Thursday, May 1, 2008

You know that it's time for you to Shut Your Face And Dance!!

And here I go again on my own. Goin down the only road I've ever known, Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. And I've made up my mind, to Shut My Face and Dance. Greetings, all. Welcome back. This is usually the week in a reality show season, when one of the contestants realizes that they totally hate the fucking competition and reality tv in general and just want to punch their own ticket home and leave the show. I don't know if that happened early on this show with Jessica, but i think it may happen again. Fingers crossed!

Here come the Gay Credits! Put a couple glasses of wine in me, Gay Credits and you might start looking sort of attractive. Unfortunately, i recap this show stone cold sober.

Nick tells us he doesn't like that Tovah is gone. Now the apt. reminds him of his old frat house and we are subjected to pictures of that scary time. Miguel is happy he has immunity. who wouldn't be? It's a week to coast and rest up with no penality.

Jerry greets the 7 remaining contestants and congrulates them on their success up to this point. Their new challenge is waiting behind a door. He opens it. Everyone makes strange faces, and then we see why: George Costanza?? Janelle thinks that their reward might be being on Seinfeld. A PA hilariously informs her that the show is off the air. Janelle is so shocked. Yeah, babe, the episodes that play at 7:30 and 11pm are called reruns. Who knew?

So George is a tony winner and this week's challenge is Broadway, er, musical theater. Everyone is thrilled since this might actually coincide with their training and professional experience. They are working with the choroegrapher of Damn Yankees, Lee Martino. They all learn the routine from "shoeless joe" from Damn Yankees. Hooray for a butch baseball theme! Captain Vanilla is especially happy since he's already BEEN on Broadway. It looks like a very long routine actually. They are doing 25 8-counts of music. That is kind of a lot to learn in an hour. They are all tired. Oscar thinks musical theater is where he should excel. He was once Mr. Mestopholes in Cats! There is dancing that involves bat swinging and it looks like Mochi is going to die from the effort. They all look like they are gonna die actually. Jerry gives a motivational speech which i think is total bullshit. I don't think HE is bullshit, but he's saying it for the audience more than the dancers. They are professionals. They don't need to hear that what they give when they have nothing less is what sets them apart. They know that already. For serious.

So they do The Audition to be separated into Cool Kids and Spazzes. Michael, Oscar and Miguel are the Spazzes. Janelle, Mochi, Nick and Captain Vanilla are in the winning group. Since Miguel has immunity, that means it's between Oscar and Michael to go home. Oscar says that being in the bottom makes him want to not be there at all! I totally called it!

Commercials. Dream Dental Spa is the new most awesome awful commercial of the year! Low budget, bad acting, and copy dealing with horrible teeth. It's the best.

We're back. Oscar is pissed. Jerry is trying to calm him down, telling him it's Lee's decision based on what she saw in the one dance. Oscar feels (rightly) that he's been in the bottom a lot and that being in the bottom again will make him a target. Jerry (lies and) says that's crazy talk! Oscar's a survivor! He's gonna make it!

So the Cool Kids learn a dance to "whatever lola wants" the two broadway dancers, Mochelle (as i now call her) and Captain Vanilla are paired together. Janelle and Nick are all "whatevs. just give your favorites the immunity."

Oscar's mom has cancer and he misses her. Sad. Miguel and Oscar talk about who will get immunity this round and they are sure it's Captain Vanilla. Miguel says Captain could pick his nose on stage and the judges would love it. He's right, and I'm glad the show is letting you see that the other contestants are aware of it. Because it is obvious.

Janelle has no experience with lifts. Nick lets us know that he thinks it's ridiculous that girls like Janelle do the whole "i'm sorry you have to lift me!" thing as if they're heavy when what they really are is insecure about being in the air. YES!! THANK YOU NICK FOR SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH!

Now the Spazzes rehearse. Oscar and Michael are polar opposites in their problems. Oscar is very technical but a little fem, and Michael has great musicality and manliness but not so much training skills. So who goes home? Oh, wait. there are 35 minutes left of this show... ugh. The Spazzes end early because Michael claims he's not feeling well. Later Michael is all questioning whether his health is worth the show. Janelle and Miguel basically tell him to quit if he's in so much pain, or otherwise just Shut His Face and Dance. Michael continues to shout about low blood pressure. Janelle suggests maybe he should calm himself down. Surprisingly sound advice from a girl who thinks Seinfeld is currently filming it's 18th season.

