extra surprise. Jeffrey Sabella, winner of Project Runway has come to costume them. This is the best Bravo could do for him in terms of employment? Sabella, you are very talented. I hope your opportunities in the real world continue to grow past this kind of stuff.

So they get into their futuristic rock star outfits (what else would Jeffrey create?) and practice again. This time, things have turned around. Off-camera, Miguel, Michael and Janelle have gotten their act together. They now have a plan, they are working together and Jaques LOVES their new routine. Miguel thinks he deserves the win. Naturally.

The other team starts to rehearse when Mochelle suddenly bangs her knee on the atlasphere. It apparently hurts like hell. They have to take her for x-rays. What will happen???

Commercials. I can't believe I'm running a race in three days. So weird.

The dancers await Mochelle’s return. She just has a mild contusion and she will be able to dance. Captain Vanilla insists they redo some of Mochelle’s harder choreography so that he stands out more… er, so that she doesn’t risk injury. I think she’ll live if she doesthe original stuff, but I was not consulted at the time this episode was taped.

The Call Back. EB rules over the judge’s table wearing a black sparkling outfit like she’s Donna Troy. It suits her. She explains the rules and introduces the judges for the umpteenth time. Mochelle, Captain Vanilla, and Nick are first. They are dancing to Gwen Stefani?? Really? Alright. The dance is cute. They are a good group. Nick and Cap’ look gayer than they did as a couple in the mattress store. But it looks good.

Next up: Team Numbah Two!

Commercials. Wendy’s chicken wraps look… weird. It’s a perfect example of fake food being used in a commercial, because there’s no way real life food could be held like a football and not loose some of it’s shape. Sorry, Wendy’s. That’s some bogus advertising.

Janelle, Miguel and Michael start. They are good too. The two dances looked very much the same. I mean you’ve got giant stairs and an atlasphere, what are your options? Go up and down the stairs and climb inside the atlasphere. Who knows who the judges will like more? Probably Captain Vanilla.

I can barely get over EB’s sparkliness, but I must try to focus. Here is what they say: They think Miguel’s choreography was great, that Michael didn’t have great solos and that Janelle lacks focus and technique. They think Cap Vanilla is God, that Mochelle is a crybaby for changing her choreography over a bruised knee, and that Nick needs to let his body scream. The judges deliberate while the dancers stand there, and it’s clear that Cap will win the challenge and that Janelle and Michael are in the bottom two. Are they really gonna get rid of one of the only 2 girls left in the competition? Maybe! We’ll see after the break.

Commercials. Lost our time has almost come once again.

We come back. The judges hate both of them equally but one has to stay. Janelle is the one to stay. Thank goodness. But she’ll probably go next week. While he does his last dance, Michael lets us know he has no regrets. Good on him. He didn’t seem as bad a person as the others made him out to be. But he was never gonna win this thing, so bye bye!

Next week: The dancers are excited to see… new dancers? Miguel fights with Mochelle and then cries on the phone. Oh, lordy. Dance, people. Just dance!

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