Friday, May 16, 2008

Your Mother Always Told You To Shut Your Face and Dance

This was written last night during the show as it always is, but due to a spotty wireless connection, it's being posted almost 24 hours later. Enjoy!

Welcome, everyone! Grab a seat and we'll begin. There are now five dancers left. EB is going through a whole big VO about what’s been going on. Can’t we just get a previouslys? What's the big deal? I want her to hurry, but EB will not be rushed! Alright, it's finally done.

If these credits were gay, that would be okay. I mean cause, hey! I’d like them anyway.

Challenge #7!! Mochelle is thrilled to still be in it. Homeless Prince tells us Mexican men don’t dance. But he does! Nearly Passionless Nick is ready to reconnect with his passion for dance instead of it just being about a paycheck. Captain Vanilla knows he’s the best because he won two challenges in a row. All the dancers go to learn what their next challenge is. EB introduces them to Jordi Caballero, the guest judge/choreographer. The challenge this week is latin dance. Homeless Prince knows this could work for him. Mochelle is confident in this style of dancing and in her partnering skills. Janelle has no confidence about either of those things. She thinks she is going home. I agree. I love her, but I agree.

They train for an hour and fifteen minutes. Yada, Yada, Yada. They do the Audition. First up: Mochelle and Captain Vanilla. As they go to start, Mochelle can’t remember ANYTHING about the dance. They start, and it’s horrible. It’s like Mochelle learned nothing. They stop. Twice. You cannot stop at an audition! Make some shit up! Jerry and Jordi are like “the hell?” Finally Cap and Mochelle do SOMEthing. It stinks. Janelle and Homeless Prince are next. It’s not very elegant, Janelle is just all over the place, but it’s better than the first dance. Lastly Mochelle dances again with NPN. NPN VO’s that the judges don’t think he has passion in his face, but he was taught to dance like a man. I never knew until now that dancing like a man involved dancing with a fixed doofy grin.

So they are all done, and Jordi ranks them worst to best. 5. Mochelle 4.NPN 3. Janelle
2. Homeless Prince and 1. Captain Vanilla. They will get to pick partners from best to worst. We’ll find out who the partners are… after the break! PLEASE LET IT BE THE CAST OF SAVED BY THE BELL! THERE'S THE RIGHT NUMBER AND EVERYTHING! PLEASE!!!!

Commercials. I have know idea why Cry-Baby chose “watch your ass” for the song to run under their commercial. They can’t say “ass” and it’s one of the shows WORST songs in my opinion. Weird.

We're back! The partners are… the sucky eliminated contestants? O…K… Well, THAT'S why we had to sit through that long intro. So who will each of the Top 5 pick? Captain Vanilla tells HP that he will leave him Tovah and pick Jessica, but then he picks Tovah anyway, because The Captain is an ass. HP picks Jessica even though she ran off stage in fear back when she was in the competition. Janelle takes Stephen, the black gay guy. NPN has to take that girl that got eliminated first. I can’t remember her name. And faced with choice of Oscar and Michael, Mochelle takes Oscar. Michael is sent packing again feeling no love. EB lets us know that in a twist, the best of the eliminated dancers will be back in the competition and the worst of the current 5 will be cut. So we’ll still be at 5 until next week. SIGH…

So they all practice. Everyone is nervous and everyone wants to still be in the competition. I just summed up about 5 minutes of show in that one sentence.

Commercials. I have to go to the store and get milk… The only place now open is Rite-Aid. Boo-urns. It's so expensive there! it's like a $1.50 more for a half gallon than at other places.

Upon returning, we learn NPN thinks he’s going home. Cap tells him to just go over the top! Then they can’t fault him for being passionless. HP is crying on the phone to his mom because he’s afraid. He wants to win so much. Mom tells him to go for it, and he feels better. Moms are good for those moments. The eliminated contestants are excited to have a chance to get back in the competish. Jessica is having dizzy spells though. Jesus Christ. She thinks she should go to the hospital. HP is like “go! Don’t dance with me, crazy!” She is basically running away again. The irony of this is actually not lost on the dancers. They try to rehearse Mochelle with HP, but he really doesn’t want a partner and after some testiness between them, Miguel decides to go it alone.

The Call Back. EB welcomes all the people she and the other judges kicked off the show back to the stage. She says that Jessica has an inner ear inflammation which DOES explain the dizzy spells, but not the crazy. HP wants to beat Captain Vanilla all on his own.

Commercials. Wait for me, Lost. I’m on my way!

When we return, Janelle doesn’t want to go home and have one of these kicked off bitches replace her. Mochelle feels similarly. Everybody dances! It’s pretty good. I think in the group thing, Tovah and HP are actually the best. In the individuals… again all pretty good. No one really stood out for me in the individual freestyles. It will be interesting to see what the judges say. EB calls it caliente! And then seeing the dancers confused faces, she explains it was hot. They go through the people they already had cut first. They liked them all, and I DO feel their performances showed that all of them really wanted to come back to the competish. So who will it be? Not James and not Adriana, though I do think they redeemed their early exits. It’s between Tovah and Oscar. Jordi says they are both winners. But they are not. Because only Oscar is returning. So he’s really the winner right now.

Now it’s for the dancers still in the competish. They loved Miguel. So manly! They loved Mochelle! So sexy! Janelle did fine. So going home! It really doesn’t look good for her. Captain Vanilla was cold for the judges. So Shocking! Nearly Passionless Nick finally found some passion! So surprising! The judges deliberate and Janelle and Cap are deemed the weakest. I wonder what will happen after the break?

Commercials. I keep hearing commercials for the next season of Project Runway, but I have yet to see a firm premiere date. Is it really close, or are they just teasing me? Don’t wave that carrot in front of my face unnecessarily, Bravo!

We return to learn that Mochelle is the winner. She had quite a see saw week, Cody and Janelle are in the bottom two. BUT!! EB explains to us that while she said earlier that one dancer would be returning, she did NOT actually say that they would replace a current contestant. Look at me, jumping to conclusions! EB rightly says it would be sorta bullshit to replace someone who made it to this point in the competition with someone they already kicked to the curb. So Oscar returns and no one leaves, which means this show is not getting any closer to a conclusion! ARGH! We're going backwards! There is no Last Dace this week. EB smiles, knowing she successfully manipulated and psychologically tortured the dancers. Good job, EB. I approve.

Next Week: Everyone wears black. That’s all I got from the preview. Please send two people home and keep this ball rolling!

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