Commercials. If i didn't mention it before, I will now call Mochi "Mochelle" because it annoys me how inconsistent they are with what she is known as between the judges and the other contestants. I'm hungry... i don't have to go to the fridge!

We're back. It's a new day and people seem to have simmered down now. The people who were freaking out hard last night are now all spouting inspirational passages from The Secret in the morning. Then Oscar reverts back to hating, and correctly states that Miguel and Oscar are gonna be working together to get him eliminated. Oscar then calls Mike a she-bitch. Meow, Oscar!

The Call Back. EB is in the hooouuuuse! Holding court, she reminds us the permanent judges are named Vincent and Nancy (indeed i had forgotten). Lee Martino is the guest judge. George Costanza is not a judge but hanging around for some more FACETIME!! Janelle wants to show the judges her pretty elegant side. Her dance with Nick is... not bad. It's not great. Next it's Captain and Mochelle. I don't like the Captain. He's a very good dancer. Don't get me wrong. He just continues to annoy me week after week. I can understand why the others dislike him. It's part jealousy but it's also part-annoyance at the judges treating him like the second coming. So the judges love Mochelle and i do think she was the best. They appreciated Janelle but she needs more practice partnering. They all want to have sex with Cody. And they called Nick, "Vanilla"! Dude, that's harsh. That's Cody's name.

The judges deliberate for like half a second. You can tell EB favors Mochelle because it looks like she wants to chop Nancy's head off when Nancy goes on and on about Cody. Ultimately EB is outvoted and Captain Vanilla takes immunity. When it's announced, he makes this face like "what? i do not understand the language you are speaking because 'cody wins' is not an expression i am aware of." it's a totally ingenuine moment. I'm done with you, Captain. Mochelle is kinda pissed that she didn't win. So she's not gonna be president of the Cody Fan Club next week either. When we return from the break, the Spazzes will fight it out.

Commercials. Why do we need another season of that haircutting show? C'mon Bravo. Is this what we'll be left with when Project Runway moves to Lifetime (a move which i think is TERRIBLE)?

After the break, EB threatens the Spazzes to step it up, or she will literally cut them in more ways than one. They start dancing. It stinks. It's truly bad by even high school musical standards. It's sloppy and they are off the beat. It ends and the judges forget to clap until Constanza starts them off. They all hated it, and the judges want them to do it again. Oscar thinks it's the best he could do. Vincent's all "fine, we'll judge you on this then." Michael wants to do it again, but he calls out Oscar and Miguel for hating on him. Miguel can't believe Michael said that in front of the judges, and hates him even more than before, if that were possible. Miguel starts shouting at Michael and EB shuts them all down and tells them the judges are gonna take 5 and the spazzes can use that time to figure it out and let them know if they're gonna do the dance again. Backstage the spazzes all point fingers at each other. Jerry tells them if they were in his broadway show right now, they would all be fired. Actually he says he would tell them to get beyond their differences, but really? 3 mediocre dancers fighting like primadonnas? They would be let go. Keep it real, Jerry. George Costanza goes back to inspire the spazzes to suck it up and enjoy the dance. When the judges are back and the spazzes decide to try again. It sucks a little less this time, but the judges are still not really impressed. Miguel has immunity and is dismissed from the stage. It's down to two unimpressive dancers. Who will survive?

Commercials. Lost, i will watch you in just under 5 minutes.

We're back. Who's going home? Crappy Michael, or So-Over-It Oscar? It's Oscar. Weird. Michael was kept to keep Miguel angry and bitchy, is the only logical reason for that. The show is over for Oscar though. Time for his last dance. He claims he did his best but the judges just didn't like it. He spins and points his toes and stuff. He's a winner in his Mother's eyes. As he should be! Peace out, Oscar!

Next week: This week is different because they use a torture chamber? I don't understand. Miguel and Michael continue to fight with each other. That i do understand. Nick lets out a primal scream on stage. Okay, then. See you there!

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